The Temuka Leader TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1887. THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1573, 26 April 1887, Page 2

The Temuka Leader TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1887. THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

I feel that I owe my readers an explanation for not haviag contributed to these columns for the past few weeks. My explanation is that some time ago I wrote some poetry; that this poetry attracted the attention of the Supreme Court of New Zealand; that the said Supreme Court was so charmed with the said poetry that it invited me to present myself before it, so that it might have the felicity of congratulating the genius that evolved from his inner consciousness such poetic pearls. It was at this juncture that the trouble beear. The proprietor of this paper, anxious to shine in the presence of the Court as a poet, said he would go,'but I said I could not consent to that as it was the poet and not the proprietor the Court desired to see. The proprietor insisted that he was the poet; he had paid me for writing the poetry, he had thus purchased it and was proprietor of the poem. The logic was forcible, but I did not yield until he offered to increase my salary if I remained at home. This settled the question. Ho went to the Court, and 1 went to celebrate the jubilee of cutting my first wisdom tooth, and a glorious jubilee I had of it.

While I was thus enjoying myself the proprietor had a bit of a picnic on his own account in the Supreme Court. With the acumen and clear-sightedness so characteristic of the Court it at once saw

the deception which had been practised upon it, and, as Homer says, “it got it’s dander up.” It saw that it had not got hold of the real poet, and the result was that it handed the proprietor over to the tender mercies of « barrister of the Supreme Court. The punishment was severe, but that is all that can be said now about it. If I had gone to that Court the result would have been different. 1 would have adjourned with the Court to some place of refreshment.

The third act was the most painful of all to me personally. When the proprietor returned home I ran to greet him, and just as 1 was petting close to him be extended bis haod, with the result that it collided with the most prominent feature of my face, and latumbled to the ground. History records that 1 was carried home speechless, and when I recovered consciousness some weeks afterwards I exclaimed: “Thisis rough. There is no appreciation for poetry in this country. In England Tennyson has been pensioned, and created a peer of the realm for writing poetry; in New Zealand one is tieated as a criminal merely for letting off a little poetic steam.” And now, having explained the cause of my silence, I shall proceed at once to inform my readers as regards the Ways of the World.

This is Jubilee year the Queen’s Jubilee, L believe. It does not matter much whore I got this information, but there are incidents of some interest connected with it to which I desire to refer. In England a My’s dress improver has been invented which plays “ God save the Queen” whenever the wearer sits down. I propose that we purchase -one of these musical dress improvers for each lady that takes part in our jubilee celebration, and that the Royal Oak in the Park be planted to their music. I make a present of this idea to the Jubilee Committee. Talking of dress improvers reminds me of a good story. A young lady from the country —ioteresting young ladies always come from the country visited her friend in town. She did not wear a dress improver and her town friend was shocked. She told her she looked “as flat as a pancake,” and that she must not appear in public without one, and so one was provided. It was one of a new design. It was an indiarubber bag, into which air was blown until it expanded to the desired dimensions, and it was highly recommended for lightness and durability. The young lady went to church wearing the new bustle, and in the middle of the sermon some weak spot in it gave way. The result was indescribable. The noise produced by the escaping air might be fairly described as the missing link between the whistle of a kettle and that ©f a steam engine. The congregation stared, the preacher stopped, and all remained ‘dumbfoundered ' until the noise subsided. The young lady never moved nor pretended that anything was wrong, but she returned home to her friend with her bustle as “ flat as a pancake.”

I am not at all satisfied with any of the suggestions so far put forth with regard to the best means of celebrating the Queen’s Jubilee. The best plan would be to go back to the custom which existed ia ancient Judea, where, on the jubilee year all debts were remitted, all mortgages cancelled, all bills of sale, etc., set aside, and poor unfortunate debtors were allowed to go free on a new career. That would be a jubilee indeed. If the Shylooks of the present age were only half so liberal as their pre-Christian prototypes, find gave us a clean receipt for all our public and private debts, there never was snch a jubilee as ours would be. Jerusalem, what a time we should have of it I

After all the facilities the Bankruptcy Court provides for us to get rid of our indebtedness are so elastic and so liberal that debts need never trouble us much. Two and a-half inches of space in two newspapers, the cost of which is Isa, and ‘Hey. presto ! gone,’ and our indebtedness vanishes into thin air impregnated by the profanity of our worldly-minded creditors. A glorious country this. You can get in debt to a depth that your creditors will not b« able to fathom, and next day at a cost of about 15s you can float along with a high head, and feel that you owe no man a penny. Having thus entered into the philosophy of bankruptcy, I will now tell you a story to illustrate my meaning. A certain gentleman of the never-pay persuasion entered into business in Christchurch, arid involved himself in liabilities to the tune of about £2OO. By a public advertisement he politely invited his creditors to meet him, so as to explain to them how his finances became embarrassed, and after having settled everything he bade them good-bye and came to Ashburton, where he commenced a new career. In Ashburton we find history repeating itself. A fresh crop of creditors, another advertisement in the papers, another affectionate farewell, and in due course our friend reached Timaru, where, he paid his debts on the old principle and proceeded southwards. In about 18 months be had gone through between £SOO and £6OO, of which he never paid a penny. In my opinion he overdid it. . He ought to have been arrested and imprisoned for the crime of being a habitual bankrupt. In my opinion the best thing we can do is to take advantage of the bankruptcy court this year, and celebrate the jubilee by a general bankruptcy all round.

Currency has been given to a good story in which the Hon. Colonel Brett figured prominently. The story is to the effect that the hon. gentleman was reading the newspapers in the Christchurch Club recently when to his great annoyance a new chum rushed into the room and began to shake hands all round and conduct himself in such a noisy manner as to render reading impossible. The Colonel put up with it for some time, but at last entered his protest at being disturbed. The new chum asked to whom did he address his language. Colonel Brett replied that it was meant for him—that he was an old man, had mixed in all classes of society, but never met so illconditioned a person as his questioner. “Do you know,” said the new chum, “ who you are addressing. Do you know lam the eldest son of Baron ■■■■ “ I did not know it," replied the Colonel, “ I did not kuow it, and, now that 1 know it, 1 have only to say that I wish to goodness your.mother had been barren too.” The new chum made less noise during the remainder of that evening. Com O’Lanw. -