WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXI, Issue 12480, 17 September 1904, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Wo nil have our trials, and most el [us like to report them in lull. Kniploytjv: Do you love eiiildron?— Bridgetlt all depends on the wages, ilium 1 You can't spend momy and have it too, but unless you spend it nobody will think you've got it. Whv is it expedient (hut a boy should bo l.eliind with his ntudies?— llenuiso. if it wero not so, he could not pursue them. " Lawd 1" exclaimed a coloured citizen, as lie mopped the perspiration from hi* brow. " Mow I docs wish they'd put a few ino' dark spots on do sun 1' Insanity in evorv country is more prevalent hmong unmarried men than married persons. Marriage, it would appear, luingft people to thoir senses. "Doctor, I feol wretched; nothing interests nio. 1 have no appetite, and can't sleep. What would you advise met« dor "Marry tho giil, sir; marry Iho girl." "Why ih H," united Mr HiKK* laundress, " tliut you charge me almost twice as much as you charge my friond Diggs?" "Well," was the sereno reply, "you nop suh, yoh shirts don't fit my liunban' as well as Mistah Dipgs' dors; an' dey ain' as good shirts, neither."

Customer: I don't lilto tho shoes; tho solos arc too thick.—(Shopman : You will loarn to liko them, as tho objections you speak of will gradually wear oil'. When wc make a poor guess we realise that to err is human ; but when we make a good ono wo aro convinced that fore sight is a matter of intollcctuiil superiority.

"I don't want a paper lo read, young man," said the country visitor lo tho fashionable reMtuiiiint, when tho waiter handed him u bill of faro. "It's dinner I want."

Mrs Honpeck : This paper says that married women live longer than single ones, —Mr Honpeck : Heavens, woman I Can't you think of something ploasant to talk about ?

.Schoolmistress • Johnnie, who was it that prompted you thou? 1 hoard someone whisper that date to you—Johnnie : IMonse, ma'am, I expect it was history repoatin' itself agaiu.

First. Foil - Graduate : Did you lcnvn any(hing particular nt the chemistry clans?— Second Ditto: 1 should tliinlc no. I learned nil about. peroxide of hydrogen—makes tlio lmir yellow, yon know. Wifcy: Do you recollect that omit, when we Imd a till', 1 said you were just as mean as yon could lip. - llnliliy : Yes, darling.—Wifcy : O James, how littlo did 1 know you then 1 Clara : Do you know. Maud. Mv Nnilthers paid me a grout compliment last nighty— No: what ilid lie nay? -He said 1 wan ntnong tlie prettiest girls at the jhhly.—■ Yes, I noticoil you were among (hem.

American wan correspondent : 1 wish I were back in "New York.—Kng'ish war correspondent : Why ?--American war correspondent : I'd lie iible to learn something about what, they're doing here. Dock lalM/iirer to foreman, who has given him a specially heavy job to do : ] say, did I tell ye my name ? —Foreman i Yes; you said it* was Thiunoh.—-Labourer: Oh, ay, I was fear'd ye were thinkin' it was Samson. There will be a serum for every disease. " >Tnst what do you mean by Unit, doctor?" "I mean that the time will eomo when every ill which flesh is heir to may by nimplo inoculation 1)6 exchanged for some oilier ill.

"Never mind," said tlio friend, soothingly, " you'll wake up some morning and find' yourself famous." "Not much I" growled the pessimistic poet, "it would be just like my luck to oversleep mysoif that morning." Venice, sir? What did 1 tliinlc of Venice? Waal, to toll the truth, I didn't take much stock of Venice, When

I got there the streets were all flooded, and the people had to go about in boats, so T only stayed one night.

Actress (angrily) : Did you write thnti criticism whicn raid my impersonation of the abandoned wife was a miserable failure? —Critic : Yey-e-s : you sec, you looked so irresistibly "beautiful that it was imposf ible to fancy that any man conkl abandon vou.

A Mormon boy out in Utah Olio day chanced to meet his own pa ; Cried the glad little olio: "Shake, pa, I'm your son 1" "Indeed?" said the mm; "who's your ilia?"

Tommy was visiting m neighbour's. At dinner flic hunter apologised lit liim because tho table linen wiih soiled nl his plate. "Oil, tlmt'H nothing," lie assured tier, promptly; " our's is worso'n Hint at home." "Me Heavyweight." mud the minister, "is willing to subscribe tun thousand dolIniM for a liciv church, provided ivc ran gel other subscriptions mailing tip 1 Sio same amount." "Vet vmi seem disappointed," said hiw wife. " Yen, 1 wan in hopes lie would cnnlribnlo a hundred dol ! nr« in cash." Doctor: Mrs llrown him cent for me to sec her boy, mid 1 musl go at once. Wife : What is the matter wilh the boy?— Doctor : I don't know; but Mrs Itrown has » book on "What to do before the Duel incomes," nnd 1 inust litmy up before flit) doc« it or the miy will be jlead.

Would-be Contributor: Here's my IMS. which 1 olfcred you a year ago.—Kditor: lint if I refused il a ymr ago, what's tho use of bringing it back now?■--('oiilrlbtiloi': Well, vim liuvo bad n ycav's experience since then. Perhaps you will be better able Mo spot ri good thing when you fee

it. Miss Smart (entertaining dull youth) : Have you hoard the joke about the museum whe-e tliov bad two skull" of Columbus, one when he was a boy. and llie other " hen lie was a limn? —Dull Youth : No, 1 i'ouT think 1 have heard lliat; slory. What is the joke? A lady and her Ultle daughter were wnlk-in-r through (Irosvcnor vcpiai-o when they "ami to a portion of the road slrown with si raw. . "What's that for. ma?" said tlm child, to which the mother replied, "Tho lady who lives in that hoiife. titv hj"« bad a 'ittle babv girl sent her." The child walked n'onp; for a few yards, and • lie - ', tnrninir bid.- and norVliog at t''o straw, said, "Awfully we'l packed, nn !" An ordinal) - echo is a curious, thing ,- Iml, according to the Matcinunls of a. Kiel chimin at a watering-place in the Pyrenees, tine cello on the Pi unco-Prussian frontier is far ironi oidiuary. "As soon as y. u ha\e spoken." said the Frenchman, who had secured a-.i a:niiei;co of wide-eyed louii:ts, "you hi-nr di:liiictly tile voice 'cap from 'rod; In lock, from pieci|iicu lo piocipiie, and as soon as il has pac-cd • lie front ier i-'- as' tho f--pat.i'-h tongue 1" " I'.'cononiv," raid (livcni'.r t.'lnl lerl'-n,

[if Wyoming, "is h!wny* atliniriib'o. A Cl;m omio hutter, tli'iiij'h. wan tiu> 'i.tlivi- day villi 11 t? ci: iiKiinifiil i-plnl of ii visitor to liin (.hop, Thin visitor, u, lull mail with gray Imir, entcied with a, uoft fell li-tl, wrapped in paper, in lim hand. 'Tlinv much will it rust,' lie said, 'to five this lint gray, to match my hair*' "About, u dollar,' 'tlie hatter answered. 'Hie tall man wrapped the hat tip again. '1 wmi't pay it'.* lie miM : '1 can goi inv hair dyed to mutch the hut for ii qtiartcr.