FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXIX, Issue 12111, 4 July 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

I —• "Our delusions aro tho sweetest things in life i " said the gentle optimist. "How about the man who thinks be can *ing?" asked the pessimist. Scientists assert thut the ily can imtk* 600 strokes a. second with il« wings; but (says a humourist) it' prefers to loaf about on the bald man's head and tickle him. Mother: " Why aren't you and George as good boys as your little brother?" Young Hopeful: "I i'puse it's 'cause you'd had more experience bringin' up boys when you commenced on him."

Lenten Discipline.—Aunt (to small nieeo and smaller nephew) : " Can't vou two children give up some little pleasure before Lent is over?" Nephew: " Well, Mollic'i* going to give up teasing me, and I'm going to give up hitting her when she does." Young Wife: "I'm so unhappy." Oirl Friend: " Why, dear?" Young Wife : "I'm beginning (o realise that my husband married me. for my money." Girl Friend: "Well, it, ought to bo some consolation to know that he isn't a» big a fool as ho looks."

Mr Wayhack : " Great Scott! What you got the furin man ploughin' up the frontyard for?" MrsWayback: "Our darter says the first pictur' she takes with her now camera will be the house, mid her book of instructions says she must break up tho foreground; but, of course, she can't do that herself."

a gentleman prominent in judicial circles in Chicago entered a restaurant and waa immediately approached by one of thoknights of the napkin, who remarked cheerily, "I havo devilled kidneys, pigs' feet and calves' brains." " Havo you?" replied the jurist coolly. " Well, what aro your ailments to mo? I came to eat."

Tinkle: " It's a long lane, you know, that has no turn." Wrinkle: "I don't know anything of the kind. That musty •Id falsehood has done Bervie<? long enough. Anyone with commonsense should know that it is the short lane that has no turn. The longer the lane the more opportunity and reason there is for varying its course." When going down the Channel a few weelc-s ago, a tramp steamer encountered' very rough weather. A sailor was unfortunately washed overboard, and tho captain called l to Patrick Casey (a new hand) to throw a. buoy over. A few moments later 'he asked Pat if he had. thrown tho buoy over. " No, sir," said Pat. "" I couldn't find a buoy, so I chucked an old man over I"

It was fair time in Selkirk, and Sandy ■ and his sweetheart were wandering round, arm-in-arm, enjoying the sight*. Presently they espied a smart-looking pie shop, which they promptly entered. Sandy ordered onepie, sat down, and commenced to eat it. , Meanwhile the girl looked shyly on. " Is't fine, Sandy?" she- timidly asked. "Ay,'tis awfu' fine, Jennie," he answered. "Ye should buy one!" A well-known bishop, who was anxious to gain an insight into the tastes and manners of (he working classes- in London, travelled one morning by a workman's train ' on the Underground Railway, and whs much struck with the potency of several' expressions which he was compelled to listen to. He ventured to ask how they came to learn such language. "Learn it,/yer rivireiieo!" was the reply; "yer can't k'uni it-it's a gift!"

READ THIS IN TWO WAYS. I always did intend To take to mo n wife Single my lite to Hneml Would spoil my very lifo. It much, delighteth mo To think upon n brids To live from women froo. I can't bo satisfied. A female to my mind The joy I can't upr«n I ne'er expect to find. So great in singleness. A bachelor to live 1 never could aifroe My mind I freely (five. A married inaa to be. NOT SO BAD. ' ' ' Mrs Henpock: " 1 read this owming about a man who was arrested twenty minutcß after his wedding mid sent to prison for fifteen years. Isn't ihat awful I" Mr Henpcck : " Oh, I don't know. Tho law doesn't compel him to take his wife to prison with him, does it?" HARMONIOUS. Nangle: " I hear there was a disturbance at tli* meetin' last night." , Flummery : "Ye heard wrong, thin; for when M'Gowan hit fch' chairman in th' eye, wo threw him out o' th' windy, an' tM-t stopped, all trouble. Oh, was harmonyus an' quiet." £fflsW SMARTLY ANSWERED. A famous painter had a fixed l rule that none of his pupils was to 'be allowed to smoke in his studio. One day, however, he went into tlie room, and saw that one of the pupils had a. lighted cigarette in his fingers, which he was endeavouring ineffectually to conceal. The pointer went, up to him and remarked': "That is a curious kind of pencil that. you have got there, my young friend. May I ask what vou propose to draw with it?" " Cloud's/ was the ready answer. LIGHTNING LUNCH. The practised citizens of Chicago can get through the proscribed courses of a " lightning lunch "in less than a minute. According to the rhymer of tho "Toronto Globe this is> how it is done: Their soup in tho form of a capsule they bolt, Their fish courso they suck from a quitl; Concentrated beef-steak They're enabled to take. In tho shape of a rather large pill; ■ \ Mutton chops arc condensed into wafers with ease, Thero ib nothing to chew or to crunch; And a> lozenge completes, If they're anxious for " sweets," What's comprised in a " lightning lunch.'*''' And they'ro able to boast, In a minute at most, They can tho " lightning lunch." THE COCKSURE SCHOOLBOY. Here are some examples' of what the British schoolboy can do when ho tries hard: "John Wesley Mas a great sea captain. He beat the Dutch at Waterloo, and by diegrces rose to be Duke of Wellington. He was buried near Nelson, in tho Poet*' Corner at Westminster Abbey." Asked to name six animal* ])eciiliaii to the Arctic regions, a hoy replied: " Tlicro bears and three seals." "The Sublime Porte is a very fine old wine." "The possessive c-.ifo is tho case when somebody has got yours and won't give it to you." "Tlie plural of penny is twopence.." " In the sentence, ' i' saw the goat butt the man,' 'butt' is a conjunction, ■because, it shows tho connection bet-ween the goat and the man." " Mushrooms always grow in damp places-, and so they look like umbrellas." . "Tho difference between wal-cr and air is thnt air can he made wetter but water, cannot." I BUYING A BICYCLE. While out for a stroll the oth«r afternoon a- certain gentleman reached the foot of a hill just as a cyclist, who had evidently lost control of his machine, came tearing down. Thero was « misty spill, and the gentleman hurried forward to the unfortunate . cyclist's assistance. As it, UiHicd out, however, lie ww not much hurl, and the condition of his machine appeared to trouble him more than anything else. "Just my luck." he groaned, as the gentleman approached. "That machine cost fifteen guiwKis a fortnight ago. I'd take a sovereign for it now. After a hurried examination of the bicycle the gentleman expressed the opinion that " matters might have been worse." " It's unridaMc at pwsent," he remarked, - "but I wouldn't mind giving a sovereign • \ for it." . i ■ln a very few minutes the ibargahiNwas concluded, .'and the stranger hobbled off wilh the Movewign instead of u bicycle. The gentleman's feeling* may i>e imagined when, thiw minute:; later, a party of evclisls, headed by a jiolieiMiian. rode down the. hill and claimed the machine, which had Ik-oii stolen from the front of a puMiclinuso, less than a mile away. The thief was never captured, and tho innocent receiver hud some difficulty in clearing himself.