WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CIV, Issue 15979, 3 June 1916, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

UXCERTALN. Mary had a little waist. Wiiero, Nature made, it grow, And everywhere the fa.3liJ.ou went 'Jho wanit wuo sure to go. We Often Feel That Way.--''l Live you any dairies loj- 191 .7 ?"—"Not, yet. Why?"—".So much happened since January J that I've used 11 n. all th:» year's calendar.'' A Chertsey pig-breeder lias been granted total, exemption. The pen, it seems, is still mightier than the sword. Ho—"You used to say there was something about me you liked."—.She —"Yes; but you' ve rpent it all now." Ncwiwed —"It is hard to for bioad and get a stone."—Mrs Newwerl —"It is worse to ask for a stone and ge.t, paste." Waiter—"Yes, sir, omelets hn« gone up on .account of the war." — Diner—"Great Scott 1 Are. they throwing eggs at each other now?" Mr N. QuLsitive, Jr.—"Why, wheic-'s .your Pomeranian?" Mis FitzanS tarts—"Oh, haven't you heard? Dogs are quite outre now. We're on our way to the asylum to get us an orohan."

Explicit.—"When I don't want a man's attentions and he asks me where l live, 1 say in the suburbs.''—"Ha, ha! Excellent; but where dn you really live. M : ss Brown?" —in the suburbs. Mr Short."

Dillydally (a chronic procastinator)— "I dreamed last night that I —er —ah— proposed to you. I wonder What that is a sign of " —Miss Lingerlong (desperately)—"lt is a sign that you have, got more sense when you are asleep than when you are awake."

"Asphodel : a. Twohblo went down into the tenement district yesterday to brighten the lives of poor slum-dwell-ers."—"Highly commendable. What did she do for them?"—"Shr> told them about the good times, she's been having a 4) Palm Beach.."

Doctor —"You will have 1o give up all mental work for a few weeks." — Patient —"But. doctor, in thait event my income would cease. I earn my living by writing poems for the magazines.''—Doctor—"Oh, you can keep right on at that."

"'I suppose," ventured the, interested friend of the family, "that John is still burning the midnight oil at Colleger'"—"Yes, indeed," responded the puzzled mother, "but the "college must furnish a very inferior oil. John writes me that some- midnights the light k so p C or ], O can hardly read his hand."

"That man irritates me!" "Why?'" "He knows r.o much isn't sn—and he can prove all Ji's statements."

".Are the fish thick hero?" "Well, not too thick, sir," answered the native. "Wo have to use this lake partly for navigation."

Nipp—"The vermiform appendix seems to be one thing in the world that, is absolutely useless. - ' Tuck—"Useless? Why. it has kept thousands of doctors from starving to death." Mrs Hiram Offen—"Supposing, Bridgo 1 ;. I should deduct from your wages the cost of all the dishes "von broke?" Bridget,—"Shure. mum, ' in [ that case, it's meseli'd he like the •dishes." "And you have had the same servant, for two years?" "Yes," replied Mr Crosslots. "She says she dosen't believe in changing after she lias gone to the •'rouble of teaching the familv her ways." "When you bought your motor ear' I dare say you thought it would give you a great deal of pleasure?" "Oh, yes," replied the unhappy motorist. "(' was deceived by a smooth tongued salesman. I have since discovered that it forces me to contribute generously to the incomes of a largo number of people for whom I have no affection whatever." Poet—"l seek a. phrase that shall express the joy of life in two words. Can you suggest anything?" T'nlcoling Friend —"Received payment!" She- —"So you are engaged to Mi.-s Baggs. I'm sure I can't soo anything attractive about that woman." He—"Neither can I vce it; but it's in the bank, all right." "I haven't any particular cirl that I call on regularly." l-emarkcd the highbrow. "I didn't think you had ; no particular girl would let you en'l regularly or otherwise," retorted lowbrow. 'She says her husband can't even keep her in pin money!" "I know, Inn she buys diamond pins!"

Parson —"Do you, Liza, take Rnstus for bettah or for wnss?" Bride—'Well, if Ah got to tell the truth., pahson, Ah'm in kin' him 'cause he's de fust man what eveh axed :ne.'' "You seem to be rather husy.'' "Ye*. I'm writing a love letter, I've been working on it for more than an hour." "Why take such pains?" "f want to feel sure that if this letter is ever mid in court it won't make me look like a fool." "Where have you been until this hour?'' said Mrs Lawyer To-wit to her ja'.e returning hubby.''l've lwcn looking after some ",uits," alibied To-wit. "Yes. I know those suits: the old diamonds, hearts, spades, and clubs. Well, this is tho last night I'll let you out." llokus—"So you believe in signs, eh? Wcl!. when a. man is always making new friends, what, is that a'sign of?" Pokus—"lt's likely to be a sign tint ln's old friends have found him out.'' "Jibua.y creates the impression that lie niijiht acemrmlish something if be would try." "That's true. And he ab»> creates +ho impression that he will never try.'' —"Are you fond of (lie ocean '-"' lie—"J always share inv meals with it. - ' "Is your k<iii piir.Miing his studies at, college?" "Yes: bin. lie hasn't cauelitup with any of them yet." "Dad.'' s-iid (ho young medical graduate, "in your two week*' r.hsence T manno-ed to cure Mrs Golden bv (,1" hoi- Mulirrestiori." "Mv hoy." mid t-!i" old doctor. "I'm itoihl of vnii 0 f course; h„tMrs GnMonhny's t ■mi w<, s what \v,\\ you tliromdi