WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume C, Issue 15301, 21 March 1914, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

THE* HIRED GIRL. l< \ She sallies forth on Sunday fins;, : And tells us she'll be in a± The hired girl. ' "*>' When she returns it's past eleven J SNext morn she sleeps till half-past. seven— The tired girl. •'■ |S -^ In fiery tones on washing day * , She strikes us for a rise in pay— : ' The ired girl. ". And knowing well the tshe 1 * - shirked. "-.,,. She looks back sadly where sluh . worked— =; The fired girl. <**. i HE KNEW THE ANSWER. j The suffragette stood grim and firm. The crowd around -haranguing; And masculinity came in -■> For nothing but a whanging. '"I want," she cried, "the wages of A man. That's all I'm asking." As out the door a heartless wretch. Who'd in her light been basking, - Went forth, he socd this Parthian ,; shaft: " 'Tis well with us you've tarried, lour wish I have the answer for— Dear lady, just get married." Paw, whv was Adam "" created first?" Paw—-'To give him • chance to say something, my son." 3 , Collector—" Whv haven't* you paid your gas bill?" Consumer—"The " light was so poor I could not read the • bill. v . S ? aro ,ny blu shes," she pleaded. 'Good gracious!" he reulied. "Can you still blush? Where Lave vou been living- these past few years?','* Miss Goodrich—" I hear * vour insband is a great lover of the aesthetic" Mrs Nurich—"Oh., yes! He takes one' every time he gets/a tooth nulled." Mrs Goodsole—'"Didn't yon learn to be a good citizen in the reform school?"* Everett Wrest—"Yes'm, I learnt it theoretically, but I aint had no practice. " " You wring my heart." wailed the youth whom the Yassar girl had just. refused." "I'd rather wring your heart than wring your * clothes," she r . said. Innocent Old Lady (to grocer)—"l ' hear a. great deal about this tango tea nowadays. How much is it a pound?" •* What's most liable to get broke . about your automobile?" 'The owner,"' replied Mr Chuggins. , " Come. Ikey. let's go to valfc in" Central Park."—"No, Rachel, don't' ask me. It makes me so angrv ■ venever I dink of all dot real estate going to vaste." " Why did the great pianist refuse • to play?"— " Temperament. He got L mad because his name • was printed ia , * smaller type on the programme than - the name of the piano on which he was to perform." "My son, it is a great deal harder- '- to spend money with good judgment ■? than it is to make it."—" Well, father, let me take half the burden off your • hands. You make it and I'll spend , it." ": Father—"Jane, are that young ' man's intentions serious?" Daughter—"l"think so, pa he says onr carriage shed, could be easily transformed into a. garage and the attic would make a. -: dandy billiard-room and bowling alley. 9 * ~ " Well, well," said Dr. Bigbul. as he met a former patient on tho street, "I'm glad to see you again, Mr' Brown. How are you this morning?" • —"First, doctor," Mr Brown cautiously, "does it cost anything to tell you?" "But you don't speak the language of the country in which you desire a ' diplomatic position."—""Wei","' replied the determined applicant, "a. man f isn't nearly so liable to make indiscreet' - remarks if be has to get a lexicon and look up the meaning of every word lie - : utters." Mr Steinbach—" Yas you to *der synagogue yesterday, Moses?" 'Mr.-* - Rosenbaum —"No." Mr Steinbach— - " Yell, der rabbi says if ye want to pe goot we haf to make some sagrinces." ~ Mr Rosenbaum—"Oh; I don't go to no , : synagogue vere a rabbi dalks shop in ,"' der pulpit!" Agent (for gas company)— "Fm. sorry you think this bill is too large,, wr." Would it not be a good idea' if you v learned how to read your own meter*" ; Whittler—"lt might be if my doctor - hadn't told me that I had someihingJ; the matter with my heart and I must * avoid all excitement." < He was straight from the countrv, "'. and ho stood, his feet wide anart, his -J hands in his pockets, in the middle of- > the asphalt. "Hi !" called a newsbov "* if you don't moxe,. the first thing i you know you'll have your hip pocket I full of street-cars." Invited out to dinner, mother stood before the mirror, and. having made " her yellow locks a Trifle yellower, she " proceeded to apply the pencil to heaT ; eyebrows. The little daughter stood' * ir a i wondered. Finally she asked- "j "Mother, what are you writing oh your face for?" * - - A musician once wrote' fiat to hears* Strang's "Elektra" or his "Domestic ,i Symphony" always made him think of - the old Scotch piner who said: "Ah "' there's ane. nicht I sail' ne'er forget!' ti There were nineteen Diners beside C" rnvsel' a' in a wee bit parlor, a' plavia'-j different tunes. I just thocht I VW' 3n heaven ! ; ' . • ."* A drill sergeant was drilling therecruit squad in the use of the rifle i- J Everything went smoothly until blanks cartridges were distributed. The re-". cruits were instructed to-load i£euv|? pieces and stand'at the "ready," and i then the sergeant gave the "Fire at will 1" Private Lunn xeas'% puzzled. He lowered his gun. one is Will?" he asked. - --,?£ A retired army officer was in his"! back garden one day when a tranrplj came round the end of the housed •' I've been at the front." he begjanv^ "and '' The old officer beamed j on him as he interrupted to "Have you, indeed, mv man? Andy were you wounded?" "N&" said the-1 man. "no, sir. not ButiJ couldn't make no one 'ear." so I cornel round to the back!" " .- s *J|j In one of' Brooklyn courts a zeeeaVn case required the testimony of a German immigrant. "Now. Blatfei mann," said the lawyer lor '''4hcp plaintiff, " what do you do ?" '"Oh-'K'S vos pooty veil," replied the wlfcetßll "I am not inquiring as to your I want to know what you do." "Where do you work?" continued counsel. "In a fecktorv." . "Tjj!E|l| I kind of a factory?" "It Vos a. ;poolpl I big feektory." '"Your honour," isaidl the lawyer, turning to the" this goes on we'll need an iuterpreiraiiifl Then he turned to the witness "Now, Britzmann. what do you. jtnfinill in the factory?" hhe asked. " i ,'Eig^S| A minister was invited out' onelaS^^CT 'noon for a motor-car ride with--ontfli§iß his friends. The minister,,' whdpliraß joyed all outdoor sports, -Bias "verytitgiSpjj thusiastic over motoring, so he*" /mural allowed to drive the car.' While spei|jl|M I ing along, he was stop>ped. stable and ordered "to ft» ;^«iKmiM| i house. "Well." said the caroEßwH after listening to their story,you were going at only fiffAPi£'arafliSKM an hour, but the constable were travelling at" foftV-" PJfiSmiaSim I don't, like to donW'-tii'ei^^j^^MßM you' Vere "traveTlin^i^^^SMß^^^^w^l