FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 9 November 1935, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

NO USE TRYING. Mrs. Horty (engaging new cook): I suppose you know that my husband is extremely particular about his food? Cook: Yes, I know, mum. They’re all alike. My ole man was the same, I never cooked anything to please ’im in me life! ■#* # * COAT AND WAISTCOAT. How many coats of paint do you put on that fence? Painter: Two, sonny. Why? Well, if you put on a third coat it would be an overcoat, wouldn’t it? Painter: Yes, and a waste coat, too. « # # # YES. Baby Barbara, aged two, was having her first experience with sliced watermelon. She looked it over and said: “Oh, mother, look! It has buttons and buttonholes.” # # ft • * NASTY. _ Two travellers arrived at the hotel and were shown a rather dingy room. • “What,” asked one, “does this pigsty cost?” “For one pig, thirty shillings; for twe pigs, fifty shillings,” the proprietress replied. # « « * BEGINNING EARLY. Caller: And what is dear little Henry going to be when he grows, up? Mother: I’m not sure. But from the look of the wallpaper and everything he touches, I think he’ll become a finger-print expert. # sc « * THE NATIONAL TRAIT.

Sandy joined a golf club and was told by the professional that if his name was on his golf balls and they were lost, they would be returned to him when found. “Good,” said the Scot. “Put my name on this ball.” The “pro.” did so. - . “Would you also put M.D. after it.„ said the new member. “I’m a doctor.

The “pro.” obeyed. “There’s just one more thing, went on the Scot. “Can ye squeeze ‘Hours 10 to 3’ on as well?” ##, * * A PINK PARASOL.

The late John Wanamaker was very active in church and Sunday school work during his long and useful career. He loved to tell Bible stories to classes of small children. It was after a particularly inspiring session of such stories that the benign gentleman looked around at the attentive youngsters and inquired, “Now, children, are there any questions you want to ask?” Came the timid voice of a little girl: “Please, Mr. Wanamaker, how much is that little pink parasol in your store window?” « «• * « MAKING CERTAIN.

It was the first time that the Jinkses, who had lately come into money, were entertaining in their newly-purchased mansion.

Mrs. Jinks fondly hoped that the dinner party would fairly launch them into society.

“Lena,” she said to her cook on the morning of the feast, “I want you to be sure and mash the peas thoroughly tonight.” The cook looked flabbergasted. “Mash the peas?” she exclaimed. “Yes, mash the peas,” repeated her mistress. “Mr. Jinks is scared that they might roll off his knife.”

SAVES THE TOWEL. The teacher had asked her class to write a short composition on the subject “Water.” One member seemed to be having difficulty, but finally he turned in his paper, and here is what he wrote: “Water is a light-coloured, wet liquid which turns dark when you wash in it.” • * « • . THE “SPOT” WALTZ. Jean (in dance hall): What are you doing here? Joan: S-s-s-h, just trying to find a husband. Jean: But you’ve got one. Joan: Yes, and that’s the one I’m trying to find. • « « • HIS SHARE. Husband: If we had a million dol- 1 lars, do you know what I’d do with my share of it? Wife: No, just what would you do with a thousand dollars, darling? » * « * SALESMANSHIP. Customer: Are those eggs strictly fresh? . / Grocer (to his clerk): Feel of those eggs, George, and see if they’re cool enough to sell yet. \ * # * • CAUTION. “And would you love me as much if father lost all his money?” “Has he?” , “Why, no.” ' "Qi course I would, darling.” • « « • LAST—BUT BEST. The young man at the seaside board-ing-house had been banging the piano and driving everybody nearly crazy. “I’ve tried every key!” he said ly“Now try this one,” said the landlady grimly. “It locks the piano.” * * * • MIS-DEAL. Joan had been to a whist drive and was telling the family all about it. “It did seem queer,” she said. “At one of the tables there were three misdeals.” Everyone smiled when gradma said. < “How strange! Where they all sisters?” OVERHEAD. “We seem to be running at a loss,’,’ said one director to another. “Some of the overhead expenses are very heavy, and will have to be reduced.” “All right,” said the other. “We’ll knock the aeroplane service off.” • # •* OBSTACLE. The Hollywood film colony which threatened to leave California in ; caravan of covered wagons has decided, to stay where it is. No one apparently, could think of a suitable theme-song. » * * * GOOD SALE. A countryman paying his first visit to the seaside’ was struck by the vast expanse of water. Turning to an ancient boatman, he said: “I shouldn’t half like to take some of this home to the missus. Do you think you could sell me a bottleful?” < _ The boatman assented and charged the countryman sixpence for the service. A few hours later the visitor returned - to the shore again after a tour round the town. By now the tide had gone out. The man gazed open-mouthed at the , spectacle. “Hm-m, mister,” he said, turning to the boatman, “you’ve done a good trad® rt to-day I”