WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 13 October 1928, Page 20

WIT AND HUMOUR

USED TO IT. Counsel (to woman witness after cross-examination): I hope I haven’t troubled you with all these questions? Witness: Not at all. I have a small boy of six at home. • • • • FRIEND INDEED. “Simpson was so drunk last night ho was boasting of the delightful way his fiancee kissed!” “Yeh —but he soon sobered up when Fred agreed with him!” THE FOOT REST. A young man had bought a brand new motor cycle, and was demonstrating its powers to the lady of his heart, who was riding on the pillion. But suddenly the machine began to lag painfully, and try as he might, the youth was unable to make it go any faster. A swift examination of the engine yielded no results, and so they started off again. “I say,” remarked the girl, touching him on the shoulder, and pointing to the brake pedal, on which her foot was firmly pressed, “what a pity there’s not another foot rest on the other side, Fred.” * * * • GOLDEN COINS. It was his first visit to London, and Barney was overjoyed with himself. He had suddenly found a bright golden coin on the pavement. Another man, seeing the puzzled look on the Irishman’s face, offered him half-a-crown for the coin, and Barney jumped at the offer. Shortly after he mentioned the matter to a friend in the boardinghouse. “Heavens!" gasped the other. “That was a sovereign. It was worth a pound!” Two weeks later Barney once again espied a golden coin lying in the gutter. He crossed over to it. “Niver again,” he murmured. “The last time ye cost me seventeen an’ six, ve little chate!” • ♦ • # HOW HE KNEW. “Yours is a very healthy town, is if not?” inquired tlie lady tourist. “The most wonderful and healthgiving place in the world,” answered the robust inhabitant. “So I have heard,” assented the lady. “Do you know, madam, that when first I came here I was so weak that I couldn’t walk, weighed next to nothing, and as to my nerves, the least thing would reduce me to tears.” “You must be blessed with a wonderful constitution, sir. Now, I—” “Madame I can see that you are in a weak state, that you are run down. But I do assure you that you are a giantess compared to what I was when first I came to this healthy place.” “Have you, then, been here long, sir?” asked the lady, a faint note of hope in her voice. “I, madam ? I was born her e! ”

DEFENCE. There stood in the dock a big, burly artisan, a regular Hercules in point of stature, brought, up on a charge of assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm. “Prisoner,” said the judge, “have you engaged anyone to defend you?” “What’s that? I don’t want anyonfik Come on any half-dozen of you!” PERHAPS. A Scotsman, having heard of the wonderful results obtained by being able to rejuvenate, decided to have a course of this monkey gland extract. Ho had to make a long railway journey, and at the station booking office ho asked for a single ticket. When asked if he would take a return ticket the Scotsman replied: “No, I may come back as a child.” si * « • IN DOUBT. They sat at table, he and she, and gazed into each other’s eyes, whilst ho mechanically consumed the food which was set before him. “Ah,” she said, “I am glad you like it. Mother says that there are only two things I can made properly —potato salad and marmalade tart.” “Indeed,” he replied, “and which i» this?” • • • • SELDOM MISSED. I A certain dear old lady always made it her business to visit the poor patients . in the hospital of her town. On one occasion she approached a much bandaged individual who was sitting up in bed, and after a little preliminary talk she said to him, very feelingly: “I suppose your wife must miss you a good deal!” “No, mum,” camo the prompt reply; she’s got a wonderful aim for a woman.” THE RETORT COURTEOUS? Miss Penink wasn’t very popular iu the office, and had been cautioned by the head male clerk, and at last “reported” to the boss. As she camo back into the office from the “carpet,” she “set” the head clerk with a fixed stare. “Why are you looking so fixedly at me, Miss Penijik?” “A cat can look at a king,” she said. “But I’m not a king,” replied the head clerk. ■ Then the began to cry.