Fun" and Fancy.

Taranaki Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 8953, 9 December 1890, Page 4

Fun" and Fancy.

A cuix on the wrist is worth two on tho ear. .' In a girl's room all roads lead to the looking glr.ss. > ', r "i'is strange that we should tia'vo fresh eggfl as the rossult of a fowl habit. i A printer and a man who cans lobsters both follow the art preservative. A haldheaded man says his hair reminds bim ci a fool and his money, because it ia soon parted. Some unscrupulous person has denned a Chinese policeman as an " Asiatic collarer." " How did you like the sermon to-day !" "Well, it was such a nod discourse, that I went to sleep." The proper name' of the bumble bee is humble bee. But humble as he is, he won't allow himself to be sat on. It is a great deal easier' to writo a vivid love letter of sixteen pages' than it is to hear it read two years after in court. He — "I wash my hands of you for everl" She — " And let me suggest to you that yon also change your cuffs." . * If women got equal pay for equal work, would they stand their turn at buying the theatre tickets and then paying for the supper. " I flatter myself that honesty is printed on my face." " Well — cr — yes, perhaps so — with some small allowance foritypographical errors." . * - -. , Papa (that is to be) — " What are • your prospects, Mr. De Brazen ?" " Merely that of being your son-in-law, sir. I don't ;want anything better." Mrs. Lennox Hill — " Want your wages raised, Bridget ? lam paying you very, well now, I think." Bridget — " Yes, mum, but we've been ordered to double our contributions to the cause of Oireland, mum.' - Some scientific men declare that it is impossible for a man to think without words. TThat may be, but we all know that it is possible for a man to use words without ingI Eobinson (at the club) — " Tou are getting to be a great cltb man, Brown. I see you are here every night, now. Wife away ?" " No. She insisted on me buying a piano — : and I did/ Heckor (to old college chum) — " Yes, your son drops in quite often to see me." Broker — " That's strange. Tom never mentions it. By-the-bye, what business are you in now ?" " Pawnbroker." " What's the difference between a controversy and a fight ?" asked the son. " Your mother and I have controversies," explained the father, " while Mr. and Mrs. Jones next door fight." Fashionable lady (in the public library) — " Have you any of Bart's novels ?" " No, er — I — er — do not lznow that writer." " But you have his name in the catalogue. Here it is, you see, Sir Walter Scott, Bart.," said she. A horse was sent to a smith to be shod. As there were a number of ready-made shoes on hand, the job, in the absence of the smith, was given to his lad. After an interval, the following note came to the superintendent — " This horse don't lit any of our shoes." Miss Peyster (to Mr. Burnand, who has been indulging in persiflage) — "But you are never in earnest, Mr. Burnand ?" " Never." " You ought to be. Why ain't you ?" •• You see, by never being in earnest, I can always say what I think, and no one will know j whether I meant it or not." . ! " Can't I take your name for this encyclopedic dictionary?" asked the book agent. " It's an encyclopedia and dictionary all in ! one." " No, sir," said the man addressed, " I have no use for it whatever. I have married a Boston girl." " Darling," she said, weeping, " when we were married, five years ago, I never expected to see you come home at one o'clock in the morning." " Well, you wouldn't now, my dear," he replied, "if you'd only go t'sleep earlier." " How do you pronounce s-t-i-n-g-y ?" Pro- , fessor Yearns asked the young gentleman ' at the foot of the class. And the smart boy stood up and said it depended a good! deal whether the word applied to a man or a wasp. " Go right to the top, young man," said the Professor. An Irishman who had been confined in gaol for some offence, on being set at liberty, received the sympathy of his friends. " You had miserable quarters', didn't you, Mike ?" " No," he replied, " but it Was a moighty inconvanient door." Tramp — " Scu^c me, sir, but could you 61' lij^e me — " Fil/.iiiabhani — " No, I've nothing for you." Trump — "I wasn't askin' for money, sir. I've seen better days, and I Was goin' to ask you if you could oblige me with an old pair of trouser stretchers ?" (Fitzmasliam feels that he can't give a man like that less than sixpence.) Wife — " Cyrus, lam sure young Spoonamore is becoming serious in his attentions to our Susie." Husband — " Nonsense ! WWhatt t makes you think so ?" "He wears a new necktie every time he comes." "Do yoa think Susie cares for him ?" " Yes. She hasn't eaten an onion this summer," was the ruply. ■ : „ Arthur (disconsolately) — •• No, there is no hope of winning her now." Edwin — " Why, j what has happened ?" Arthur — " Oh, it's a I little thing. But straws show which way the wind biows. She criticised the colour of my necktie last night." " Why, man, that only shows her interest in you. She's just paving the way for you." " Just paving the way to be a sister to me." Little Boy — " Say, ma says you are going to take sister off." Engaged Youth — " Yes, in a few weeks she's coming to my home, and my ma and pa will be her ma and pa. See." " I see. Then she'll be your sister, same as she was mine. But don't you do anything she don't like, for if you do, she'll bang .you around awful when your ma and pa ain't a looking." A ship having sprung a leak, a green hand was set at work at the pump. Before he began pumping he looked over the rail to see how high the water was on the side of the vessel. After working an hour he again took a peep over the side, and found the ship four inches deeper than at iirst. " Arrah, Captain," said he, " I shall soon pump the sea full at this rate, for it is four inches higher already."' An Indignant subscriber walked into a newspaper oflice the other day and threatened to stop his subscription, unless the editor promised a lot of pictures to amuse the children. The editor promptly declined, and and the sub., waxing wrath, called him nasty names and his paper a dirty rag. Half a minute later he found himself travelling downstairs five at a time. When lie arrived at the bottom he was freely i'Justrated with cuts, though the paper wasn't. With fingers blackened with ink, With eyelids heavy and red, The local editor sat in his chair, Writing for daily bread. The small boy was by his side, The foreman grumbled and swore, And the office boy, like Oliver Twist, Constantly cried for more. He had told of a log that was broken That had never been broken at all ; He had killed off the dearest friend ho had, And torn up a house in a squall. And now he was at an end, And hadn't an item left ; And he bowed his head to the small boy's scorn Like a fellow of hope boreft. They found him a corpse that night In the street so drear and sloppy, With the foreman whispering into his ear And the small boy waiting for copy. " What was Elijah while he was in (he-d-eert?" "I cfunno what he was, unlo-s ho was a deserter," replied the young hopeful.