SMILE AWHILE

Taranaki Daily News, 1 August 1931, Page 9 (Supplement)

SMILE AWHILE

“Your car rattles dreadfully. Does it always do this?” “Oh, no—only when it is in motion.”

Cinema, Manager: What was the trouble with that man?

Girl in the Box Office: He has only one eye and he wanted me to sell him a ticket for half price. .

Herbalist; It's a marvellous hairgrower, eir. Only last week a customer of mine in the fruit business upset a bottle on some lemons, and he sold every one next day in mistake for coconuts.

Irate Father.- Y r ou impudent puppy! You want to marry my daughter! Arid tell me, do you think you could give her what she’s been used to?

Suitor: Er—yes. I think .so, sir. I’vt a very violent temper myself..

After the last of the dinner guests had taken their departure, Mrs. Morgan rang for the cook. Mrs. Morgan: “Nora, I found a rubber glove in the soup tonight.” Nora; Oh, thank you, -mum. I thought I’d lost it.”

Town Girl Visitor; “Look here, Mrs. Giles, when I went up to my bedroom just now three little pigs came from under my bed and ran out.” . , Mrs. Giles: “Don’t worry, my dear; they’re a bit shy at first, but they’ll soon get used to you.”

“He sings in a manner that is heavenly!” said the gushful admirer., “I shouldn’t say it is exactly heavenly,” said Miss Cayenne; “But I will at least admit that it is unearthly.’’

First Picnicker: “Isn’t this an ideal spot for a picnic dinner?” Second Ditto: “It must be. Fifty million insects can’t possibly have made a mistake.”

She (fishing for compliment): I suppose that you have known plenty of women sillier than me. (Silence). I say I suppose —. He: Yes, I heard you. I was only trying to remember. « # • •

Teacher: Parse the word kiss. Clarabow: This word is a noun, but is usually used as a conjunction. It is never declined, and . more common than proper. It is not very singular, in that it is usually used in the plural. It agrees with me. .•« • . •

The hostess, was pressing her guests to provide entertainment. “Is there any instrument you can play, Mr. Henpeck?” she asked. “Not away from home,” he replied. “What do you play at home?” she inquired. “Second fiddle,” the man answered solemnly. "• • • ♦. The foreman was taking one of his workmen to task for being late. “It’s a funny thing,. Jim,” he said, “thee alius missing a quarter of an hour, and thee living next door to t’ works, while Bill Jones, who lives two mile away, is alius on time.” “There’s nowt funny about that,” retorted Jim. “If he’s late in a’ morning he can hurry a bit, but if I’m late I’m here.” • * * * ' FAITH. “I have a raging toothache.” “Do as 1 do and repeat one hundred times, ‘Get behind me, pain.’” “Then I should have lumbago.” a•, « * RAT POISON. Customer: “I’d like some rat poison.” Clerk: “Will you take it with you?” Customer (sarcastically). “No, I’ll send the rats over after it.” .#• * * ■ THE SETTING. “I think your picture's perfectly adorable. It breathes the very spirit of dawn. What are you going to call it?” “Sunset.” • e • • EASY. “Oh, mother, I’ve learned to punctuate ; it io easy. If you say a thing is so you put a hatpin after it, but if you are only asking whether it is so or not you put a buttonhook after it.” ® ® FAR FROM IT.

Affable Passenger: “Your husband’s a poor sailor, I believe.” Imposing Passenger: . “Indeed he’s not! He’s a rich produce merchant.” • ® • • DEFINED. Teacher: “Alfred, you may spell the word ‘neighbour.’” ,Alfred.- “N-e-i-g-h-b : o-u-r.” Teacher: “That’s right. Now, Tommy, can you tell me what a neighbour is?” Tommy: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a woman that borrows things.” * * * • A TRUE BILL. “You look bored.” “The office boy asked permission to go to his grandmother’s funeral, and I said I. would go with him.” “Enjoy yourself?” “No, it really wgs his grandmother’s funeral.” t, 1 ### . * CEASE FIRING. Dora: “Oh, dear! Our powder it exhausted.” • . Helen: “That means no engagement.” • • • MUSICAL. “Is there any real tone to that new' picture gallery?” “Oh, yes; they have several fine Whistlers.” • .« • »■•...■ EXPERT SLICER. “How do you manage, to slice the potatoes so nicely?” “I let my husband practice golf shots with them.” ’ ■ BARNYARD CHATTER. Poland China; “Wliut’s that bantam rooster strutting about now. for?” Razorback: ‘Didn’t you see the boss’ ’plane take off? Well, he thinks he chased it away.” • • • ® MUST HAVE. Brown: “I’m afraid Williams has forgotten about that £5 he owes me.” Jones: “Why do you think that?” Brown: “He always seems glad' to see me.” 0«A ' • AN IRISH COURT. At an Irish Police Court the habitual drunkard was summoned for the usual cause. “Ten shillings or a fortnight,” remarked the Magistrate. “But,, sir, Oi’ve only two shillings in the world,” replied the prisoner. “Well, you must go to gaol then. If you hadn’t spent the money getting drunk you would have been able to pay ths fins.’’