FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 2 December 1933, Page 10 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

PHOTOGRAPH PROOF. The man entered the country post office and asked: Have' you a parcel for Mr. Jones? “I have,” replied the postmaster, “but how do I know you’re the man?” The man produced. a photograph of himself. “H:-.ve a look at that,” he said. “That look like me, doesn’t it?” “So it does,” exclaimed the postmaster, and handed over the parcel without another word. * * # * RESOURCE. “Mother,” said little Bobbie, “if a poor, hungry little boy came to the door and asked for something to eat, would you give him that piece of cake that was left from dinner?” “Why, of course I would,” answered the mother. “All right Just wait till I go round to the back door.” # ■ * * A GOOD EXAMPLE. Nervous passenger: Don’t drive so quickly round the corners. It makes me frightened. Driver: You don’t want to get scared, madam. Do what I do—shut your eyes when we come to comers! ‘ ■# . w COLLECTED WITH INTEREST. Mike Murphy, who lived bn a farm, sent his friend, Jimmy O’Brien, who lived in town, ■ a crate of chickens. “Did you get the chickens?” asked Mike, 'the next time he saw Jimmy. “Some of ’em,” answered Jimmy. “After I got ’em from the station they got out' of the crate, and I was two hours scourin’ the neighbourhod, and then only got ten.” ' • ' “Sh—sh—sh.- Jimmy! Not so loud. I only sent ye six.” • « # • # • • ■ WHO, INDEED? Maths. Master: Now if I subtract 25 from 37 what’s the difference? Little Willie: Yeah! That’s what I say. Who cares? * ■. * * * - SOUND AND SIGHT. Mrs. Blupe: Did you see the Smith twins?. Blupe: Yes. . . , . The Mrs.: Don’t you think the boy is a picture of his father? Blupe: I sure do—and the girl is a talkie of' her mother. ■ ■ / ' * * ♦ .* At an hotel in a popular holiday resort ministers are allowed special rates during certain periods of the year. One minister was somewhat surprised on arriving at the hotel not to see any brother clerics, and asked a maid if there were any in residence. “Yes, sir,” she replied, “there are several ministers here, but they dont weat clerical clothes; they just look like gentlemen.” » # * • ' QUITE. Smith: It’s wonderful what some Insects can do. A grasshopper can jump 200 times its length. Brown: That’s nothing. I ’.once saw a wasp raise a 14-stone man three feet off the ground. «-* # • “I always like to add a spice of danger to the ordinary things of life.” “Is that why you are eating your peas with your knife ?” # # « # Visitor: It’s marvellous. Eighty-six and never had a bottle, of medicine in your life. What do you put it down to? Oldest Inhabitant: .Well, I’m not friends wi’ the doctor. # • * • “How’s your daughter’s golf ?’\ asked one grand dame of another. “She says she is going around in less and less every week.” ■ “I don’t doubt that. I asked about her golf.” ; .## * * A Negro swatted a fly on another Negro’s neck. .. “Wot was dat, Sambo ?” “Dat was a hoss-fly, Bimbo.” . “Say’s wot’s a hoss-fly, Sambo ?” “A fly dat settles on bosses and asses, Bimbo.” ’ “But me’s no ass, Sambo.” “I’m not saying you is, Bimbo, but you can’t deceive dem flies!” . < « * # * “My dear, give a man enough rope, and he’ll hang himself.” “Well, I gave my husband plenty, and he skipped!” . # * * * Doctor: “You need a change. Why not leave your troubles behind and go on one of these ocean .cruises ?” Patient: “That’s no good. She can swim.” *«* - * Stella: If wishes come true, what would you wish for? Herbert: Oh, if only I dared tell you! Stella: Go on, then—what do you think I brought up the subject of wishing for? * Reverend Visitor: And don’t you ever say prayers before your meals, sonny ? Precocious Child: Oh, no—Dad says our cook’s pretty reliable! # * * * Miranda: No, I cannot marry you, Herbert. Herbert (coldly): Oh, well, never mind —there are others just as good. Miranda: Yes—better. I accepted one of them yesterday. • a - # # Teacher: Name some rare moths that are not included in the school collection, Tommy. > Tommy (air-minded): Please, sir, a Puss Moth. ~ ■ # # * . * This is an explorer’s tale of being stalked by three leopards when returning to camp one night alone and unarmed. “Knowing from experience that most wild beasts are frightened by the human voice,” said the hunter, “I let out a yell that scared even myself, and repeated the shout every few yards of the way back, until I was as hoarse as a crow, and my yells began to lack vim. “ ’Bit pleased with yourself, aren’t you ?” was my welcome on reaching camp. ‘We heard you singing for the last hour or more.” # # # # A miserly rich man was approached by a friend who did his best to persuade him to dress more in accordance with his station in life. “I’m surprised,” said the friend, “that you should allow yourself to become shabby.” “Oh, but you are,” said his friend. “Remember your father. He was always neatly, even elaborately, dressed. His clothes were always well tailored and of the best material.” “Why,” shouted the other, triumphantly, “these clothes I’m ’ wearing were father’s.” . # « s- * A travelling showman with a portable cinema projector made a tour of remote villages. His films were silent and the main attraction was an interest film called “Deer Stalking.” . At the first village he was packed out at the first performance, but on the second night the hall was empty. He stood outside and extolled the virtues of the show to a gaping crowd. “What’s the matter with you ?” he demanded at last, exasperated. “You don't catch us a second time,” said the village postman. “They deer ' never sJid a word!”

“It’s astonishing what love can do to some people. Take young Smith, for instance! He was telling me yesterday that he’d met the one girl in all the world for him, prettier than any film star, and her very .name,-he told me, conjures us a vision of the radiant countryside, hedgerows laden with blossom, nestling cottages, larks' soaring up from flower-dotted meadows, cosy farms down quiet lanes —all that sort of thing!” “And what’s the girl’s name?” “Bull I” «: # * . * On an Irish golf course there was a shortage of caddies. A farm labourer who had . never seen golf played was therefore pressed into service. — After two rounds the player for whom he had caddied presented him with pay- \ ment far beyond a labourer’s daily wage. . j The improvised caddie was naturally anxious for a further engagement. So, as he handed over the clubs, he asked, , politely, “Might your honour be-diggin’ here again about the same time tomorrow ?” • ♦ . » 3 » The match was about to start, and the captains were inspecting the ground. “I don’t like it,” said the visiting captain. “Don’t like what ?” asked the home skipper. “The ground,” replied the other. “There’s hardly a blade of grass to be seen.” ’ ' , “Well, you didn't come here to graze, did you ?” * * * * He had been warned off golf for six months owing to the state of his health. At the end of that period he presented himself for medical examination. “Heart’s good,” said the medical man, , 1 iefly. “Well, doctor,” said the patient, per* / suasively, “what about clubs 2