HOW HE GOT HIS "PAR."*

Timaru Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 1899, 30 November 1877, Page 3

HOW HE GOT HIS "PAR."*

(By Richmond Thatcher, brother of tha inimitable Thatcher.) He came into our office the other day just at the time when we had a little leisure, and the odds are not four to one, as racing men say, that he waß not fully aware we would be at liberty just then to listen to them. He was a man about whoso appearance there was nothing particularly remarkable. His df ess waa ' noither good nor bad, and although his' coat might have been black instead ot " quarter- acre section" material, and have had fewer and less capacious pockets, loudness was not its chief characteristic. He had on just enough jewellery to let one see that he could afford to wear it, ' and his whole appearance showed that, like Mr Weller, ho was not obliged to do without mutton, if he could riot get the caper sauce. His face, and particularly liis eyes, bespoke travel, and led us to think that he had not gone through the world with those " windows of the soul" Bhut, though there waa nothing about him that could have been objected to as knowingness. He made a slight bow, and while doing so he took m. our whole office at a glance— our files, our desk, and "copy" littering it; our Thesaurus, Men of the Time, Webster Unabridged, Chambers' Encyclopedia ; our scissors and paste, our pigeon holes ; our clippings pasted on the wall, and finally ourselves ; and we noticed that the eye was not satisfied with one bar's rest on the latter item, but came back with a lustful, hungry look as if it would have pierced our broadcloth and seen our heart of hearts. But we were inscrutable, the more so because we felt sure that the young man (he might have been only thirty — he was certainly not forty — he was m that transition state between youth and middle age m which travelled men and raeu wbo sit up o'nights remain for years) wanted to know all about us. Seeing that our heart was not upon our sleeve, he, figuratively, threw down his hand by plunging m medias res at a bound. Laying a card on our desk he gave us at the same time the information it bore, with some embellish' ments. He said, "You're the editor of this paper, Sir ? I am Mr Theodore Jackson, agent for Signor Prestissimo, the gieat thermataugist and prestidigitateur, whose fame must have readied your parts ere this. Signor Prestissimo is one of the greatest celebrities of the day — the magician of his age, and I may say of all time ; a great phenomenal ram avis amongst the new class of thinking and clever men who have devoted their - energies and talents to this line of business — the enlightenment and amusement of the world. The Signor is accompanied by Madamoiselle Pirouette, the spirvbuille dewseuse — the Cerito of the day — from all the principal London theatres ; Professor Asbestos, the only true Salamander and sword-awallower ; and Flexible Billy, the unrivalled high-kicker and saltatorial comique, whose performances . have lately astounded Europe." I said I should be happy to give his principal and company the usual preliminary announcement, and would send a reporter to notice the performance. This was evidently his cue, for he said that " the very thing he wished me to guard against was confounding Signor Prestissimo with the usual run of men who' had visited Blanktown before. The Signor had a world-wide reputation. He had played before royalty everywhere, and had been specially sent for to Windsor Castle to perform before Her Gracious Majesty— who was so universally beloved — and who had given the Signor a * From the " Vagabond," Christmas Book, H. Wise and Company, Dunedin.

memento of the interview m tho shape of a handsome watch, which would be exhibited on his arrival. Signor Prestissimo had been subsidised with enormous B\im3 to go to the Continent and to America, where he created a furore. As for the company, the highest eulogium he co-'ld pass upon them was to say that they were worthy to support so great an artist." I said that I could make no exception, and must confine myself to briefly noticing the Signor's intention to appear m the local Hall. Scarcely heeding this he pulled from one of his pockets a set of biographies, portrait 1 ?, and opinions of'the press on a broad sheet and laid them on my desk, and went on to say that, knowing how valuable the time of such journalists as shed lustre upon Blanktown must be, he had himself condensed a brief biography of his principal, who, socially as well as professionally, had had a remarkable career. This would, if inserted, he assured me, be pleasant light reading to tho constituents of the Standard. Ho flattered himself that he was capable of presenting the information m a readable shape, because, as his card would inform me, he was no novice at press work, having edited papers m several places, including Charlestown, Albany, State of Now York ; Hong Kong, Port Natal, Kamskatcha, Montreal, and tho Caribees." With this he produced a manuscript and laid it on tho table, and I weighted it down saying that I would look over it, but was mire that it was only suited for the advertising column of the paper. Then he offered, if it was too long, to cut it down to "three sticks," and this I declined too, when seeing me obdurate, he dropped the agent and taking a chair assumed an air of perfect equality and talked of other matters. He was not disgusted at his want of success ; he was not disconcerted or disheartened. He appeared as if ho had given up all. hopes of getting his cheap eulogy, and rather admired us for beiug proof to his blandishments. He said he had for some time taken an interest m tho politics of the couniry (I had seen his name m the passenger list of a ship from- a foreign country some three days before) and he was satisfied that a crisis was impending. It ■was not m the bounds of possibility that the Ministry could hold office long m the face of such crushing evidence of their incapacity and total want of self-respect and regard for the welfare of the country (the sentiments of our leading article of that morning). He had read our article, and while totally agreeing with the writer — who was evidently a roan of culture and learning — he thought he could from another point of view throw a new light upon the rapacity and unstatesmanlike conduct of the usurpers of office who disgraced the Treasury benches. T thanked him, but declined the offer as ! our editorials were invariably written by our own staff. He congratulated mo upon this, and said it was the proper course for an independent and influential paper to pursue, but he said he would be knocking about during the day, and would, if I liked, scratch out a few "locals." Only that very morning he had seen a little incident that could be well worked up into a good "par." A big brindle bull-dog with blood-red eyes aud an undershot jaw had tackled a little terrier, and had chawed him, and thrown him, and shuken him ; but tho little fellow had got him by the hind leg, and had held on till bully roared for mercy. I Baid that our readers did not caro much for descriptions of dog fights, and he agreed that that betokened respectability, though a light chatty bit of wordpainting of the kind, with a little divergence to praise British pluck, and a cut at the police for being out of tho way when wanted, and a hint that the Inspector, if unpopular, did not know his duty, might have been readable, and would have tended to draw the mind from the contemplation of the dull, prosaic realities of life, which were, as a whole, too sombre. I • said nothing, aud he did not pause long, for catching sight of a work of religious inquiry on the table, he remarked that the , tendency of the age, unfortunately, was toward scepticism. Tho rapid strides the world wa3 taking were conducive to a spirit of materialism, and it behoved ministers of the gospel to keep pace with the times, and by studying and availing themselves of the continual discoveries m all branches of the exact sciences, to be ready to confound the unbeliever and make steadfast the wavering inquirer or doubter. I disclaimed any. special sympathy with religion or' its ministers, and -he agreed that science was getting after the Bible pretty roughly. No one man enlightened age would believe m the Noahic Deluge, and that the beasts went into the ark two and two at a time liko a ladies' boardingschool, or that they ate provender instead of Noah and his crew ; and as for the cosmogony of Moses, the geologists disproved it altogether. I frowned, and he said he himself had simple faith strong enough to keep him from accepting Holy Writ except as allegorical, and not to be taken exactly as it was worded. Making no headway on this tack, ho turnedito other topics, and said ho had read the letters m the Standard and Guardian respecting the position for the new Courthouse and lock-up. Of course, he knew 1 was " Quiz," and " A Lover of Justice " •was the editor of the Guardian. He said he would like to have a cut m, as controversy was his forte, and if I could let him know sub rosa any little shortcomings of the other fellow, he would make him howl. He might have a wall-eyed aunt or a bald-headed mother-in-law, or some of his relatives might be m the fish trade. A little allusion to some wea point, with a strong hint that he was m league with a certain contractor, would shut him up, and we should have the building right against the Standard office, to the paramount benefit to this part of the town. I assured him that the letters were genuine, and came from writers m no way connected with either paper so far as I knew, aud he was glad to find journalists m Blanktown rise superior to dodges, which too often lowered the tone of the great institution m other places. He had observed, however, m looking over pur back files at the .Mechanics' Institute, that the Standard published tales occasionally, and he would be happy to supply me with one. He could dish up a little reminiscence m an attractive form— soinethiug quite sensational and quite true aud origiual. He would give one of his experiences m the South Seas, when ho was whaling. He had struck the mate over the head with a belaying pin for taking his water while chasing a humpback (he was third mate and headsman of the captain's boat at the time), and they had marooned him on on uninhabited islaud ; but he had swain over to another island, where the king received him .veil, and made a chief of him. It was all very well, and the dignity suited him, but his Royal master made him marry his three daughters and seven nieces, and his wives held views very heterodox to English notions respecting distribution of .household labor and the duties of a husband with regard to assisting his wives to make their toilet. Frizzing ten very woolly and profuse heads of

hair every morning was, he assured me, no joke, especially when one had to kill his man for tho family roast every other day or so. He thought some narrative giving an insight into life m Polynesia I not yet brought into contact with civilisa- i tion, and describing the lares and penates of a much-married captive amongst such a people, would interest the Standard's readers, and tend to increase its circulation and usefulness. If, however, science was more m our line, he could just as easily give a chatty article on the fauna and flora of Kickeryboo. By this time I •was feigning sleep, and he desisted, only ; however, to tell me how wide-spread the habit of drinking was m the country ; after which he asked me, as the most respectable men m all Australasian communities indulged m it, whether I would conform to the custom of the country, and share a "small bottle" with him. Who could refuse such a request, so well put, and by such an enterprising man? We therefore adjourned, and over the flowing bowl he completely effected the purpose he sought m visiting tho office, for the Standard that week contained a biography and glowing notice of Professor Prestissimo, who had played before Queen Victoria, the Emperors of Russia, France, and Germany, the Bey of Algiers, and the Isthmus of Panama.