AS YOU LIKE IT.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XL, Issue 9085, 18 May 1891, Page 4

AS YOU LIKE IT.

> Tfjfc .average, editor wears no diamonds. P**j£ is good enough for him. ; • \ W«£Y ii a man roused out of his sleep like .a 3jlk"feat in a atom ?— Because his nap is distigfand. " The best way ,to improve a woman's lot Js^totfuild a betoseonit. and put a good < mania tl?e houMe. Ru.R#t%Ho§PiTALrTY.— " Do take some m(Ses v*ejgablesr^«r Jones, for they go to the pjgs anyhow:" Hqulseklepbr :." I regret to say, sir; that youflson and the cfcok have eloped." -Rich ol<i^>|rty : " Thunderation. Th«n we shan't l»V«^ /! dipner." ,->* 3 "^OHN^you are not listening to a word I am sa"yingj" ." Why, my; 'dear' Angelina, I ' am aß ears !" "I^know you are, and that 'makejjsif'all the more provoking." iju/H^DiuvEß.— " Shure, that is the Cus-tom-Mouse, sorr. ' But it's only the rare ay it you'll be seeing this side, sorr. /The front's.behind." Sunday-school Teacher (to the bright boy of the class) — " Johnny, how did Elijah die?" Johnny— "He didn't die. ! He v?as translated from the original j .Hebrew." ' * An unsuccessful vocalist went to the poorI house,' : and delighted the inmates with his singing. He said it was a natural thing for him to do, as Tied been singing to poor houses eyer since he began his career. 1 A minister's son once said to his father — "Pa, St. Paul was a Yankee." " How so, my son?" "Why, in Romans, Bth chapter, and 18th verse, he says, 'For I reckon,' and none but Yankees ever reckon." " Look here, Pete," said a darkey to his companion, "don't stan' on de railroad." "Why, Joe?" "Kase if de cars seedat mouf of yourn dey will tinkit am de station, an' run right in." How to do it. — Some men must have a quarter of a column to express a well-defined idca^when writing for a newspaper, but it is astonishing how concise they can make an advertisement that costs a shilling a line. Tommy: "I bought this dog to make money'out of him." Sister's beau : "How is that?" Tommy: "I expect that you will " give me a dime for tying him up every time you come to see my sister. He's awful savage." Doctor: "Your blood is deficient in quality, Mr. Jones. What you need is more iron in the system." Mr. Jones: "That can't be doctor. I have stepped on at least twenty-two tacks with my bare feet since house-cleaning began." Wasted Energies. — It is -not good policy always to take things for granted. After spending an hour at drilling at a safe door in Newark, a burglar was frightened away. The men who.frightened him off discovered that the safe door had not beenlocked at all. " Cheap Experience. — " Experience may be a dear teacher," remarked a minister as the contribution-box was returning to him empty, "but the members of this particular flock who have experienced religion have accomplished it at a trifling cost." Not Fajr. — Mrs. Potts : " Just, to think of talking to me in such a style. Jfou, who used to swear I was an angel." Mr. Potts: *• Look here, my dear, that isn't fair ; you know it isn't. What is the use of twitting a man about the lies he told fifteen years

ago?" u J 4 > v i -Inconsistent* — " Will," said Mrs. Drury ■ to her husband, after his return from a fishJ ing trip, "you ought -to spend an hour or - two with the fisherman .-and get some hints about the' different kinds of fish." " Er— v what for ?" 'demanded.Will. "It looks in. consistent, that's all, to bring home mackerel, when you've been fishing up the river." !Tis True, and Pity 'tis 'tis -True. — Here is a graphic description of a fishing, excursion :— r" Went off Saturday noon for a half-day of jßshing. Returned late at night', having walked thirteen miles, lost a /15 watch, sprained my thumb, spoiled a thirtyshilling .pair of trousers by sitting down on my luncheon, and caught a one-ounce' trout." Consideration for the Cloth. — A circular has been sent to very many American clergymen by a-New York wine-firm, setting forth -the merits of its wines and liquors, with prices by the case, &c. The end of the 1 circular rea^ls — " N.B. — To avoid suspicion, ©very case sent you wilH>e marked, • Canned peaches.'" ' Pals. — Oh President Lincoln's first visit to a house of correction, an old criminal, looking through the bars of his cell, remarked — " Well, Mr Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons ; we've seen all there are in the country." ■ " Why, this is the first one I ever visited," said Mr Lincoln ; to which the criminal promptly responded — " But I've been in all the rest 1" !

New at the Business. — A married couple were promenading in the suburbs. Presently'the wife said— "Think, Albert," if the brigands should come now, and take me from you!" " Impossible! my dear." "But supposing they did come and carry me , away, ; what would you, say?" "I should say," ". replied the husband, " tbaf the brigands wefre new at the business. That's

all." t t ; ' Rather WARM.-rFirst Lady (behind a tall haf- at- the theatre) : "Rather out of style, isn't it?!' Second Lady (in a loud ' whisper) : " Yes, they were wearing hats like that in Paris when I was, there two years ago." "Yes, I thought it was about that old.' What flimsy material it is made 0f.". ; " Horribly cheap. I saw that ima window of » second-hand store marked " Lady in front (to companion) : "It's so ' dreadfully warm here I shall have to take off my hat." - A New . Way of Excruciating a Husband. — A lady whose husband had' a very small foot, of which he was extremely proud, encouraged his vanity, so that every time he bought tighter and tighter shoes. It was excruciating to him to go about in them, but he would not confess it. • How«ver, when he reached home in the evening his slippers were such a welcome relief that it was a difficult-matter to get him to go out after dinner. F;rom a great club man he Iwcame noted for his domestic habits. His ■wife smiled, but said nothing. Coleridge and the Jew. — Coleridge ;-says :— Once I sat in a coach opposite a Jew, ■a symbol of old plothes-bags, an Jsafah of Holy-well St. He would close the window ; I opened it. He closed it again, upon which, in a very solemn tone, I said to him — " Son of Abraham, thou smellest ! Son of Isaac, 'thou art offensive ! Son of Jacob,' thou - stirikest foully f See the man in the moon ! :he is holding his nose at that distance. ■'Dost thou think that I, sitting here, can enjdure.it any longer?" My Jew was as•tonished, opened the window forthwith ihimself, and said he was sorry that he did mot know before' l was so great a gentleman. A Strange Disease. — A short time since|a of amateur musicians in a country -•town made an effort to organise an orchestra. They were successful in procuring all the they desired except an ophicleide iplayer. One of the number finally volunteered to take up the instrument and try to .-.learn it. He had no ophicleide, but, hearing ''that he could probably borrow one from a young man in the place who was thought to own one, 'he met him' in the street one day and accosted him with, " How are you, Brown? I heard you had an ophicleide." Brown looked at him in utter amazement, having probably never heard of such an i 'instrument before, .and stammered out, i"Well, I — I — was ill about two weeks ago, but I don't think I had that 1" .^o^iu^