FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXII, Issue 3130, 9 December 1899, Page 2 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

--♦-■■ I Sonic-body on whom to throw the blame i> about the greatest c-unvunieucc a person can have. Boarding-school Teacher : " And now, K<lnh. tell wj the plural of baby." Kdith (promptly) . "Twins." It doesn't i. : :y u> prophesy. If you get it right, nobody remembers it ; if you get it wrung, nobody forgets it. You can always tell a bachelor by noticing whether he carries a baby most like a lighted lamp or an overcoat. "■ Doesu i it cost you a good deal to run this yacht, old manY" " \ v es, but mv wife caiM spend a farthing lun s l le ' s in.ro." .Mr< Posey : " Heading is quite a passion uith my husband." Mrs Dresser : "So it is uiih mine— whcifrhf reads my milliner's bills." " Why should I marry you ?" she asked, coldly. "Well, of course." lie replied, viciously, "ytui can be an old maid if you wish." Sunday School Teacher: "Who loves everybody, Johnnie?" Johnnie :■" My pa docs, eos lie's trying to get into the Town Council." Bohemian : " Do you think the magazine editors read all the* poems they decline?" I'oc-t : " It looks more as if they didn't read the ones they 'irint." Wife ; " How did you dare to scold me before Mrs Brown?" Husband: "At ell, you know, my love, I daren't scold you wheni we are hv ourselves." " You haven't another cigar like the one you gave me the other day, have you!'" " Yes ; here's one." " Thanks, old man. '"m trying to break my boy of smoking." " Two missionaries were attacked and surrounded by a- negro warrior." "I don't see how one nigger could surround two missionaries." "By absorption, my dear sir." A native wrote thus to an English missionary at Lagos, apologising for not coining to see him: — "Had not distance preponderated, I should have approximated to see you." Uneasy Passenger (on an ocean isteam--hip) : "Doesn't the vessel tip frightfully 1 '" Dignified Steward : " The vessel, mum, is trying to set a good example to the passengers." Hewitt : "I snt at the table nest to yours at the restaurant yesterday, and I couldn't see why you laughed at the .stories Grewitt was telling." Jewitt : "He was paying for the dinner." A pol iceman swore to nn affidavit as follows: — "Tlie prisoner sat upon me, calling me an ass, precious dolt, a scarecrow, a ragamuffin, and an idiot, all of which I certify is true." He: "Dearest, say 'the little word that will make me happy for life." She : " Have you spoken to papa ?"' He : " Oh, yes -, he says the money is all your own, free from encumbrance." Loving Mother: "I cannot understand what make.- our boy Robert so fond of pedestrianisin." Fond Father: "He gets that from me. Didn't I walk the floor with him for weeks when he was a baby." Young Wife : " I got a beautiful parchment diploma from the cookery school today — and I cooked this for you. Now, guess What it is" Husband (with a. slab of omelette between itis teeth): '"The diploma." TROD OX HIS CORNS. "My stars!" exclaimed a man, pushing seme one who stood near him, " you have trod on my corn." The fellow snatched out a box of ointment, and replied — " I can relieve you, sir, m a few minutes. Only Is. Endorsed by tlie medical fraternity everywhere. There is no use m suffering. One box? Thank you, he added, as he put the money m his pocket. "It was an accident you found him." some one remarked to the salve dealer. "Oh. no-, it wasn't. If you a-k a man if he's got corns he don't want to talk to you, but when you find out that he's got 'em. the chances of selling him the medicine are good. I advertise my medicine by going into crowds and slyly feeling for coins. Yonder stands a fat fellow. When the crowd gets thicker I'll go over and taj> his hoof. Oh. yes, it may be painful ; but, my dear sir, the business of this country must be carried on • regardless of sentiment." t WELL CAUGHT! A certain gentleman who was always very pleased to help the police whenever an opportunity arose, went one day to see a cricket match. While there, his lynx-like eyes c night sight of some youths playing cards, and, being himself of an anti-gamb-ling nature, he quietly informed a policeman of what he had seen. "Playing cards? No fear." replied the constable. " I know them chaps very well ; they are quite respectable." "But,'" persisted his informant. "I saw them doing so. and when they saw I was lot.-kin- they hid the cards, and I'll bet you a sovereign' to a penny that that little chap w'th a straw hat on has, got them m his pocket." "Want to bet, do you?" said the constable, with a twinkle m Iris t-ye, "and that board over there says—' Betting strictly prohibited.' So I think I'd better- make sure of one jotf to-day, and run you m for betting. THK SMALL BOY AND THE SENTRY. An imposing mounted cuirassier m one ...f the boxes of the Horse Guard.* was rather cruelly chaffed by a gamin. "Wot cheer, ole tin-ribs?"' familiarly shouted the youngster. Trooper Tin-ribs responded to the salutation by growling — " Hook it out of that, you young rascal!" " Who is yer a-movin' on?" yelled the bo y m a most intensely aggravating fashion. " Is yer so cocky as to thin-k yer is the perleecc? Come down from that 'oss o' yourn, an' I'll punch yer." The helpless Wntry looked uncomfortable, and the boy applying a grimy thumb to a grimier and very diminutive nose, danced about m front of the irate Life Guardsman. At length the trooper, losing all patience under tire torment, shouted for the noncommissioned officer of the guard. The boy went on— " Oil, "cos yer hain't fit to tackle me yerself. yer hollers for another cove dressed m a 'Stralian meat-tin weskit. I aven't time ju*i now to wallop the pair on yer, as I've. Eot werry "portant ;*i" pressin' bizines-s I" r tend to. Good mornin', Mister Bloomin' Tin-ribs." And the reverend youth executed a timely bolt, just as the clanking of spurs indicated tile arrival on tlie .spot of the corporal of the guard. F\NNY KFiMBLK GOT HER WASHING. It is related of Fanny Kemble that she tarried the tragic air of the stage into everyday affairs. While m Boston she stopped' at the Tremont House, mid— was .icc«stonn?il to dine m her room at five ./clock. On ono occasion the waiter brought I 1 1 iv dinner ten minutes too soon, and she arade him lake it away until the hour had struck. On another occasion she gave the servant «,n\e clothes for tlie laundry. "When can these be returned to me. washed and ironed?" she inquired. " The day after to-morrow, madam, atnoontime.' ■• Me it sn," was the dininatie reply. " «i (welve on Wednesday." But on the hour appointed tlie clothes had not' been returned, -and at ten minutes past noon a servant stood before her m response to the slmrt summons of the bell. "My clothes that were to !>e returned at iwelvp tn-day— bring them." 'But. madam, we have not been able t<» .jot them ready, owing to a difficulty m the humdry. You shall have them to-morrow." ■ Brian- i hem :iow< — they were promised to-day." '•'l 'know it. madam; but they are not ready." •It matters not to me; bring them just ns they are." The servant went out, and a few minutes later two men entered, 'bearing a tubful of «,,;ipsnds and wet clothes, set it on the floor, and went out.