Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIIC, Issue 14153, 12 March 1910, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

. J s£>— She cud she'd sing some songs foff - j him, . ! And lie was sore beset; ( She meant it as a promise, but He took it as a threat. ; ' "TV-ir about Perkins? Prettr t«,; S h. M —"Xo. "What?"—« The poor itllow orrpv-pcl into the vernacular, bumpe*! a bard word and st>lit his infinitive." Office Clerk: 'You're put two i penny stairips on vour letter. Th© ; pcstrsßpJs or.lr ona'ponny/ Old Ir:si> , nai'i: "Snrr-. n;vir mmd. 3lv son's in i tiTo Post Office, so it'll all liilp towards \ ins wages.'' - Girl i "\on American girls ' ; ' ! " 1 uoij such healthy complexions as . ,X 9 unve. I car. not understand whv 1 our _ noblemen take a. fancy to vour , v.iito t.-v-es. ' American Girl: "It isn't . owr white faces that attract them, mv t c.-ear: it s our greenbacks. 13 ; . "iiy dear," said the wife of the em- . ln , ent proiessor. '-the hens have scratch- _ ed u-> all that escplant seed van so woe." --Ah. jealousy!" mused "the . proiessor. And lie sat down and wrote I a twenty-pace article on the "Development or Enw in the Minds of thr . -uower-grade of Bipeds." I On one nicrht of his return slr Wil- . .son was steahnjr carenillr up the front , sta.-rs, so that Ins wife would net ha awakened, when he heard her voice h;<r:i and strained. "I don't know whether von are niv hn?hand or a burrrlar." came the excited tenes, "bnt - am rijing to he cn the safe side and shoot."' . w-nspered the dark-eyed giri. whese palm he had crossed with small silver —"sir, beware! A bitter foe will cross your path." "TThni ao_rc-u mean? V-'hen ? Next week?" es. mis- hkelv. The stars sav P"-u." "Then." renlied he. "it'll ha for the foe. I'm off for a fortnignt s motoring." ""Wliy do we send missionaries t-o the " snvness:-" asked the man—"What good dor-s that do them?"—-It edv-caj-s th?m out r.f hahits of idlene« " 'And_whrt_ then —'-They co to hat do they work for?" ,!i," Prcspcrous" and rir-h."— do C = prosperity do them?" - ■ »> P r< l r '" res thc-m leisure and coml nn - —'"»>m(-!i v-2s what thev had h--.T on ., stisrt <"' stirring them up. uat s the use r" .'\ Tr p ." r - or.me rerr Int:- the otW , r 'i ?riU . * r om an im r ..irtr.»it nn'ntical i K; r ra ?- In the h-i! ho ki-Ved KT> snd swearini to till ins wife called to him frr-m impairs; <-v. hat's the matter, mv i n r :Vu ~ " We is." Mr. : oarc.-. snouted, "that, there arc two Jiatrac:cs liore. and I diznno whirh. to han- my hat on."—"But vor.'ve -ot S*o , :1 ' rou?" 'said Poarck soothingly: "Hang one on each tired " Mme n? I>ed - Y °u - re ■ i Pro " r Tlc "' t Herrick. of the Tniver- ; S. t y o. Clncago. desired to nr-ir.t o-{ | to a young sonneteer the dineren-e , ctieen die words "nst-onish" and , ~.V Xoah ProrVsMor idevnclc said, -was once caught bv his v.ne m ifce act of rr°=s:r.g the pretty cook. "Tl, e coo] -_ Wus;]> ;Lr,' lk6 a , r ros V^ ed at to Mrs. Webster said in a r.-'i tremulous voice: "Whv. Vr-h surprised?" R, :t the' trowmnr over his glasses at V? ~ : f" answered reprovingly von' Jiave r.it studied our glorious as. you should. It's I who am s priced, j. on are ast-cn:shcd. J 13 A SAD WEEH,. ? le l!n< ? Kleomily begun. ; For V, Hue Weeks, a poor man's Hi Sun. s .)o?et with h:ll and dun. And iiq liad very little "This cash," said he, "won't pav'mv dues: I ve n-jthmg here but one 3 and A brigiit tiicugnt struck him and "he said "The rich ?,liss Goldhricks I wi'l Rut when he paid his court to hj/"" fciio lisrid. but firmly said: "Xo. Thur." Alas. ■ said he. "Then I must die! 1 m dene. I'll drown—l'll burn—l'll Fri " Thcv found his gloves, and coat, and hat: The Coroner coon them ' Sat SCHOOLBOY "HOWLERS." }} omen's suffrage is the state of suuermg to which they were born. The eartli is an obsolete spheroid. | Lord Raleicli was the first man to ! see the Invisible Armada. Tennyson wrote "In 1 King Edward IV. had no claim b; geological right to the English throne George Eliot left a wife and children to mourn his genii. The capital of Russia is St. Petersburg on the Duma. The Test Act of 1673 was passed to keep Roman Catholics out of publichouses. Henry I. died of eating palfreys. Louis XVI. was gelatined durmg the French Revolution. The Rhine is boarded by wooden mountains. Gender shows whether a man ii masculine, feminine, or neuter. James I. died from argue. An angle is a. triangle with only two sides. Geometry teaches us how to bisex angels. Parallel lines are the same distance all the tray, and do not meet trnlesß you bend them. A parallelogram is a figure made of four parallel straight lines. Horse power is the distance one horse can carry a pound of water in an hour. The magnesium salt in the sea creates the effervescence when the tide comes in. If the air contains more than 100 per cent, of carbolic acid it is very injurious to health. Gravitation is that which if thert were none we should all fly away. The press to-day is the mouth orgai of the people. A vacuum is a large empty spaca where the Pope lives. Martin Harvey invented the circulation of the blood. A deacon is the lowest kind of Christian. The isles of Greece were alway3 quarrelling as to which was the birthplace of Homer; Chaos has the most right "to claim him.