Sayings and Doings OF OUR NEIGHBOURS IN LITTLE MUDFLAT, AS RELATED BY SILAS URBAN.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 9756, 22 July 1893, Page 1 (Supplement)

Sayings and Doings OF OUR NEIGHBOURS IN LITTLE MUDFLAT, AS RELATED BY SILAS URBAN.

No, 18. — BaUerwick's wife-Alwaye going to auctions — Her purchases— Barnes, our sohoolmaster — How he taught Uoman history.

BdtTßßwick naid to me, the other day, in alluding to biß wifo, " she's an uncommon fine .woman about most things ; loves her childten, makes splendid' pies, don't fdol any with any of those fan dandling waya women have of fixing their hair, and she's an angel for temper; but air: 'a the awfulest woman foe going to auotiona I ever see. I pledge yon my word she's filled my house with the wildest mess of track yon ever came across ontside a moßenra of nataral cariosities, and spent more money for old dilapidated wrecks that wouldn't be allowed in the cellar of a poor-honse than'd pay the national debt. It's a positive faot. " Why, you know Blootofields that sold oat the othsr day ? Well, sir, Bhe. went to that sale, and just bid away as reokless as if she was baying diamonds. Absolutely came home with a wagon -load of things —from German silver teapots without any lids 'or handles, ths fiont posts of a bedstead and, three slats, a couple of chnrns, and fourteen eecond-hand snnbonnete, and a lot more mournful refuse like that.. Said she didn't intend to bay, bat she bid on it to ran it up to help Mrs Bloomfiold, and the auctioneer knocked it down to her quicker'n a wink. Said it was " Lot 27," and she had to take it all. And 'she said she (nought maybe she could out op those eunbonnetß into bibs for the twins, and nee the teapots for preserves. She thoaght aiaybe'she might make a pretty fair bedstead out of the posts by propping the other end up on a chair ; and she said it was a luoky thing she wbb so forehanded as tC; get thqse churns, because some time she 'plight have a cow knooked down to her, and then she would be all ready for it. More'n likely she'll buy up some old steer, and fetch him borne nnder the impression it's a cow. Ton can't oount on her when she's got the fever on her. " Why, when Paxtons had their iale, in May, she was around there, of oonrse, and came home after dinner with the usual dismembered furniture, and when I said to her, 'Louisa, why under heaven did you bid in that mad-dredge and a sausageatuffer?' Bhe said she thought the eausageetoffer would do for a cannon for the bpyß on the Queen's birthday, and there was no telling whether Charley wonldn't want to be a oivil engineer when he grew up, and maybe he'd get a contract for deepening the channel into the harbour, and then he'd rise np and bless the mother whose ■ prudent foresight had bought a< mud-dredge for eight shillings and saved' it up for him. I sold that scoop on Wednesday, for old iron, for sixpence, and I'll bang the. head off of Charley if he ever goes to dredging mud or playing cannon ivith the saußagestaffer. I won't have my boys carrying on like she does. " Over there at Partridge's sale, I believe she'd 'a bid on the whole concern if I hadn't pome in while she was a going it. And as it was she bought an aneroid barometer, eight dozen iron skewers, a eaokintr bottom, and four volumes of JSliea Cook's poems. Said she thoaght thoee poems were some Rind of cookery books, or she wouldn't a bid on them, and the barometer 'd be valuable to tell as which was north. North, mind you 1 Bhe thoaght a barometer was to tell the points of the compass. And yet they want to let women vote. I threw in those skewers along with the mud-dredge, and she's used tke sacking bottom twice to patch Charley's pants, and that's all the good we evet got oat of that auction. "But she don't care for utility. It's Binply a mania for buyiug things. Why we haven't a stove in the houce since tho furnaces were pat in, and yet what does she do at Murphy's sale bat bid on sixtyfoar feet and three elbows of the rustiest stovepipe you ever saw, and cart it home with four debilitated gingham umbrellas with half the ribs lame and only two handles in the lot ; actually brought them home, and then bad the face to argue with me that the umbrellas were a bargain, becasuo by putting on new covers and

handles, and a few extra ribs, We could give them as Cnristams presents to her aunts ; and the stovepipe cquld be put around th^ peach trees to keep the cows off. How in thunder she was ever going ts get it round a peaoh tree never crossed her mind. Just as impracticable as . a baby! s " I know when Bailey had the auction at bis house she was there, cf poarse, and bidding; nway' 1 at everything. So", sure enough, what did she oome booming home with that afternoon bat Bailey's pollparrot, a ciroular saw, an aooordion that had the bowels out, bo it wouldn't play, and eight boxes of envelopes with direotions printed on the back to "A 0. MurchJßon, Wideawake Flit.'? It amuse* . me. She wanted to use that circular saw at a dinner-gong,-bnt it was cracked, and now she use's, it asa griddle -for muffins. That poll-parrot Bailey" had taught to swear, so that I was afraid it 'd demoralise the twins, so I don't mind telling you in confidence that 1 killed it by patting bugpoison in a water craoker ; and when I growled about those envelopes she begaa to cry, and asked me how I knew Oharley wouldn't fall in love with some girl at Wideawake Flat named A. 0. Marchison, and want io write to.her frequently, ana then those envelopes would come into pluv. I think she was rather in favor of shipping Charley off to Wideawake Flat to hunt up some girlbf that name, so she really could fall in love with her and utilise those envelopes. Bat she abandoned the idea. finally. 01 she's phenomenal.; " Now I see ' there's an auotion advertised for Friday at Peters's ; and peters has got a pyramid of old tomato caas piled np in his back yard. Now you see if that woman don't bid on those cans till she runs them np to a orown apiece, and then oome lugging them around to our house wiih some extraordinary idea about loading them up with gunpowder and selling them to the government during the next war as bombshells.- If she does— if she buys those cans, mind yon, I'm going to resign. I'm going to quit before I'm' bankrupt I'm a' good-natured moo, but no woman shall bring home 300 tomato cans to my house and retain acclaim upon my affections." Barnes, our schoolmaster/ read' in the Educational Monthly that boys could be taught history better than in any other way by letting each boy in the class represent some historical character, and relate the acts of that character as if he had done them himself. . This struck Barnes as being a mighty good idea, and he resolved to try it on. The ■ school had then progressed so far in its study of the history of Borne aa the Fnnio wars, and Mr Barnes immediately divided the boys in Co two parties, , one Romans, and the other Oarthagehiahs, and certain of the boys were named after the leaders upon' both sides. All the boys thought it was a big thing, and Barnes noticed that they were so anxions to get to the bktory lesson that they could hardly say their other lessons properly. When the time came, Barnes ranged the Romans upon one side of the room, and the Carthagenisns on the other. The recitation was vary spirited , each party telling about its deeds •with extraordinary nnotion. After a while Barnes asked a Roman to describe the battle of Cannes. Whereupon the Romans heaved their copies of Way land's Moral Science at the enemy. Then the Carthageni3nu made a battering ram out of a bench and jammed it in among the Romans, who retaliated wi^h a volley of books, slates, and chewed paper balls. Barnes concluded that the battle,of Canntt had been- sufficiently illustrated,' aa3 he tried to stop it ; but the warriors considered it tod good a' thing to let drop, and accordingly the Garthagenians sailed over to the Romans with another battering ram and thumped a couplb of them in the Btomaoh Then the Romans tamed in and the fight became, general. A Cartbageniaa would grasp a Roman by the hair and hustle him around over the desks in a manner that Was simply frightful to behold, and a Roman would give a fiendish whoop and knook a Carthagenian over the bead with Greenloaf's Arithmetic. Hannibal got the head of Soipio Africanas under his arm, and Scipio, in his efforts to break away, stumblod, and the two generals fell and had a rough-and-tumble fight under the blackboard. Calas Gracchus tackled Hamlioar with a ruler, and the latter in his struggles to got loose fell agaitißt the stove and knooked down about 30 feet of stove pipe. Thereupon the Romaus made a errand rally, ana ia five minutes they ran the entire Oarthngenian army out of the school-room and Barnes along with it, and then they looked the door and be,gftn to hunt ap the upple'B and lauch in the desks of the enemy. After consuming the supplies they went to the windowa and muria disagreeable re : arks to the Cartbageuians who were sunding in the yard, and dared old Barnes td bring the foe once more into battle array. Then Barnes went for a policeman, and when he knooked at the door it was opened, and all the Romans were found busy studying their lessons. When Barnes i came in With tho defeated troops he went

for Scipio Afnoauus, and pulling him out of I.iß seat by the ear he thrashed that great military genius ■ with a rattan until Scipio began to ory, .whereupon Barnes dropped him and began to paddle Galas Graoehue. Then things Battled down in the old way, and next morning Barnes announced that history in the future would be studitid as it always bad been ; and he f wrot9anote to the .Educational to* say that in his opinion the man who suggested the new system ought to be led oat and shot. The boys do not now take; as much interest in Roman history as they did on' that day.

[TO BE CONTINUE]?.]'