FUNNY "CUTTINGS.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 11727, 20 January 1900, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUNNY CUTTINGS.

CABBY KNOWS HIS FARE.

, A well-known alderman recently took a cab to his residence, /which;- is near a cemetery, and offered the ,mah eighteenpeoce, which was just his legal faie, and no more. Cabby looked at tbe coins, slowly deposited them in bis pockft, and said, pointing to his horse : — " D'ye see that little white 'oss with the short tail?" "Ye*;' said the alderman, rather puzz'ed ; '• what of him ?" " Oh, nothing ; only I hopes as the next* time you're brought here it'll be by a black boss with a long tail ! "Kvenin/ sir."

REPORTER STORIES.

ii f r VI ichael Mac Donaajn contributes a diverting article on the new-paper reporter, his waya and his public Three good th'ngs— two' of them Irish — may b*■ quoted, though they are not necessarily new : — I have read in a description of a shower of rain in an Irish newspaper the following delicious sentence : " The heavy rain drops varied in size from a shilling to eight^enpence.^ A boy w-is found dead, hanging from a rop^ in a room of tbe house in which h'J lived ia a provincial town. The repoitcr thus finished up his accoant of the affair :—": — " It is believed that the deceased put the rope round his neck as a joke, and found, when too late (hat he had made a fatal mistake.'' A young report' r was sent ta describe *' a penny reading" in Dublin. " On the whole/ he wrete, "ihe en'tertainrnent was the most mirthprovoking and sjul-stming that could be bad for the money."

' A PAIR OP BULLS.

A very aWn> minded German professor named Johannes Amer lately died at Vieum, and the following aie specimens of his lvmarkable bulls : "Julius Cscjiir, disguised as a slave, swam naked across the Tiber." "Coveted with innumerable wounds, Caesar fell dead near Pom pey's statue. With one h<md he covered his face with his to?a, and with the other he caled for help."

A HUNGRY ENTHUSIAST.

T?dwin (as they reached the summit of the mountain Hfter a long climb) — "Ah.! we are here at last. I What, a masnificent vi-w! At such a time and place I feel strange sensations — an indefinable longing, a soul craving, as it wer-*, which " Angelina — " My dear fl'dwin, what I you want is a sandwich." J

SUSPICIOUS SECRETIVEN^SS. I

■ The Young Wife. I am afraid George was intoxicated last night The Sympathizing Friend. He tlidn't go to bed with his shoes on, did ha ? No ; hut he took them off and tucked them under his pillow.

TOO C LD.

John, what arc you going to do ? I am going to hitch the horse to the sleish and drive him over to the park and back, be needs exercise. Aren't you troingj 1o church? No ; it's too cold.

AN OBSERVING OFFICIAL. J

Citizen (breathlessly) — Is Snapshot guilty ? Conrt Officer — I don't know. Jury still out ? No. Jury's in. Disagree ? > They agreed. Eh? Gave a verdict? Yes. Well, what was the verdict ? Guilty Why in creation didn't you say so in the fir-t place ? Say what ? ! Guilty. You didn't ask me what ihe jury thought about it. You asked me if the man was euilty — a different thing a'together.

RRVOKTINU PROGRESS.

Police Captain. — Did you c.atch that murderer lust night? Detective. — No ; but I dreamt that I had a clew. '

A SCHEME THAT WORKED. I

Then (I yon absolutely ref nse to allow your, daughtjsr'to 1 marry me 'i , I positively, dp ! .roared, jhe, father. Urn ! I expected as much, niurmure,d.thejyoung man, a 8 -hei .edged toward v the -floor. .1 merely, went through the formality of asking you in order to avoid the possibility for breach of promise* " ' •

A GOLDEN OPfORTUNITY.

I'll wager something handsome that the Rev. , Dr. jfilger wishes he hadn't gone away ,on his jmnimer vacation and left his parish in, charge of young Psalmson., , , t , , What did young, Psalmson do ? Married the richest widow in the I church, and sWs pi'omised to set him up in a parish of his own. j

A STOUT WIF.K, ANSWERED. I

She. Do you remember how you ' used to put your arm arouhd my wais', when we were engage, ten yesrsago? You never do so now. He No; my arm has not grown : any longer. t r

FABLE OF THE TAXES. !

Once upon a time an American taunted an ling'ishman. How can you endure to be>rtaxed to support your idle nobility? exclaimed the American warmly. Then tbe American paid BcMs a ton foivim coal in order that the directors, of the trust might procure dukra and things for sons-in .laiv. i his fable teachers that there are almost a» many ways of paying taxes as of dodging the same.

A POLITE MAN.

The Bystander. What are you taking off your hat for ? The Man at the 'Phone. I'm talking to a lady.

A fountaia in Buckingham Palace spouts eau de cologne. Over 1,000 vessels cross the Atlantic Ocean every month. la India some of the bats measure six feet across the wings. A five-cent barber in Kensington, Pa., advertises his work at "cut rates." Polo players in Paris find the tricycle an excellent substitute for the horse while they are engaged in the lively game. A raw recruit of the Second New Jersey Volunteer?, at Jacksonville, was put on fake guard duty by some wags. He was directed to watch the red light on the top of the city water tower, two miles away, for three hoars, to see if it turned green. If so, he runsfc instantly rouse tbe camp, as the green light would indicate that a Spanish spy was in town. The little town of Vasso, Sweden, has a female fire brigade. It is composed of 150 women, who stand in two lines stretching from a lake to four big: tabs. One line passes fall buckets of water to the tubs, and the other line returns the empty oues. Books used by the blind are very expensive. Most of them cost about four dollars each. The Bible, in raised letters, is comprised of forcy thick" volumes, the price of which is twenty - five dollars ior the set. ' This ia an exceptionally low price, because the Bible seems to give more solace to the blind than any other book. A goat, with a paper tag on its neck, [to show its destination, was brought to a Louisville express office by a darky to be shipped. On its route tbe animal ate a part of the tag. tl Where is the goat to go ?" inquired the express clerk. The darky examined the half-devoured tag, and answered. " Da goat does not know himself ; he's gone eat up the town." Mrs N. Burger, an old woman of Bollefonte, Pennyslvania, whose age is said to be 107. is the widow and mother of heroes. Her husband fell fighting on Commodore Perry's flagship, on Lake Erie, in the war of 1812 ; two of her sons were killed at the Battle of Antiptato, and hor great grandson is a member of tbe Fifth Pennsylvania Volunteers, at Ohickamauga. A brave man will be brave even in the hour of defeat, says an American paper. * Among the Spanish prisoners rescued at Santiago by the lowa was Lieutenant Luis Fajardo Pinzou, of the battleship Vizcaya. His left arm was shattered. With slight assistance |he crept up the ladder leading to the lowa's deck, and there, proudly drawing himself erect at attention, he saluted the victorious officers with his right hand, while his injured arm hong useless at his side.