TO RAISE A LAUGH

Taranaki Daily News, 26 March 1932, Page 17 (Supplement)

TO RAISE A LAUGH

WANTED A WINNER.

Customer: “I say, waiter, what has happened to this lobster ? It is a claw short.”

Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but they’re so fregh and. full of life that they will fight among themselves in the kitchen.” Customer: “Well, take this one away and bring me one of the winners.” *** * • . A lady entered a crowded tramcar, and an old- gentleman promptly offered her his seat. , The woman fainted. After she was brought to she said, “Thank you!” The gentleman then fainted. ’-* * *

Little Mary was left to fix lunch, and when mother returned with a friend' she noticed Mary had- the tea strained. “Did you find the lost strainer!” mother asked. “No, mother, I couldn’t,” replied Mary, "so I used the fly swatter.” Mother was nearly swooning, so Mary completed it. with: "Oh, don’t get excited,' mother, I used, the old one.” , e . « « .• AFELINE.

Friend: “EUanor has never had any lessons in piano-playing.” Rival: “How sweet of her not to put the blame on other people.” . «i # • © IN DEFAULT OF CONSCIENCE.

Optimist; “The best thing in the world is a good conscience.” Pessimist: “And the next best thing is a good lawyer.”

"I want some peppah, please,” said a somewhat elegant young man, entering a store.

“Yes, sir,” .said the grocer. "White, black or cayenne?” “No, no,” explained the** young man, "I mean peppa'h—writin’ peppah.” , « » ’ « « i! WHY INDEED?

The captain had been lecturing his men on their duties as soldiers, and to see how far they had appreciated his remarks, he said to one of them:— “Now then, Mike Flannagan, why should a soldier be ready to die for his country!” Mike thought for a. while, and then said: “Sure, Captain, you’re quite right -—why should he.” « * • *

Brown: “Ar© you superstitious?” Green: “Yes. I 'believe in: ‘See a pin And .pick it up, and the rest of the day you’ll have good luck.’” Brown: “So do I. And the other day I saw a pin in the road. I stopped to pick it up, and my hat rolled in the gutter, my braces snapped, and my eyeglasses dropped out of my pocket and .smashed, and a half-crown rolled out of my other pocket and down a drain. . However, I got the pin.” #.• • • Teacher (questioning class): “What do you call a man who keeps on talking and talking when people are no longer interested!” Pupil: “Please, sir, a teacher.” « ® ®. « “If you’ve spotted the man who stole your car, why don’t you get it back?” “I’m waiting for him to put on a new set of tyres.” » <. • • It was geography lesson in school. “Tell me,” said the teacher,' “where is the capital of England?” "Please, teacher,” replied a boy, “I heard dad say most of it was in America and France.” • # # * - PROGRESSIVE. “You have started coining? It is hardly worth while making counterfeit pennies.” “But one must start in a smr’l way.” # # * * SWINDLING HIM. The business magnate sought to cut the interview short. “Let me remind you, sir,” he observed coldly, “that my time is worth a pound a minute.” But the irreverent one was not impressed. “By jove,” he said sympathisingly, “it is jolly rough on you when they put . the clock on, isn’t it?”

FOR ALL TO HEAR. During the “rush hour” a feminine voice was heard from the steps of a crowded car saying, “Oh, get in, dear; someone will give ua a seat!” And the next moment two women entered. The men in the car were on their mettle. -They read papers sternly. Those who had no papers closed their eyes and pretended to slumber. The women glared down the car -in, vain. For half a mjla the car went on. Then a man alighted, “There’s a seat for one,” said the conductor. “Don’t take it, dear,” said one of the women loudly, “some man will want it!” .* • * • • THE PICCADILLY ORIGINAL. No better joke has yet been made about Piccadilly Circus—and there have been many —than the original: — Country Cousin; “Is-this Piccadilly Circus!” ' ’\ ' Policeman: “Yes.” Country Cousin: “What time does it begin!” 4 # # • * THE FUTILE EFFORT. . ~ 4 ' A girl met an old flame at a party, and decided to humble him. “Sorry,” she murmured when the hostess introduced him, “but I didn t get your name.” “I know you didn’t,” he replied unkindly, “but it wasn’t your fault—you tried hard enough.” PARTING REGRETS. Hostess (at evening party): “What, going already, 'Professor! And must you take your dear wife with you!” professor: “Indeed, I’m sorry to say I must.” * ♦ * * Young Man: “I may seem cruel, Topsy, but I ought to tell you that last night at your party your sister promised to marry me. Will you forgive me tor takiffg her away!” Topsy: “Forgive you! Why, you fool, that’s what the party was for!” <4 * * THEIR LAMENT. The visitor to the small travelling circus found two of the junior members on the verge of tears. “What’s the matter!” he inquired kindly of the boys. “The elephant’s dead,” they sobbed. < “Did you, then, love the big animal so dearly!” asked the visitor. “No,” said the two together, “the boss has just told us we’ve got to dig his grave!” # # « ® “Do you ever have an accident on this line —trains colliding, and that sort of thing!” queried the tourist. “Na, na,” responded the Highland porter, “I can guarantee ye no’ collision o’ that kind here. Oor railway’s the safest in a’ the country.” “Indeed, what makes it so!” ventured the tourist. “Weel, ye see,” replied Sandy, "we hae only wan engine and wan carriage.” •' • • • STRANGE, BUT TRUE. A lawyer whose name was Strange lay dying, and by way of sympathy a friend asked what he would like inscribed on his tombstone. “Just put, ‘Here lies an honest lawyer,’ ” said he. “But,” said the friend, “that will not tell people who it is.” “Oh, yes,” replied Jbe lawyer, “many a passer-by will say: 'T-.at’s Strange!’” r « * MATURE MUTTON. The landlady was in a sentimental mood when dinner was served. “This is the anniversary of the death of my poor, dear uncle,” she sighed. “He was a sea captain, and went down with his ship this day 25 years ago. I -was only a child when he went away, but I remember he gave me a pet lamb as a parting gift.” The boarder regarded his lamb cutlet with mournful interest. “Poor, dear lamb,” he murmured reproachfully. “And you’ve killed it at last!” • • • • Doctor;: “But, my good woman, why didn’t you send for me before?” Wife of Patient: “Well, sir, we thought we’d wait a while an’ give ’im a chance to get over it.”