FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 17 September 1932, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

The straightforward young woman believed in telling the truth. She married a. very sentimental young man. “My darling,” he said, “surely I cannot be worthy of you?” “Oh, of course not,” she answered. “But when a girl’s 23 for six years she .would be silly to be too- particular, wouldn’t she?”

He had bored her to distraction with his continual talk about himself. At last he produced an album of (photographs and showed her a portrait of himself as a small boy upon his father’s knee. The <drl saw her chance and took it. “Who,” she inquired sweetly, “is the ventriloquist?” * * * ♦

Boxing Instructor: That was a halfhook.

Pupil (nursing jaw): Well, you can keep the other half. « « •

Greengrocer: Any horse-radish, madam ?

Young Bride: No. thank you; we have a car.

“That fellow next door threw a stone through the window while I was playing a piece on the piano.” “Silly fellow! Now he will hear you all the plainer.” ♦ • • • Father: Can’t you remember where I left my glasses this morning? Johnny: No, father, I can’t. Father; It is really astonishing, the forgetfulness of you boys. » # ♦ * Willie: Give me a penny, father. Father: You’re 100 big now to be asking for pennies. Willie: Perhaps you’re right, father. Make it twopence. #•♦ ■ •

Sandy had been working for the Auld Kirk minister, and he had admired a nice pig that the minister kdpt on a little farm < -iteide the town. At Christmas the minister called Sandy to him. “I’m going to give you the pig, Sandy.” Sandy, in his exuberance, “Thank ye, minister, it’s just like ye dear old self, sir!”

“Look here, waiter, I’ve been waiting half an hour for that steak I ordered.” “Yes, sir, I know it, sir. Life would be worth living, sir, if everyone was as patient as you are,”

A', coster pushing o. hand cart of shrimps, confronted by a Parliamentarian in his limousine, was roughly ordered to get out of the way. “Get out of the road yourself,” returned the coster.

“You don’t know who I am, evidently. I have M.P. at the end of my name.

“So has every blinkin’ shrimp in this ’ere barren of mine,” was the retort.

Her Suitor: Don’t you trust me, sir? Her Rather: Yes,- but will the landlord, the butclier-and the grocer do the same?

First Guest: sure I_don't know why they call this hotel the Palms, do you? I’ve never seen a -palm anywhere near the place. Second Guest: You’rf see them before you go. It’s a pleasant little surprise the whole staff keeps for the guests on the last day of their stay.

“j don’t know how to fill out thia question.” “What is it?”

“It saye, ‘Who was your mother before she was married?’ and I didn’t have any mother before she was married.”

An Old Friend: “Well, Mrs. Maggs, ’n ’ow’s yer ’usband gettin’ on these days?” Mrs. Maggs: “Oh, ’es bin employed in one. er the Government Departments doin’ somethin’ or other, but ’e’s workin’ agen now.” » A A A

In a big shop an old woman badgered the assistant for an hour without making a purchase from the numerous fabrics presented to her. “After all,” said the woman after the stock had been exhausted, .“1 think I want muslin.”

“You certainly do, madam,” agreed the assistant heartily.

Cohen approached his business partner and unloaded his mind.

“Look, Abie, I picked up a pound note vot a customer dropped in the shop. Veil, I liaf been worried about it. I don’t want to be dishonest.” “Veil, here you are, Abie,” he continued after a pause. “Here is your ten shillings; it vos better to be honest.”'

“I don’t like those sad, depressing films,” said a man the other day. “I enter a cinema optimistically, and I don’t want to come out misty optically.”

“Darling, if I did not have you life, would be but a dull cloud. You are the sunshine of my life, and in my heart you reign alone.” ■ His girl interrupted him then. “I’m puzzled, George. Are you making love to me or discussing the weather report?”

Parkes, the station-master, was particularly keen that the men in his charge should appear the smartest on the line. For some weeks he had noticed that Pat, the porter, was becoming slovenly in his appearance, and he decided to talk to him on the subject.

“Pat,” he said very gravely, “why is it that you no longer wear a clean shirt to work?”

“Sure, sorr, and it’s sorry I am,” the porter replied, “but my wife’s too busy.” “Too busy!” echoed the stationmaster. “What at?”'

“She fakes in washin’ now, sorr,” replied the Irishman. ♦,# # # '

The hour of midnight was drawing' near, but the young suitor had given no indication of parting. Presently the stillness of the parlour was broken by a loud crash from overhead.

“Gracious, darling,” said the timid lover, springing to his feet, “what ever was that?”

“That’s all right, dear,” the fair maiden explained, “merely father dropping a hint.” »

The Lass: “Do you know—you're the first who’s ever kissed me—” The Lad: “Darling!” The Lass: “Under this tree!”

Ada: Good heavens, girl, you are getting plainer every day! Eva: Well, that’s something you can’t do;

“You are six weeks behind with your rent, Mrs. Smith.” “Yes, you see how quickly time goes nowadays.” # * # t Jones: I hear you and your neighbour have quarrelled. What happened? Brown: Well, my children are taking music lessons, and the other day he sent over an axe with a note saying; 'Try this on your piano!’

“tDo you mean to say, young man, that you, without a position or money, wish to marry my daughter?” “Certainly. If I had any money I would have chosen another girl.” # / . # * Wife (during domestic argument)':Jl. think you are very unreasonable, : Thomas. Husband: I certainly was. I expected you to be reasonable. ' ■ * * * :: Visitor: Well, Jackie, how do you like your new little sister? Jackie: Oh, she’s all right; but there are lots of things we needed worse. . f A'A A * Lender: Look here, this is the fourth time I have’had to ask you to return that loan I made you. Borrower; That’s nothing. I had to ask you at least a dozen times before you would lend the money to me. * # a * A BAD SIGN. The Mother: How do you know that ho has ceased to love you? Marriageable Daughter: He buttons my gldves twice as fast as he used to. * # * « A GOOD STAYER, * “And when you eloped with the girl, asked a friend, “did her father follow you?” “Did he?” eaid the young man, "rather! He’s living with us yet!” . • * * '. » . NEEDLESS. A high handicapped golfer sat disconsolately in the club house. The secretary went across to him and tried to cheer him up. “I think, after ail, I’ll give up golf,” said the member after a while. “Swimming’s more in my . line.” “But you can’t; compare the two,” said the, secretary. "•Perhaps not,” said the golfer, '‘•but you can take as many strokes as you ■like when you’re swimming and you’ve no need to lie about it.” it * *. • A TOAST. Here’s to the arms that hold me And enfold me in your spell, Here’s to your lips that kiss me, I hope they never tell; Here’s to my own intuition, That keeps me keen and wise; Here’s to the love that lies in your eyes— And lies—-and lies—and lies! ea’ a \ * JUST 'SO. Muffling up the thrdat wit-h fur is merely a matter of habit, says a doctor. And often a matter of rabbit! # a * •* WARNING. ■ Mistress: Mary, when , you wait nt table to-night for my guests, please don’t wear any jewellery.. Mary: I have nothing valuable, ma’am, but I thank you for the warning, * ' • * '* THE USUAL PLACE. The doctor found his patient reading “Twelfth Night.” Thinking to show off his knowledge, he said; “I wonder if Shakespeare' was thinking of us doctors when he wrote about patience on a monument?” “Why, doctor,” answered the patient, “surely -they are usually found under the monument?” a # #. a THE SAILOR’S PERIL. - Dear Old Soul (to Salt) - : Have you had many narrow escapes during your life? Salt: Yes, marm, I was nearly drowned once. Dear Old Soul: And how did it happen? Salt: Oh, I went to sleep in. the bath, and left the tap running. >. ♦ * * « THE EXPEDIENT. The master of the house, informed the cook that his wife’s mother was coming on an indefinite visit. “ll’ve made out a list of her favourite dishes,” he said. ' “Yes, sir,” replied the cook. “And,” he added, “the first time , you serve one of them —you go!” *■a a . # THE SCOTTISH SABBATH. Three hikers halted at a farm in Scotland one Sunday and asked for glasses of milk. After they had drained the tumblers the hikers asked what was to pay. “Dear, dear!” said the farmer’s wife, “we dinna sell milk on the Sabbath. Ye can just gie the bairn a shillin’ as ye gang oot.”

. PULLED HIMSELF TOGETHER. ; Not long ago a well-known singer met with a motor-car accident. One newspaper concluded a report of the occurrence as follows: “We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in four pieces.” *♦* « . f FOR THE DEFENCE. Dealer: It’s a genuine antique, sir. Customer: But you are asking a fearful price for it. Dealer: Well, sir, look how, wages and the cost of materials have gone rip. *** . . * AN .ACTIVE MIND. Mrs. Mcßride: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking. Mcßride: As you will, dear. Mrs. Mcßride: And-don’t interrupt me when I’m not—for then I’m thinking. « . * ♦ . * . A miner, the owner of several wellknowfi. greyhounds, recently matched one of his animals to run against .another dog in the district for a £2O wager. The day before the race everyone was surprised to hear that one of the competitors had accepted a £5 note from the other, and allowed the match to be declared off. “Ye are the biggest fool under the sun,” explained of the recipient of the note. “The other dog is so lame that it can’t run fast enough to beat a dust-cart.” “That is all right,”-said the owner; “my dog died suddenly last ’night,”--'*-.

“How’s father after his party!* “I’m afraid he’s really rather seedy. He doesn’t even want, to eat the things the doctor has forbidden him.” * # $ # “Gan you keep a secret, old chap!” “What is it!” “Lend me a fiver till Monday.” “Rely on me, laddy, I’ye heard nothing.” • .'•♦ •. * Convict: Yes, lady, I always make it a point never to rob a house on Christmas Eve. Philanthropist: That fact does you credit. Convict; Thanks, lady. You see, it’s always best ter wait till Christinas night. By that time they’ve got- the presents all unpacked an’ lyin’ about loose, so yer can make a better choice. # ‘ « * The vicar’s wife said to her husband “I think it’s about time we discussed our son’s future career.” • “Yes, my dear,” agreed the vicar, “the question has already been exercising me. 1 think I shall endeavour to find a position for him in the publishing business. I have a report from his tutor saying he already appears to be on terms of considerable intimacy with several firms of bookmakers ” / ♦ • • « Mother: Have you anything to say before I punish you? This is going to hurt me worse than youj Willie. Willie: Well, as long as you haven’t done anything wrong, ma,- why don’t , you let yourself off? - 3 _