WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 6 July 1929, Page 20

WIT AND HUMOUR

SHE WAS SUSPICIOUS. As Widow Watts bent industriously over her washtub she was treated to polite conversation by a man friend, who presently turned the conversation to matrimony, winding,up with, a proposal of marriage. “Are ye sure ye love me?' sighed the widow, as she paused in her wringing. “Are ye sure ye’ro telling me true?” The man vowed he loved her. For a few minutes there was silence as the widow continued her labour. Then suddenly she raised her head and askedi ‘•You ain’t lost yer job, ’ave yer?” A TRUE SCOT. Au Aberdonian on a visit to London noticed outside a house a brass plate which stated that the tenant was a professor of economics who gave lectures and consultations. He went inside and asked for a lecture. The professor agreed and turned out the lights in the room. “What’s the idea?” asked the visitor. “Light is not required while I am. speaking,” said the professor. Presently the speaker heard a rustling sound, and stopped. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m takin’ ma coat off,” came the reply; “ther’s no need to wear it oot in the dark.” NATURAL HISTORY STUDIES. The mistress.of the house was giving the new maid, who was fresh from the country, a list of household requirements. “There you are, Alice,” she said, and then suddenly remembering an item she had almost forgotten. “Oh —er —don’t forget we shall want a new griller for the kitchen, too.” Alice stared vacantly. “Don’t you know what a griller is ?” asked the other sharply. “I should think I do,” replied th® maid, significantly. “It’s a big, hairy monkey the size of a man. And if you want one of those in your kitchen. I’m leaving at once.” * e- 9 9 MOVING DAY. The craze for colour harmony is not confined to this country, judging from a story told by a lecturer. “Our rich people are going mad over colours,” he is reported to have said. “It is colour in the kitchen, colour in the bathroom, colour in the garage. They even buy dogs that match the car upholstery. “I think, however, the limit has been, reached in the case of Mrs. De Peyster, “‘What!’ exclaimed the lady in dismay, ‘you mean to tell me that this year’s license plates are blue and white? And our-new car is green and crimson! Tell James to pack immediately; we’re moving into the next State right away!”’ Sflt v # Old woman, at busy corssing; Officers, do people often get killed her? Policeman: No, ma’am, only once. # # * « THE LUCKY MAN. Mistress-: “I’m glad to hear you will be .staying on with me after you’re married. . Do 1 know the lucky man?” Maid: “Oh, yes, mum. It’s your son!” # i-f 9 9 BAD TO WORSE. “What sort of player is Mr. Thompson ?” the golfer asked his caddie. “He's no good at all, sir. Ho can’t hit a ball.” “Oh, that sounds good,” said the golfer jovially. “I’m playing him thia afternoon for half-a-crown.” “He’ll lick ye!” said the caddie.' ‘ HARD HIT. “What’s wrong, old man? You look blue.” “Had a scrap with my wife this morning.” “Oh, don’t let a little thing like that worry you. A thunderstorm clears th® atmosphere, you know.” “Yes, but that doesn’t help a man who’s been truck by lightning.” » . >» 9 9 VERY COOL. The landlord of a London hotel called a boarder to him one day and saidi “Look here! I want you to pay you< board bill, and you must! I’ve asked you for it often enough, and I tell you how, that you don’t leave my house till you pay it.” “Good!” said his lodger. “Just put that in writing! Make a regular agree* menfr of it. I’ll stay as long as I live! ” #4 # FOR THE SAME THING. A dismal and slightly-battered figure emerged from the police court. “Elio, Bill,” said a bystander. “You look fed-up.” “No wonder,” responded Bill. “Life ain’t ’arf ard, it ain’t.” “Well, think 0’ this. Tunney gets two ’undred thousand quid, and I’m fined 30 bob, both for doing the same thing.” # 9 9 QUEER! The musical comedy was on the eva of production, and the* orchestra had just rehearsed a selection for the fifth time. “Thank you, gentlemen,” said the composer, whp was also the conductor. “At last you have given me a truly correct interpretation of the work.” “Gee!” whispered the man who played the bassoon, “that’s queer; I’ve got two pages to’play yet.” # * # * TILE BLIND EYE. An irate cricket spectator who had watched his home team defeated stopped one of the umpires as he was leaving the field. “Where’s your dog?” he asked. “Dog?” ejaculated the umpire. “I haven’t got a dog.” “Well, said the disgusted one, “you're the first blind man I ever saw who didn’t have a dog.” s;:s 9 « ® HIS CARD. He was an old actor In a moth-eaten overcoat with a fur collar, and, looking in at the box-office of a certain theatre, asked if he crnld see the show. As it happened, the theatre was by no means full, and after the somewhat grubby visiting card had been looked at, the old actor was allowed in free. But at the end of the first act he appeared once again at the box-office window. “Here,” lie growled, “I can’t stand any more of this” show. Gimme me card 1 back.” ■