THE LAND OF BOHEMIA. MORE REMINISCENCES BY "SWEARS."

Taranaki Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 11581, 13 October 1900, Page 3 (Supplement)

THE LAND OF BOHEMIA. MORE REMINISCENCES BY "SWEARS."

TALL TALES.

la reviewing in the Sporting Times the most literary effusion of the famous " Swears" (Ernest Wells), the ''Master" of the ' Pink ' fjn' remarks ingenuously that it is not perhaps quite the volume for a young lady's psrlor table. 1 i agree with Mr Corlett. If I wished to ! madden my mother and frighten my I maiden aunts into fits, I should leave : Chestnuts,' by Ernest Wells, lying about on our sacrosanct bookshelf. The truth is Mr Wells has gone a good deal : further than he did with Mr Binstead in the better " tinkered" ' Pink 'Un nnd I the Pelican.' His jokes are a trifla I broad, and his financial expedients oc- i casionally pass pure fun. And yet v- ho i can help smiling at the fallowing delectable yam of UNSPEAKABLE IMPUDENCE. On the first day of tho trial trip to Brighton of coaches and motor cars 1 chanced to be standing opposite to the Hotel Metropole in Northumberland avenue. I forgot what, hal brought me, but there I was. Noticing a sort of gathering of the clans, and bning far too modest to think that I was the central object of intarest. I qnestioned one of the bystanders, in the absence of the policeman, who ought t> have been present to. answer inquiries. " What does all this crowd m.'an ?"' " Oh," was the reply, "it is to witness the start of the motor cars to Brighton." At that moment a conpie of friends approached, and one of them want d to know what I wag up to, the other remarking that they had come to see the start. j "We should hnve liked to join the j excursion," said number one, lk but we I could not find a ticket." I " What do you mean ?" said I. '* Oh," said they. " there is a breakfast here at the Metropole, and coaches are going down to Brighton ; wo should like to be on in that eceno." I thought a bit, and then I said : " Would you really like to go ?' i They said " Certainly." • I rejoined : " You come along with me, and if y.ra have got no tickets, never mind." With that I dived into the front entrance of the Metropole, and inquired where the broakfa3t was to take plnce. Then, turning to my companions (ono of whom was a millionaire and the other a Pink 'Un),'l said, just for the fun of the thing : " Look here, I will tnke you five ponncis to one it shnil only cost us a i shilling to see all tbero is to be seen , ' and be banqueted into the barg.un. And I give you my word I don't know a soul connected with the show." My millionaire friend was as ready as a blackbird is at a ripe cheevy or n thrust at an early worm . " That is a bet, 'S, wears,' " he exclaimed. I " Right !" I said. " Now, you do j what I do." I then remarked in my sweetest and most persuasive manner, apeakiug at large . I "fa this the way to the banqueting | hall ?" " Yes, sir ; yep, sir, it i"," said the attendant commissionaire, with alacrity. " 8o !" I remarked, turniDg my head over my shoulder to my friends, who were anxionly looking on. " Lnto again ! always late 1" The commissionaires evidently took me for a personage seriously interested in the motor car campaign, and I a*id ,my friends entered. In fact, we were j obsequiously ushered in. | Hnvine: seated ourselves nt the pn<! ' of the talile, I summoned the waiter, an<l demanded a copy of the menu.

The' waiter was as aiacli impressed as the commissionaire had been. He took me nndor his special care. We had a very good breakfast indeed, and the Moet and Chandon, '89, Cuvee, '36. was •■• to rights." Yes, the breakfast and we agreed perfectly, bat how were we going down ? On that subject my frieods w^re especially carious. I <?ot tip from the cable and went round to where the chairman was sitting. I and I thought, as my friends were curi- , ous as to how we wera to take tbe road, I that w»b the right moment for gratifying their cariousity. I fired the question into the president's private oar : " How would you like us to go v ?" He was politeness personified. Ho could not have been nicer if he had been a six-to-four on the field merchant collecting " a bit of old." He said : " Would you like to go on a motor \or in my coach ? ' Having neither been to Brighton on a motor nor had the delight of coaching; tbithei with dear old Jim Selby handling the " ribbons," I replied : " Well, suppose we go by coach ?" The chairman rejoined : " Do, and when wo stop al Reigate for lunch you can, if you like, get on board ono of tho motor cars." I thanked him effusively, and asked him to be good enough to give us cards for seats on the coacb, which he thereupon did. I returned to my friends and said : •' Now, if you have quite done eating and drinking,' perhaps you will follow me." I suggested' to my millionaire friend j tliai he should take a box seat, bnt'he declined, afraid of being lonely, and said : " NV>, lot us sit toother." I showed the coaeiuorm our cards, and we took the allotted Beats. W« were more fortunate than a number of J gentleman who came foiward lo claim their seats and found them occupied. A* length the flag fell, and our coach led the way. For some time I personally f»lt all <.v»r like a sort of H.R H, , especially when the coach was cheered !>y the populace and we bowed and remove.! our hats The ji>uiney to Reigatp, so far as we were concerned, was devoid of interest and we thanked our stars we hai chosen the coach. Several of the motor cars had not the same manners as the hoi?es we were drivjng, as they wanted zo go opposite ways, and a lot of them broke down at Brixton. However we arrived at Reigato all rght, and, alighting, went into the good Old Bear. I asked the waiter, in my most pattician manner, the way to the luncheon room. " Are wn right for the luncheon 2" were my words. " Oh, no, eir ; not that room. Tins way, please. Your special lunch is in a private room." Wo followed our meek and lowly guide, and sat down once more to a sumptuous spread. After enjoying an excellent "repast with superior wine, enlivened with epiGjramp, in which the remark of the millionaire — "Of all the cheek "n the world this takes the buzzard"' — was piominent, the door was opemed, and the party for whom the luncheon had been specially provided walked into tbe room, evidently astounded at perceiving tho apartment already occupied. I aaid: v Sit down, gentlemen. This is a most excellent luncheon they have provided for üb, but I am afraid we have . not done just justice to it, having preI viously had such a capital breakfast in j town." t They sat down without a word, and I ' did not think it necessary to waifc nntil a reply was forthcoming. It was time, as I suggested to my friends, to consider whether we should motor to Brighton or reoccupy the coach. The coach won it. So we duly restored ourselves to our scats, and asked the coachman if ho was ready. I al=o suggested that, as one or two of the passengers had not come from lunch, they evidently intended to travel by motor. I tlfought it was time to be off. He agreed, and so, with a Hey ! Hey ! Hey I the brake was released, away we went, The entertainment which the road afforded consisted in watching bicycles hurrying along, the motor cars stopping — they were good at that ; in fact, one of them stopped the coach to ask if wo could not let them have some matches — varied with an occasional drink at tho different change houses, until wo arrived at Brighton without any mishap about the hoar of sevep. We thanked the good coachman and the guide for our pkasant journey, and got off at tho Brighton Metropole, where I enquired of the hotel porter if any motor cars had arrived.

He replied : " I thiak two, s.r ; but it* odds on the old-fashioned coaci." I added : "Is there anything on when they arrive 7" He said : ''"Oh, yes ; there's a big feed in the biuqueting hall." I asked if he could send- anpone to tako us there, ami this was tho only shilling' tip I carte <l with, aad w<* strolled into the place whore diniur wa^ to be hold aid speeches delivered as to the future of motor versus horseflesh. I asked the attendant where the wa3hnp plao was, and then af er ablations, I suggested t'» my friends, sine? we were well in in, it was good business to' join tho banq.ieteri, in case of accidents. We thereupon wandered into the reception room, an.i were well met by many j familiar fucea, which made ua feel quite , at home. The gong sounded for dinner. We had a magnificent repast, occasionally ( interrupted by sueeches from gentlemen who evidently had a liberal idea of how much th^y wer* going to ask the. public to subscribe, when, looking at my watch, I found it w,\o nearly ten . I asketi the qentlem in in ilv* chair at the bottom of j out tabl; whether there was any special j motor car train back to town. Ho said there was, but we must be moving, as it left Brighton at tan. '•' I believe," he added, " there is a bus outside for thoso who are for town." We hurried oil and got to the station, when my friend the millionaire insulted me, as I thought, with the question : . " What about our tickets ? You ' muy bluff them at the hotel, but you cannot come it here." I remained dumb, but dignified. | " Are we in time ?"' I said to the ticket collector. '• I mean for the motor car special ? lam afraid 1 have lost it. Thpse are my two friends ?" All this was said en tho rush. They kept, close to me, you bet. We took " the barrier' in our stride, and were presently seated in a Pullman. The millionaire said : '• ' Swears,' we shall get into troab'.e here. I feel it." I said : " I feel nothing, excapt that we are not being treated properly," and thereupon I ran the bell. The attendant of tbe car responded, and I said with severity : " Surely to goodness they have not foreotten to pnt the drinks in." He said : l< No, sir ; what will you take ,?' My friends for the moment resssuied, and I myself refreshed, I began to talk with the other gentlemen about what they thought of the motor cars they had seen on the road to Brighton., Wha*' was their opinion I never knew, for at that moment the engine's top no^o sounded, and we were on our road to town. Enter the guard to collect the tickets. It would have made you roar had you seen the blank faces of my two friends. However, there was a lot of tickets to collect before the man catno us, and I awaited developments. Another passenger was in the same fix. Th - s was joy — aud ray opportunity. I immediately went np ' to the guard with the air of one in authority, and in my most impressive manner said : " This trip has cost us from the first to lost an enormous sum of money, and we cannot have nny intruders. Those persons who have not been provided with J the right tickets have got to pay.' Touching his hat the gnard said : J " Your orders, sir, shall be carried out," Tho gentleman paid for 'us ticket, and the guard, having collected all round, accosted my dismal-looking friends . I said ; " All right ! These gentleman are with me." To their relief the guard then left the car. Ta mv relinf the sufferer who had paid for 'his ticket found it in the lining of his hat. ' I apologised for having doubted him, called the guarJ, and saw the mouey refunded. We arrived in town without any farther adventure, and, leaving the train, repaired to refresh, at Victoria station . I looked at my millionaire friend and said : " I fcbiuk I have won my wager ; kindly part." He parted, saying : " Of all the ioatg of audacity I ever witnessed, this takes it. ' Mrs S 'nitb : My husband has been enjoying vtry poor health of late. Mrs Brown : How forluaate that he can enjoy it. Very few people do.