FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 11 May 1935, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

AFFABLE. At Victoria Station a clumsy porter dropped a portmanteau on the foot of a Frenchman. . “Name of a dog?” exclaimed the injured one vehemently. “’Ow many letters?” asked the porter, who was an expert at 1 crossword puzzles. NATURAL. 'J It was late in the evening, and he was tired of being accosted by the. many street hawkers. The last straw came when a flower, seller stopped him with “Snowdrops, sir?” “I always knew it did,” he snapped, and strode on. f? =». * * THEN THE ROW BEGAN. In an auction room a fur coat was being sold. A man near the rostrum was bent on possessing ’• it; so was a woman standing on the outskirts of the crowd. There were no others bidding, and they continued to bid against each other till at last the woman gave up. The purchaser’s name was called. He was the woman’s'husband. # * * # LIVELY. “Brown -is marrying again, I hear.” “So they jay, and from all accounts his second wife will make rather a lively stepmother for the children!” "A sort of watch-your-step-mother, I suppose.” . OMINOUS. The comedian went into the provision shop looking awfully worried. “I see you exhibit a card in your window,” said he. nervously, “which reads, 'Empire eggs’!” “Well,” said the shopman, “what about it?” - “Well,” said the “pro.,” “I’m singing at the Empire to-night!” # * « # THE BLUNDER. At the inquiry into the cause of a level crossing accident on a dark night the railway watchman was put through a severe cross-examination. In spite of repeated suggestions to the contrary, he stoutly maintained that he had waved his danger lamp at the approaching car just before.it crashed into the gates. Subsequently he was congratulated by the railway company’s counsel on the way he had stuck to his guns. “Aye,” said the - old fellow, “but it were a good thing he didn’t ask me if the lamp was lit!”

GOOD GIRL. Mrs. Brown had a treasure of a maid, and she was praising her wonderful qualities, especially her trustworthiness, to envious friends, when. the girl herself entered the room with tea. “Oh, Jane!” said Mrs. Brown, “will you run upstairs and fetch that letter I left on my dressing table?”' • “Er—er—which one, ma’am?” inquirer! Jane. “The one’ about .your brother’s divorce or • the one about the hire-pur-chase payments being late?” * ' o- « ■ # INSTRUCTION. Illuminating remarks of a sergeant. instructing a party of young cadets in burrT drill:— > . . . “On the command ‘Fix,’ . the right-’and man ovine rruxu ■ rmm.. ..m ! Not— take three paces forward; and for why, because if ’e did ’e’d fall right into the grave and break is bloomin’ neck. Stop laughing in the rear rank, please, Mr. Fletcher. “And that brings me to another point. The cortege will proceed in a stately and orderly fashion. The party, will assume ’appy yet sorrowful countenances—’appy because their late lamented comrade ’as departed to ’appier lands, and sorrowful because ’e’s gone without paying ’is mess ■ bill.” • «*■ ♦ * - NOT PRESSED. A man found himself at a teetotal banquet. He suffered patiently until the dessert arrived, when a neighbour pressed him to have, some grapes. > “No, thank you,” he growled., “I don’t take my wine in pills.” **# - * • MANNERLY. When little Betty was about, to .go to her chum’s party her father gave her a few hintls on how she was to comport herself. “If they ask you to dine with, them you must say, 'No, thank you, I have already dined.’ ” When she arrived, however, the first thing her chum’s father said to her was, “Come away, Betty, and have a bite with us.” “No, thank you,” said the mannerly maid, “I have already ■ bitten.” « # * # EVER THE WOMAN. The vicar had called to .compliment the old lady on reaching her eightieth birthday. In the course of their conversation the vicar remarked that there was another old lady in his parish who had just passed her hundred arid second year, whereupon the old lady of eighty fixed her glasses, looked at him, sniffed, and said:— “A hundred and two! Believe me, that woman’s a hundred and twenty-two if she’s a day!”