MONEY FOR NOTHING

Taranaki Daily News, 6 October 1934, Page 23 (Supplement)

MONEY FOR NOTHING

By

P. G. Wodehouse

“It would help,” urged Hugo. “It might just sway the issue, as it were,” “Sorry. He must have his shower. When a man’s been exercising and has got himself into a perfect lather of sweat—” “Keep it clean,” said Hugo coldly. “There is no need to stress the physical side. Oh, very well, then, I suppose I shall have to trust to tact and. charm of manner. But I wish to' goodness I hadn’t to spring business matters on him on top of what seems to have been a slightly hectic morning.” He shot his cuffs, pulled down his waistcoat, and walked with a resolute step out of the room. He was about to try to get into the ribs of a man. who for a lifetime had been saving up to bo a miser, and who, even apart from this trait in his character, held the subversive view that the less money young men had, the better for them. Hugo was a gay optimist, .cheerful of soul and a mighty singer in the bath-tub, but. he could not feel very sanguine, However, the Carmodys were a bulldog breed. He decided to have a ppp at it. Theoretically no doubt, the process of exercising flaccid muscles, opening hermetically sealed pores, and stirring up a liver which had long supposed itself off the active list ought to engender in a man a jolly sprightliness. In practice, however, this is not always so. That Lester Carmody was in.,no radiant mood was shown at once by the expression on his face as he turned in response to Hugo’s yodel from the rear. In spite of all that Healthward Ho had been doing to Mr. Carmody this, last ten days, it was plain that he had not yet got that Kruschen feeling. " Nor, at the discovery that a nephew whom he had supposed to be twenty miles away was. standing at his elbow, did anything in the nature of sudden, joy help to fill him with sweetness and light. .. “How ..the devil did you get here?” were his opening words of welcome. There was. a pause, employed by Mr. Carmody in puffing; by Hugo in trying to think of something to say that would be soothing.

“You look very fit, uncle,” said Hugo. Mr. Carmody’s reply to this was to make a poise like a buffalo pulljng Its foot out of a swamp.

“I expect it’s been pretty tough going though,” Hugo proceeded. “I mean- to say, ell these exercises and cold Showers and' lean chops, and so forth. Terribly trying, Very upsetting, A great ordeal. I think it’s wonderful the/ way you’ve stuck it out. Simply wonderful- It’s character that does it. That’s what, it is—character. Many men would have chucked the whole thing up in the first two dayg.” , „ , “So would I,” said My. Ceirmody, “only that damned doctor made me give him a cheque in advance for the whole course,”

Hugo felt darnped. He had had some good things to say about character, r and it seemed little use producing them now. “Well,' anyway, you look very, flt; very fit indeed. Frightfully fit; remark-, ably fit; extraordinarily fit.” _ ; He paused. This was getting hup no-, where. He decided to leap' straight to the point at issue. To put his. fortune to the test, to win or lose it all. . “I say, ■ Uncle, Xyster,, what I' really came about this afternoon was a matter of business.” “Indeed? I supposed you had come merely to babble. What- busiuegs?” “You know a friend of mine named FWT ' / / ' “I do not know a frien.d of yours named Fish.” \ '«• “Well, he’s a friend-of mine; - His name’s Fish. “lyhat about him?” ' "He’s starting a new night club. “I don’t care,” said Mr. Carmody, who did not, .... . , . .. “It’s just off Bond Street, in the heart of London’s pleasure-seeking area. He’s, calling it The Hot, Spot.”.. The only comment Mr. Carmody vouchsafed on this piece of information was a . noise like another buffalo. His face was beginning to lose its vermilion tingejsand it seemed .possible .that• in ,n few moments he might come off the boil.- >■

“I had a letter from him this morning. He says he. .will give me a half Share if I put up five hundred quid,” t “Then you won't get a half share,’ predicted Mr. Carmody. “But I’ve got five hundred. I mean to say you’re holding a .lot more than that in trust for me.”“Holding,” said Mr. Carmody, “is the right.word,” . . . “But surely you’ll let me ’have. this quite trivial sum for. a really excellent .business venture that simply can’t fail? Ronnie knows all about night clubs. He’s practically lived in them since he came-down from Cambridge.” “I shall not give you a penny. Have you no conception of the duties-of a trustee? Trust, money has to .be invested in gilt-edged securities.” “You’ll never, find a gilter-edged security than a night club run by Ronnie Fish.” . . ; .

“If you have finished this nonsense I will go and take my shower-bath.” “Right-ho,” said Hugo, a game loser. He was disappointed, but not surprised. AU along he had felt that that Hot Spot business was merely a Utopian dream. There are some men who are temperamentally incapable of parting with -five hundred pounds, and his Uncle ‘ Lester, was one of them- But in the matter of a smaller sum it might be that-he would prove more pliable, and of this smaller sum Hugo had urgent need. “Well, then, putting that aside,” he said ‘‘there’s another thing I’d like to chat about for a moment, if you don’t mind.” “I do,” said Mr. Carmody. “There’s'a big fight on to-night at the Albert Hall. Eustace Rpdd and Cyril Warburton are going twenty rounds for the welter-weight championship,” said Hugo. “What of it?” inquired Mr. Carmody.

He eyed his young relative balefully. In an association that-had lasted many years, he had found Hugo consistently irritating to his nervous system; and he Was finding him now rather more trying than usual. , . '‘l only meant to point out that Ronnie Fish has sent me a ticket, and I thought that, if you were to. spring a tenner for the necessary incidental expenses—bed, breakfast, and so on—well, there I would be, don’t you know.” “You mean you wish to go to London to see a boxing contest?” “That’s it.” “Well, you’re not going. You know I

have expressly forbidden you to visit London. The last time I was weak enough to allow you to go there, what happened? You spent the night in the police station.” . „ “Yes, but that was Boat-Race night. “And I had to pay five pounds for your fine.” Hugo dismissed the past with a gesture. “But, uncle, do you realise what it would mean if you did allgw me to go? ’ “The interpretation I would put upon it is that I was suffering from senile decay.” “What it would mean is that I should feel you trusted me, Uncle Lester, that you had faith in me. There’s nothing so’ dangerous, as a want of trust. It saps a young man’s character. “Let it,” said Mr. Carmody callously. “If I went to London I could see Ronnie Fish and explain all the circumstances about my not being able to go into the Hot Spot thing doth him.”

“You can do that by letter.” “It’s so hard to put things properly in a letter." “Then put them improperly, said Mr. Carmody. “Qnce and for aU, you are not going. to London.” He. had started to turn away as the only means possible of concluding this interview, when he stopped, spell-bound. For Hugo, as was his habit when matters had become difficult and required careful thought, was pulling out of his pocket a cigarette case. “Goosh!” said Mr. Carmody, or something that sounded like that. He made an involnutary motion with his hand, as a starving man will make towards bread; and Hugo, with a strong rush of emotion realised that the happy ending had been achieved and that at the eleventh hour matters could at last be put on a satisfactory business basis. “Turkish this side, .Virginian that,” he said. “You can have the lot for ten qujd.” . “Say, I think you’d best be getting along and taking your shower, Mr. Carmody,” said, the voice of Dr. Twist, who had come up unobserved and was standing at his elbow. The proprietor of Healthward Ho had a rather unpleasant yojee, but never had it seemed so unpleasant to Mr. Carmody as it did at that moment. Parsimonious though he was, he would have given much for the privilege- of heaving a brick at Dr. Twist. For at the very instant of this interruption he had conceived the Machiavellian idea of knocking the cigarette case out of Hugo’s hand and .grabbing what he could from the debris; and now this scheme must be abandoned. With a snort , which came from the very depths of an over-wrought soul, Lester Carmody turned and shuffled off towards the house. • “Say, you shouldn’t have done that,” said Dr. Twist, waggling reproachful head at Hugo. ."Nb, sir*you shouldn’t have done that. Not right to tantalise the poor fellow.” Hugo’s mind seldom ran on parallel lines with that of his uncle, but it was animated now by the identical thought which only a short while back Mr. Carmody had so wistfully entertained. He, too, was feeling that what Dr. Twist needed was. a . brick thrown at him. When he was able to speak, however, he did not mention this, but managed to keep the conversation on a specific and businesslike note as he got into his car and - took leave of the doctor. He stepped on the self-starter and urged the two-seater pensively down the drive. He was glad when the shrubberies hid him from the view,of J)r. Twist, for one wanted to forget a fellow like that as soon as possible. A moment later he was still gladder, for as he turned the first comer there popped out suddenly from a rhododendron bush a stout man with a red and streaming face. Lester Carmody had had to hurry, and he was not used to running. (Tq.be continued).’'