THE CHESTNUT TREE

Taranaki Daily News, 1 June 1934, Page 14

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Not Followed. — Minister (to deacon): Then you don’t think I practice what I preach, eh? Deacon: No, sir, I don’t. You’ve been preachin’ on the subject of resignation for two years, an’ you haven’t resigned yet. * * * Suspicion.— First Lawyer: I’ve just njade a fortune. Second Lawyer. Whose was it? Hardest Of All. — Harduppe: I always do my hardest work before breakfast. Borrowell: What’s that? “Getting up.” * * * Willing To Forget.—“Do you recognise me, sir?” “I do not.” “I expected as much. I am the wretched man who eloped with your daughter five years ago. Take her back, sir, and all will be forgiven.” * * * The Wrong Kind.— “ Yes, sir,” said the man with a frayed collar, “that land is now worth £2O a foot, and a year ago I could have bought it for a mere song.” “But you couldn’t sing?” chuckled the funny man. The man with the frayed collar eyed his distantly, and replied in quick, cutting tones: I could sing, but I couldn’t get the right notes. * * * A Funny Job.— Pat was obviously very pleased with life. Later he met Mike. “Well,” said his friend, “how do you like your new job?” “Sure, Mike, it’s the foiqest I’ve ever known,” he returned. “Begorrah! What do you have to do?” “I’ve nothing at all to do. I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer, and he does all the work.”

Mixed.—At a lecture for men the speaker stated that the average wife needed her husband’s aid in the home. “I always help my wife,” he said. “When she mops up the floor, I mop the floor with her.” Still The Same.—Dobson: How many years have you been married? Hobson: Haven’t-been married a year. What? I know better. “Well, my wife was 24 when we were married, and she’s still 24.” * * * Helpful. — “What’s happened, George?” she asked her husband, who had left the car to investigate. “Puncture,” he said, briefly. “You ought to have been on the look-out for this,” was the helpful remark. “You remember the guide warned you there was a fork in the road.” * * * No Such Thing.— Social Novice: What do you do when you get something ending with ‘“R.S.V.P.”? Wireless Enthusiast: Don’t let ’em fool you. There isn’t any such sending station. ■» * * Corrupt.— “ Good evenin’ Mr Macgregor,” said a canvasser in a Scottish by-election. “May we count on you to support our candidate?” “Nae, nae,” said Macgregor. “Ah’m thinkin’ o’ voting for the other mon. Ye see, he sent me a wee present for the New Year.” “But, mon,” said the canvasser, “that was nothing less than bribery.” “Ah, weel,” said ■ Macgregor, “it wasn’t much of a present. He sent me a turkey, but it was too high, an’ Ah had to throw it awa’.” “That makes it worse,” said the canvasser. “Bribery and corruption.”