WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXII, Issue 12845, 1 December 1905, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOUR.

In the millennium people will behave tnemselves without knowing it. Otherwise there wouid be difficulty with small boys. _She: Have you ever ioved before? Me: 'No, dear, have you? She: No;bub you kiss like an t old Hand. He: How do you, know? ~- / : •;' .- Mr Jones.- I think- I'm going to have appendicitis. Mrs Jones : Oh, you do! Well, I think I'm going to have a new hat, and your appendicitis can wait. ..-..-. Johnnie : My pa's richer'n your pa> Freddie : P'raps he is, but he'll never gSt back tiie money lie lent my pa. Nurse: Bridget, come her and see a French baby born in Dublin." Bridget: Poor litt.e darlint! It's a great perplexity you'll be to yourself. I'm thinking, when you begin shpeakin'! School Inspector*; How was it that James the First, being King of England, was born in Scotland? Pupil: Why, sir, because his mother happened to be there at the time. Applicant : But I'm afraid I'll feel lonely out in the country, mum. Mistress: Lonely. Not a. bit. Why, there are fourteen of us. (The servant was duly engaged bur never appeared.) . Caller (to child, whose mother has left the room for a moment) : Come here to me, my dear. Enfant Terrible. No, I mustn't do that; mamma told me I must stay sitting in the chair, because there's a hole in the cushion !

'• Gracious, Elsie!" exclaimed the girl's mother, "why are you shouting in the horrible fashion? Whv can't vou be quiet, like Willie?" "He's got to "be quiet the way were playmgY" replied Elsie. "He's papa, coming home lute and I'm you." _ "All hope abandon ye who enter here," i? _ said to be the inscription over the Gates ex Hell. Once, when Dr Jowett was discussing the Freneh people, he. said Dante's inscription was not the correct one. It reahv read : "lei on parle francais.'" Ethel : Which do you think is the prettiest figure in this quadrille? Young Jenkits : Why. yoms. of course. Johnny : Pa. what is the law of gravity -cion? Father: I don't know. I haven't got- time to keep up with every silly law that Parliament passes. ' " What do you think makes the sea salt, "was a question.put to a school class. A brilliant idea, struck a boy. Please, sir, the 'errings." ' ' Arthur: She dismissed me before I had ikished proposing. Now, I'll have to beKin all over again. Jack : Not necessarily. I-y the widow. I thick if quite likely she'll let you begin where you left off. >ne : And Chinese civilisation is very en!, is if not? He: Very. China, was the first, nation in which women wore shoes which were too small for them. "How happy the Dabnev-Joneses look this evening. It must be their wedding anniversary.'" "No; they've got their old cook back."

Mrs Wil'kins : A.nd you used to say you loved the ground I walked, on. Mr Willkins : Yes. I know- I did. Your father owned all the land in that- vicinity. "And your wife aimed at,' and struck yr-'ir head with the cuji?" ~" Yes, sir:" ; Wei!, then. .all.l have -to"say is that you s'li'.uld be very proud of her. ■* Most /women would have failed where Your wife succeeded." ...... "'■•■■■.•, ' Colso'ing : "'I .have, cast my bread upon the water,!' the' young housewife sighed';; '" but it does not' return.'" Her better half strove to .comfort- her. . "Perhaps,'' he suggested gently, "-it has not yet been l'eOognised as such/' -.--.. :.-. ' "You should; not complain, my child, about your school, hours." said> the : mother.' ! ■:' Why, when I was a little girl I spent several more, hours a- clay in . school than you do." "I know, mamma," replied the •little thing, "-but I suppose -.you "we're kept ui tor being naughty." : : "Xow,_ boy?."" said the Sunday school oteacher, " can you te"l me. anything about ~(4coci EridayT' "Yes, ma'am," replied the ,'boy at the foot of the clasps, "he was the fellow who did the housework for Eobin•so:i Crusoe." Inspector : Now. boys, see that when I come again- next Christmas I ' shall hear an ei-celiec't account of you. and shall not hare to be told that you* got, into any trou- . b'e or mischief. " Same -to you* sir," snouted t!:e whole school with one ac- , i'-mmy: Paw. you're always talking KJK-.ut moral courage. What is moral courage 7 Mr Tucker : It is the sort of courage, my boy. that enables a man who has a poor feed at a. swell restaurant to go out w.'.uiout tipping the waiter. "\'iur.g man/* said the stern matron in the haiiway, " I don't think I would care ~°:' J im t(> c; on In y daughter again." "Ahy not?" asked the young man, turn- ' ■-- j'i'le. "Well, to begin with.' you are to- disrespectful. I heard you say that- I v.-.ic. pnv/.ler." "Ye.-. baking .powder, and the best cook i:s- the neighbourhood. ' Ar.d alter that- mamma always met him at the r-oor when he cabled and gave hi:o -j. flower.

I " Ueiirem-nt. how goes your campaign Hi-ainst the fair Miss Bullion's heart?'' '• It's over. She has surrendered. I went there ]a:-c evening, intending merely to make a denmnstratiot:. Finding less resistance than I expected, 1 moved forward and—ami I j s:- n had her surrounded. Owing to the | sy*-..'erioriry cf my arms she capitulated at j The honeymoon was in full bloomy and j six* was cosily located on his knee.., "-Clar- | ence. dear," she;,whispered, and he ; \"Deht-;his [head to listen, ."do: you- I | wr.uld do if your love fcr^iel-shquld'grow [ cold?' "I suppose you Wouldv.pine awav j and. die. wouldn't yh\x. £ pet £*j" he tasked, artev the maimer of a man who thought he was sure of the :answm\ 7" 2fot ence." replied the- bridelet.""■"»'fd:./ get a drvorce and many some other fellowJ That's the answer."., ."-'■'"■ .- : ' ■:. ■ Young 3leeter made a bet ; that he would the Ojjestion to the haughty; Miss de Ve-e and get "yes/" as his j won his bet. " And./>vhen is the wedding i'_ be?*" asked the loser. " Oh," Isaid j Bieeter, as he pocketed the:money, " there j isn't going to be any wedding. The question I put to Miss de Yere;: was, •' Would you rather remain single than accept me?.' " An Irish landlord and his wife riding out met one of the.tenants. "And sure I I ;y»i-d a dranie about your 'honour lasht j night sending nier'a pound of tobiccy Vand iye? ladyship a pound of tay, a^cd,its joyful am If'rto; mornmgy'Vsaid 'jt.se tenant. "But. my good man., dreams •generally go by the" contrary.^ 5 - ; " indeed ! J Then yer worship has to send the.,tav.and i her ladyship the tobacev." was the "quick reply. ,' A chnrch meeting was being held in-a, | b.r.il. ard the organist played some rather j lively music on the harmonium while the pe--[)lo were assembling. A minister present, thinking the music rather inappn>prfste, went U> the organist, and asked him w]:;..i it was. He ca'me tack fully satisilftil. " It's ali right."' he exclaimed" to the other ministers: "it's music fn>m a piece calls-'.' Pa Hence :' quite appropriaie to the i 0.-j.-ji'on like this."