Page 4 Advertisements Column 2

Taranaki Herald, Volume XXXIX, Issue 8924, 4 November 1890, Page 4

FfiN^'iip^PANOß •♦Didyoilgeitho pair of trousers If' sent yon, Pat 2" " No» ■ yer honour ; I only got wan:",. •< Why's Fitznoodle got ft band on his hat? " Ofe, dQntqbyerknpW;? H<a so fond of musitf." •' " ' ' * . Teaoher in mineralogy olaflB— " Johnny, givam* thfl.nanie qt, the-. lajge|tt teoyrn;qiamond." Johnny-r"Thfl.a.sa.^ , " Come off that grass, M'JDoiiough ; don't jovl aea .the sign?" , V.Phat dogs frMfJ" ."Wmmamxig mom d. M ' üßjsontvx}u ßjsontvx} thin, we'll tnresspaba in sOilence. Lover (just rejected)— •♦ Well, I'm aard Miss Sharpe loves me, and would gladly be> come my wife." Sweetheart—" What, that : Kbmd."ttiing.?" George 1 , dear, rauSyotofire;" A. — " You are so modest, I don't see how you ever came to propose to your wife." B. —" That was very simple. I said nothing, "andf. she tfujd, nothing, and bo one- word * brought on, a^oth^r." . "I am gKQ.wing rig. pr^ty fast, and soon I shall be raising a moustache," said Tonupy Toddler. % ,"Soo. are mistaken, my bpy. When yon raise^a moustache "you'll be growing down." Smithßon-^'JChaVft djL latest bust— cost me a huncbM s ffimb&?^ Eevyeon— "A 'underd pounaT, mF'dearl ' Why my latest' ' bust ' cost my creditors a 'underd thousand pound 1" Judge— " How did yon come to rob this man in broad daylight, on a frequented. thoroughfare?" Highwayman — "I couldn't •heh/ it, Judge; I ha -*n engagement 1 for , every night of that week." He,(aftejc a So you persist in breaking' the engagement V* MSufe fiancee— "Certainly. What do you take me for?" .' He— " Ab^pui forty, over; it may ( be ybuir last chance. 0 " " " ■' Hollls Holwo'rth' (tryiilg to grow a moiistache)— " I say, Tom, does it show at all ?" Tom Thayer (seriously)^-" Well,.yes a little ; but, never mind, I don't think anyone will notice it." He — " Would it make you very sad if I told you I was going to inarry.Eome one else?" She (who. doesn't show the desired anxiety about accepting him)— "lt would, Jack,' if the girl were a very near and defer friend of mine." Teacher—*,* You should be more correct in your composition, Johnny. You say, ♦ I love school.' Now' school .cannot be loved. Can't you use a more correct expression ?" Johnny — " I hate school." Jack — «• So pretty, impecunious S^aljie Jones, whom I use,d to flirt with, is the wife of a millionaire, you say!?" " Bless me, hqw the whee} of fortune does turn." Bill—" Ye;s, especially when a pair of pretty shoulders are put to it." A green one, who had crossed the Atlantic told a story of a storm, when the rain poured down in such torrents that the ocean rose 6in. "There's no mistake," said he/ "because the captain kept a mark on the side Of the vessel." ; ' Mistress' (to maid): "Did anyone, call while I was out, Maty ?" Mary : •• Vis.mam, a young man called to see Bridgit, the .cook, and she sint.wurred np that she want at home till aTenin'." , Mamma; "Well, Nellie, what did you learn at Sunday School tb : day?" Nelli^: " That I must sell three tickets for the concert next week, give 20 cents to buy a present for the superintendent, and that Noah built the ark." A. — "And what has become of your BQn Jimmie!" B. — "Jimmies gone into journalism." A. — "Why, he's only ten yeays old." B. — " True ; but, you know, he seljs forty newspapers a day. He's a smart boy, that Jimmie." An advocate before an English bench of magistrates lately said he had two witnesses in court in support of the cause of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth, for he had had no opportunity of communicating with them. Daughter— " Pa, Mr. Slim and I were discussing whioh was the preferable, * He will go I ,' or •He shall go. » What do . you say ?" ?a (looking at his watch)— "As it is 11.30 o'clock, I should say *he must go' was tlie correct expression." She: "Now,. John, I don't think you ought to go oat .to-night. This is the fourfih night you have been out this week." He: 'j ßusiness, you know, dear; and besides, it wiH'give.you a chance to finish your magazine^article, on * How to keep a Husband at Home.' " . V. Tommy, what did your sister say tlie other evening when she received my note, .saying that I couldn't come that, night?" " She didn't sa^r anything. She went to tlje pi^nb and began to play something." " Some- . thing sad, I suppose." "No, I think it was *w" . ; . A. : " Did you marry for Idve or money ?" B. : " Money." A. : " Well, whatts become .of it ? You never seem to have verg much j" B. " We neither of us ever had any. She got a judgment against me in a breach of promise suit, and it was many or pay, anil I had to marry;'' Ticket Collector (to pijgjtager in firaft class carriage, with second-cljise. ticket): ticket is second class, sir; ' You moat pay the difference." Passenger: "The second class carriages were fullt'*_. Collector :• " Ye[s, but there was plenty 'of room third class." " Quite so. Pay me the "difference and I'll change." , ; Husband : " This) gymnasium exerciee is a grand thing for one; I can tell you. W!hy, . 1 spent an hour and. a half on the rowinjg machine this afternoon, and didn't feefia bit tired." Wife (next morning) : " I wish you^'d help with the hashing machine work.". Husband: " Do jicju yjant me to break my tack, Sarah ? Gkv and get some washerwoman to doit." S . •A good^ld homespun lady, who had attended t<?x some time in a church in which, the serv/ice was intoned, jtnet the vicar vi thel stree^ -one day, and said to him : " Mr. Pas*. . torcib I hev,aUttle. favour to, ask of "ye;, I've: bu*, ,a-sayin'g my prayers in F, npw for nigh ojr. '^o five .years," .and I would ,r,eejy like jfco.sjiy^ i them in E for a while. I'm jge*,tin''so, husky ' in P now ihat I can't jine in'as I used to do." : " Do you think, my dear," said Ethel, "I ( should allow Mr. Jeffray, to kiss me twice ia.. the play we are doing f&r Mrs. St. Glair's '■ charity ?' " Certainly not, my dear," replied ' her mamma. " What can yott be<thirikiug' of I" " But I heard," answered Ethel, " thlat^ he is very wealthy, mamma." •" Ah.why did i you notisay so before ?„ Yes, dear, you mpy .allow him ; .it is for sweet charity's sake, you know." Certain over-delicate sensibilities may well be Bhocked by brutally, practical suggestions. Mrs. Cook, had been superintending hjer' poodle's bath, and- after the operation was .concluded,' sat down in the ,oaok yard to rest. . " I can't help thinking that Ehse .is careless with dear Fido," she said to the washerwoman, a broad-shouldered, good-natured creature, who was hanging out ttie "clothes. "Elise makes him nervous every time > she does anything with him. I begin to think I .shall have to. trust his bath to someone else. How would you like to undertake it, Mr 3. Mac Lean ?" The washerwoman shook her head. "Beggin' yer pardon, mum, I ain't hankerin' after that kind of a job." "No, but really," said Mrs. Cook, bending forward in interested considetation, " let; us think it over. Now, how would you begin to give Fido his bath ?" The washerwoman thought it over as she was requested to do. Then she smiled broadly. "If 'twas left to me, mum, 1 ' she announced, " I think I'd put him asoak over night, and then run him through the wringer." And, strange to say, she was never asked to perform the operation. " Shea.a nice girl, my daughter is, if I, do gay it. Amiable, very easily pleased. ,By the way. Mr. Poeticus, she. was delighted with those verses you sent her of yours." A well-known commercial traveller writes :—": — " Ajy wife has tried; Renshaw's Monarch. of Pain with, wonderful results for neuralgia, which caused severe pajn and suffering,, but which, was removed upon the first application. — Advt. i When people find they can gain an advantage l>y pursuing ' any line of policy they generally appreciate it. One way, of gaining a. point jb by investing', in Ren•baw • Currie Powder ; it i« the beit, ifrengnt, tag cbi»pf it.-Am»