Fun And Fancy.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XL, Issue 8973, 5 January 1891, Page 4

Fun And Fancy.

"A significant inscription in SWesfefn 6emetery—" The e<Htor wai£n." , , , A good constitution is like a money-box, the valaeJs.noUinown till ituis broken. 1 Chicago ' is j'intending to^l^uild a Burna? statue, doubtless' in : commemoration of .tiJo.i big fire., , , • .■.-;■• It is curious how nmdh faster .an omnibus goes wfcea you 'are tunnSnglafter. than tt does whan you are in it. '" ' _ " ' The next worst 'Qx&g to having a poor re* F lation ,who borrows inqney of ypu is to have a rich one who will never lend you any. * , 'Enfant terrib'le— " And did" they, gointo the .ark' two by two ?" . MainmoA-" Yes, dearest!" Enfant Terrible— " Well, who' Vent innwith auhtie?"' - • ' ' - ' ; ■» ; \ A physician showed a friend a recent purohase'that he had-made in the way of a skele,ton. ." Very interesting; One of your pa* doctor?" _ , '{■*'. \„- ,' :^if your laugh ia load it ,1s low- * But tt it ?• low it is not loud. The English- language is arfine structure, but ' wlien *jwb - havej% tallr • straight logio, we generally; Use': Greefc<pnrselves.* ' ''■ ,?Z~ >~" j~ ■ '«* There may bo neither-rbyme nor-j^try I in mathematioa," remarkedrithehigh^^iooj -girl, "but the science is 'nbtftjttite. devoid of rhythm." ' «! What do you m|aii!"|>al?ed h^r papa. '^Logarithms." ' ■"*"?(■*■ J Mrs. Bretella — " Aren't you laced, awfullytight, Annabel ?" Miss Bretella^-i 111 1 may be a little, ma, but I am snro Mriifiawdurfi will propose to-night, and he has ah awfully short arm." ■ ' : "" ' - : •Boscius— "Ah, I.sawyou at ouif theatri , cals the other night. How did yjoo Uke mj assumption- of Hamlot ?" . Cand.id.l f riend~ ;*\The greatest piece of assumption I evei •saw." , ' "'• '-' ■ "Jennings ie no judge .of beauty, I .* ;fiaifl T>fi Perkins. •• I don't know abo;ut that 1 ," said < ,hi 3 friend. 4t Well, I do," replied]B;e Pcf • ! kins/ ■ "He's" going to marry/the girl whi. jilted me." ' :-, ";'j — "Butthe trousers are too Jong.f ■ 1 Tailor—" Too long ?" Dey vosit6t^.t4 man | • exzekly your size. If your legaJfa^JMn to be a drifle short, you- must quwrel^nSt nature not de tailor.- • * Householder — •• See here, I could have pni j in a new pipe for" the price you charged for mending that leak." Plumber (with -an injured air) — "Well, if you' preferred a new pipe .why didn't you say so ?" Loolwat — " You'have plenty of impudence, 1 Johnson, to steal my chickens, and .then try to sell them to me." " Why, I tliort you'd pay more for fowls you reared yourself, ye'r honner. You'd know what you were buying 1 then." ' ' • • ' 1 " Good morning, Mrs. Finnegan. They tould me yees was rale sick." " Vis, Mrs. Mulroony." " An' hrow do yees feel now ?" " Oh, I'm quite well again." . If That's rale mane uv yees, Mrs. Pinnegan, ah* I've come a mile to see yees.". t ; : f Stage-struck lady (anxiously) — " Isnt the expression rather sad ?" Lithographic artist—" You vos going to take dot Migado on der.road aintit?" Stage-struck lady — "Ye 3." Lithographic artist — "Veil, dot portrait vill be yust like you in tree veeks." ■ . ' Mistress-^" I am so sofry-ypur,, brother is ill.' What does the telegram sa"y?" " Bridget —"Not much, mum. But it's the tillygruni what makes me think he's dyin'. ' His handwritin'is that changed, I'd nivev know it at aUI" . In England young men speak of their father as .'the governor,' 'pater,"the overseer, 1 &c. In America, they say ' dad,' ' the boss,' or 'the old man.' In heathen countries they say ' father,' but they are a good way behind the age.. Hotel proprietor — "What is the matter with that sick gentleman in my office V Doctor — " Jimjams." " Sir, that gentleman is \ one of my oldest guests, and has the most expensive apartments in the house." ;" Oh, he is suffering from nervous prostration, my dear sir." Simonstern (the auctioneer) — "Here I haf a chenuine dimont ring, vort tree hundet and feefty tollar. . Er viddo ohf ,er mahn vot died sudden has godder sell it.- How" mooch am I offered?" Customer— '.' Ten cents." "Veil, dakeid avay den. ' Pay adder desk." Ghakey, bring up der next lot." Mrs. Quiver, waking in the night—" John, I'm sure there's burglars in "the house." " Well, let üm burgle." "Oh, John, didn't you promise at tho altar to protect me ?" •^Well, didn't you promise to obey me, Mrs. Quiver?"- ' --- " Mrs. Bafferty, what has become of your neice ?" " Och, share, she'B done well wid herself. She married a lord." " Nonsense 1 An English lord ?" " No. I don't think he is an English lord. He's a landlord. He •keeps a hotel." > . - ."> :- ' • ' First Saleslady — " Marie." Second Saleslady — ;"Yes, lam here." First Saleslady— "" Are you busy V" Second Saleslady—" Yes." Z.''irst Saleslady — " Where is the other sales^ lady?" Second saleslady — "She has not come in yet. What do you want her for ?'? First saleslady— *H want somebody to go and ask the lady cashier if she can change a £5 note for a woman." ' ' : - *?.Oh, Saidie;!';gnshed ,Mamie, meeting her friend in the Btreet, : H;a do^en of us girl^have organised- tf Browning r j&vutfi joid you^'must come to ova next meeting.* 'It is perfectly lovely." •'•'? WHat particular ppeins) nave yoii read?" "We liave riot read any yet. We've only .net once,<and ' then we 'talked ail - the evening about Laura "Dunvere, who is'going to marry Jack Bullion next week, you know, f said Mamie. ■- ■;. The famous Lord Eldon bad occasion to discharge a coach/nan whom he suspected of purloining, his corn. In a few days after, hereceived 9, letter from a. merchant inquiring into the man's character. His Lordship replied that, he was sober, and a good coachman, but he-had suspicions that he cheated him. The man came the' next morning to return thanks to his Lordship for procuring him so excellent a place. "My new master," Baidhe, "was contented to find I was sober and a good; coachman,- but as to Cheating' your Lordship,* he thought the fiend himself could not do it." , , [ '"Says I— 'ls Mr. Smith in, sir?' Says the man with the sojer cap — 'Will, yes s^op into Jhe elevator ?' So I steps intiLthe elo'ait, and all of a suddint he pulls at a rope, and-f it's the trooth I'm tellin' ye — the walls of the buildin' began runnin* ' down to the cellar. • Och, murther I' says I, 'whatil become of Bridget and the childer which was left below there ?' Says the sbjer cap man—' Be aiay, they'll be right enough when yez come down.' ' ' Come down, is it,' says I. ' ' And , is ; it no r olosit at all, but a haythe'nish balloon thai yez have got me, in V And wid that, the walls stood chock still, and Jhe opened the door], and there' I was wid the roof jist up over m£ head. And that's phwat saved me from goin' up to the heaven's intirely." 1 "\ r , , The boy stood on the baokyardfene'e, \ -Whence all but him had fled ; ; $ \ , . Site flames that lit'his father's barn' " Shone just above the shed. .-,'■ - < One bunch of .crackers in his hand, '• t Two others in his hat, f With piteous accents loud ho cried— ; " I never thought of that 1" j A bunch of crackers to the tail Of one small dog he'd tied ; ! The dbg in anguish sought tl»e barn, And 'mid its ruins died. ■ „ Tlie sparks flow wide and red and hot, V They lit upon that brat ; ' ' They .fired the crackers in his band, '■ ' ■' ; And eke those in fiis hat. Thon.oame a barest of rattling sound'; ' ' The boy— where was he gone ?' j Ask of the winds that far nround, . ' • - . Strewed bits of meat and hobs, 7 . And flcraps of clothes and.ballß and toin', . . . „ And nails and hooks and yarn, ' j ' . Tho rolice of that wickod boy That burned his father's barn. j I Dictionary Englisli.— A, oignboard in SwHeerlan'd, r«ftds," Printi»c hung with HUgecoacb." It ' me«os, pr iLtiug escouled with aiieanat. ; , '„ | To be borne in mind. What? Thdfj for the new year picnics and excursions the Concentrated Lemonade made by Redshawfl 'is 'tne most delicious, rerreebing and wholesome; of beverages. With hot water it is better than tea.— Advt. - , ■ Be careful you obtain the -- genuine Wolfe's ßcbnapps/'I * . -, L j