FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 12027, 28 March 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

We never gits acquainted wid what dey calls Opportunity till he'a too fur out er reach ter shake han's.

Master (to arithmetic class) : "How many make a million?" Johnny Smart: "About one m a million, I should say, sir." "Well, \nllie," asked grandma, "have you .had all the dinner you want ?" "No " answered the boy, " but I have had all I can eat." Mrs Riley: "Are yez on callin' terms wid our neighbour?" Mrs Murphy : "Av coorse I am. She called me a thafe and I called her another." "Well, if you're not a good-looking man, Fred, you are certainly an immense credit to your tailor." "Do you think so? He says I am an immense debit." "Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat, what would you say?" "I- should call ™ a confounded silly ass!" " Then don't sit on it any longer, there's a dear/' "Were you carefully brought up, my lad?" asked the merchant of the applicant for a situation. "Please sir, yes, sir; I came up in the lift, sir," said the respectful youth. "Would you die for me?" she asked, sentimentally. "Now, look here," he returned, in his matter-of-fact way, " are we supposed to be planning a cheap novel or a wedding ?" " Seems to me, Maud, that young Mr Hankinson stayed pretty late last night. Did he have any pressing business?" Maud (blushingly): " Not till just before he went away, mamma." Jenkins, writing to thank his aunt for a large goose sent at Christmas, says: " You could not have sent me a more acceptable present, or one that would have reminded me of you more pleasantly." "1 just asked Airs A ouveau-Biche if she enjoyed Venice, and wliat <io you Dimiic »lie said?'' " Uive it up.' " Xliat Uiey only stayed overnight, as the streets were Hooded and people had to go about in noats." . - W Uiie : " 1 say, pa, is every word in the dictionary?" Pa: "xno, i believe not, my son. livery little waile a new one comes into use." vVillie: " Wliat's the last word, then, pa?" Pa: "I don't know, Go and asli your mother." JNew Governess : " Now, Tommy, sit up, and tell me what are ''Weights and Measures.' " Tommy: "Please, Miss Jones, Waits are people who como Howling outside at Christmas-time, and Measures are what pap says he'll take to stop 'em!" The teacner asked tlie class wherein lay the -difference in meaning between the words " sufficient " and " enough." " ' Sufficient,' " answered Tommy, '• is when mother thinks it's time for me to stop eating pudding ; ' enough ' is when I think it is." O'Brien: " And so Jaykers is proud av his deschit, is he?" M'Turk: "Yes, he ia terribly stuck-up about it." O'Brien: " Well, begorra, Oi've a bit av. a descint meself to boast about. Oi descinded four storeys wanst, whin the ladder broke, and niver sphilled a brick!" At a political meeting held recently in a town in the east of Scotland, the speaker was frequently interrupted in his remarks. At length, after losing patience, he looked at his interrupter, and said: " One fool at a time, gentlemen, please." " You gang on then, maister," came the reply. A QUESTION OP ECONOMY. " Laura," said the young lady's mother, not unkindly, "it seems to me that you had the gas turned rather low last evening." "It was solely for economy, mamma," the maiden answered. " It's no use trying to beat the gas company, my daughter. I have noticed that the shutting off of the gas is always followed by corresponding increase of pressure." "Well, that lessens the waist, doesn't it, mamma dear?" replied the artless girl. And., her fond parent could find no more to say. ONE QUESTION TOO MANY. Wife : " Such a dream as I had last night, dear!" Husband: " May I hear about it?" " Well, yes. I dreamed that I was in a great establishment where they sold husbands. There were beauties ; some in glass cases, and marked at fearful prices, and others were sold at lessi figures. Girls were paying out fortunes and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful." "Did you see any like me there, dear?" " Yes. Just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnant counter." THEN -IT STRUCK. A York schoolmaster had a particularly troublesome set of hoys to deal with, and consequently had to resort a good deal to the influence of. the cane. One day, when some unpardonable breach of discipline had been committed, he stood with several of the ringleaders in front of the class. " Boys," said he, sternly, " it seems to one that I have to work the cane a great deal more than I ought to work it." " Yes, sir," retorted the demon of the class, with a significant look at the cupboard. " I shouldn't wonder if it comes out on str.ike soon." And sure enough it did. RECOGNISED HIS OWN. At the luncheon given to William Archer, the well-known dramatic critic, there were some informal speeches, and in the course of one of them somebody told a story at which everyone present, except Mr Archer, roared. Mr Archer remained as impassive as a statue and looked dejected as a mute. " Well," remarked his neighbour, " I know many men who can't see the point of a, joke, but I didn't include . you among those who required it hammered and chiselled into their heads."

" It's not that," said Mr Archer. " I'm a, modest man and don't believe in selfapplause. I made that joke myself ten years ago!"

AUNTIE GOT EXCITED. A very funny incident took plaoe at a. school football match played under the Kugby code. One of the schoolboy players had prevailed oh an aunt of his to come and see the struggle. The lady did not approve of football, but in order to please, her favourite nephew she attended. She viewed the game calmly for some time ; until her pet got possession of the ball, and was immediately upset by one of the opposite side. The -good lady gazed in amazement at this (to -heii auind) unprovoked attack, and, as the aggressor was running by within a few yards of her she saluted him with the handle of her umbrella across his shoulders.

The spectators cheered enthusiastically, and the unfortunate nephew bas not heard the last of it yet. He takes female relatives no longer to football matches. ; SOLOMON DH>NT KNOW. A man with strong opinions of his own as to the fitness of things is gardener and man-of-all-woik lo a minister in a- rural parish in Scotland. Part of the minister's glebe is under cultivation. One boisterously windy day the clergyman despatohed a message to his servant to smv a portion of a field known to them both as the "Tjarik." In no very amiable mood the man made his wav to the study. "Dae ye want me to s>ow the bank, be inquired, somewhat- sternly. "Yes, John, I do," replied his master. "Ye canna sow in sich a; day o' wind," explained John- • '•Well," replied the minister. " you know Solomon'says: 'He that considereth the wind will not sow.'" But even Solomon was of no account with John.

•• 1 iiuina care a. button what Solomon says," he returned, irately. " I fancy he kens as little about farmers'" work as ye da<;. or he wadna hae said ony such'thing. Naebody but daft folk wad think o' sowin' in sich a wind. Solomon may say what he likes, but him an' ye both wadna mak' * guid ploughman between ye." And the " bank " was not sown that day.