FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXIX, Issue 12187, 3 October 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

" You said she is a business woman. What business is she interested in?" "Oil, ever)'body's." The ocean in the only power on ea.rtllij that ctin make a woman ijiiiilforejiit to Jiier peiwonß.l appearance.

Working Alan (to Snipps, weakly twirling gyowth on upper lip) : "Bo very careful as you 'don't sprain your wrist, young feller!"

" What's the- diiffero.nce 'between fiumness and obstinacy?" "Why, it's tho famous , old difference between nwnim. nndl tuum us nearly as I can find out." In selecting husbands, women will do well toibear in mind that the miore of the brute , a man has in him, the bettor-naiturcd' it makes him simply to be fed. "Wouldn't we be surprised if we could see

ourselves as others seo us?" "Yes, but the others would be surprised, too, if they could seo us as wo soo ourselves." Lawyer: " I must know th© whole 1,-niUi before I can successfully defend you. Have you told me everything?" Prisoner: "Yes, evorythin', 'cept where. I hid ,tlie Money, undl I want that for myself!" An infant from sunny Marseilles Each ryghl. fiiis 'the air with, its weilles, Whi.o its poor French papa, And :ts petit; uranium.

Weep enough to fill sovoral pcillos. "Talk about absiMit-miiidiediM.'m," said l n man the other d'ay, "why, I like it, for, when I was a boy, I worked for a man who was so absent-minded' .that 'he discharged me three, times in one week and .paid l me a week's wages each time.!" " It's a.u eifht-hmir duy for about every 1 - . body now, isn't it?" "On, no ; not for lihe.. employers.'' "And why aiot for tliomi?'.' .. "ißecau.ie, if liliey had been eonU'.iit wij.h , an eight-hour day, tliey wouldn't have mjcoeodied' iit becoming employers." Uncle Reiiibcsn wiys:—Now nn' den I h'air a man dieclarin' cl'at life am a failure, or asm' if life am wiith d'e libin'. In sioh j cases I alius figgeri dat he's found he con,'t botTy amy mo' money, or d«it has father-in- * law has axed him to go out jui' nim his own boards

A 'bottle of medicine supplied by «> linn of druggists in Cork bears this.label : " Caution.—ln all medicines for outward arr plicatifliii this label is attached' tio tflfce bottle in order to -distinguish it from others fwr internal use, but persons unable 4o midl Should 1 not be allowed to Administer Jin-d.'i-cines, and never give or tak« a. d'oso wifthout first perusing the label." A certain grocer enjoys the unenviable notoriety of selling the worst goodij in the, district; but 'ho 'has not recovered; fionii tliid shock lie got the othviv d-iy, ivhwi a littlo girl came into the shop and Kiidl:— "'My ma sen* me for* two ounces of yer best' tea for to kill rats with, an' a. pound of yier finest ham, an' bo sure to cut it in th'iik slices, because it's to sole nm' heel rav dad's boots."

During hw engagement in Saiv FrsMicisco, Mrs Patiriick Camp'bell was taken for a. trip around the bay. Among the party was a young mini of the all-pervading kind, whose attentions to the noted acttfbw) were more lavish than welcome. As Win parly stood giaaing on the city, the young nw.i* said!: "Do you see that house up there, Mrs Campbell?" describing the location. " Yes," said' the patient guest. " I was bomn there," remarked the imrmerou.s one, proudly. ■/ Ho paused for a reply, nmd this was what 'he heard : " What n pity." The young man managed to efface hirnKcli.

THE CUCKOO CLOCK. "Yes," said Mrs O'Flagherty, "mo lmsbaaid's a wonderful inon indeed, Sure, lie can mend roads like an arrtist, he can carry bricks in a manner Mr Chamberlain himself couldn't aqiialt and—think of it!—he can spake a speech like a born orator, and, what's more, he can mind clocks. There's a mon for ye!" " Mend clocks, can he?" interjected Mrs O'Brien. '' Sure, I didn't know that!" " Bedad, I should think he could!" continued Mrs O'Flngherty. " Sure, Mrs Mac. Dougal, didn't he mind your cuckoo clock so that it kapes beautiful time now?" " That he did, Mrs O'Flagherty," replied Mrs MacDougal; "he minded it till it's only got ono single fault now. Sure it oos" before it clicks 1" DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.

Two; Ynnke© miners Vjpo playing cards, and found their iwnurement rather a dull one, for neither could overreach the other, At last one of the previous- couple pushed his chair back, arose and said: "I'm tired of this; let's hwvo a change. I'll jest bet yet even 1000 dollars that 1 kin take them keerds and cut the Jack <>' hearts the- very fust timo." " I'll take ycr," replied the other, a very quiet fellow. . ' Staikes wore deposited with <in onlooker, and ;u pack of cards was produced and laid on the table between the . gamblers. Tho layer of the bet thereupon drew his bowio knife, and neatly sliced dhe cards in two from lop to bottom. " Thair," said he, " I cut thei Jack o* hearts th' ifust. time, mister, an' I reckon I'll fw>c»> on to that thar cash. Fork her over, mister. The agreement was that I were th' Jack th' fust time, an' 1 done it. . I cut it, "Idn't IV" f "Wal, no," said the other, "I rayulier think not, for th' .Turk were nnt tln-re. Yer soc, stranger, I thought it wiser, undor th' circumstances, to take- the .precaution oil placing that there ca«t up my sleeve!"

WHY HE TURNED PALE. At a. shooting range there is usually a telephone from the marksman's .•.land l»-v the target. The marker is thus in com- > munication with the shooter, and if .care is used is in no danger. Occasionally, however, accidents happen like the following. Sir Henry Halford- was shooting at- a range of a thousand yards. The day was not clear, and it was impossible ait such a distance to see surely, even through a glass, the movements of the marker. Thinking the marker must bo ready for him to begin, Sir Henry asked through tho telephone, " Are you" all right?" The'marker replied, ''All right, sir, in aminute." Unluckily, Sir Henry caught the "All right, sir,"' but missed the last part- of the sentence by removing the. telephone U»i soon from his ear. He lay down and tired a pliot. On looking through his tcle-oopo lie was horrified to see the marker with a, perfectly white face staggering towards his shelter. Ringing him up 'on 'the telephone, Sir Henry cried, "What has happened? Are you badly hurt?" "No, sir, I'm not hurl," came the reply > "but I had a bucket-of whitewash between my legs painting the target, an J you put a 'bullet into it, and splashed it all over my face," GAVE UP IN DESPAIR.

Teacher: "Suppose-, Johnny, you have it stocking on one foot and you put -.mother stocking on the oilier foot, how many would you have on both feet?" Boy: "I never wear stockings." Teacher: " Suppose your father has cr>o pig in a- pen and he buys another pig, and puts it in the pen, how many pigs would there be in tho pen?" Boy : " Dad don't keep 'pigs." The teacher heaved >v heavy sigh, wiped the perspiration from his scholastic brow, and went at it .again with renewed umra;;c. "Suppose you v had one jacket an! yi-Ur father made you a. present of iiiuiHer jacket, how many jackets would' von hiwo then?"

Boy: "He ain't that kind of father; ho never gives nothing away." Teacher: "Suppose you have one apple and your mother gives you another one, what will you have then?"

'Hoy: " Stomach iicho. Out apples arc oil cooking apples." The'teacher then began to Mis|vct tjw boy was not well tip in arithmetic ; but bo resolved to mnke one more effort. *v» ho said: "If a poor little -beggar ■ boy lm» ft cake and you give him one more how many would he'have then." Boy. "I dimno; 1 always eat my own cakes." , The teacher gave up th© examil.ulion and dismissed tie claw.