WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 19 May 1928, Page 20

WIT AND HUMOUR

“I'm tired of eating restauranta? “Why don’t you get married?” “I ans.* “If I were to jrive you a hundred pounds what would you do with ftt” “Count it.” Film Director (io Scotch actor): in this scene you give away a hundred dollars. Actor: Where’s my double? • • • ♦ “Tom looks a bit fed up. I think something must be preying on his mind.” “Don’t worry; it will die of starvation.” “Do you talk in your sleep?” “No; my wife says I’m perfectly exasperating —I only smile!” “Do you think your mother would object if I kissed you?” “Oh, Bobbie, I’m sure she wouldn’t hear of it!” • • • • Diner (finally): Anyhow, waiter, I won’t eat such food! You’d better fetch the manager. Waiter: That's no good, sir. He wouldn’t eat it! • • • • “Your daughter tells me your wire is having her voice cultivated.” “Yes! and did she tell you the rest of us were growing wild!” • 4 • « Lady Client: I want my eyes tested at once! X saw my husband going into a cinema with lim typist--and he says I didn’t! • • • • Flapper (bored to ext inrtion): Sanity, have you never kissed a girl in your life ? Sandy: Well, Ah must admit Ah did once in 1923, but let me add, in all fairness, that Al) apologised afterwards. Unprepossessing Aunt: “I’m sure you can’t gpiess in what year your uncle and 1 were married, Bobbie.” Bobbie: "No, but I’ll bet it was a leap year.” « • • » He was playing a very indifferent game of golf. For the third time that afternoon he had foozled his shot. Turning to the caddie, he remarked: “I think I’n) off my game to-day.” “Heavens,” said the caddie, “ban ye played before?” « * * • QUITE wrong. General: “Confould you, sir, why don’t you be careful?” Army Clerk: “What do you mean, sir'!” General: “Why, instead of addressing this letter to the Intelligence Officer, you have. addressed it to the Intelligent Officer. You should know there is no suck person in the army.” # » • • SOLVING IT. “I say; Jim,” inquired a young urchin of his companion, "what does ‘p.m.* mean them figures on shat there railway bill?” Jim responded, conscious of his own wisdom. “Why, penny a mile, o’ course! ’ “Well, and ‘a.m.’t” “Oh, that means —that means,” said Jim, hesitatingly, “That means ’’apenny a mils’!” 4 » 4 » INTO THE DARK. A man was having a trial run in om< of those very small cars. They started off through the streets of London. Suddenly the light of day vanished, to reappear a few seconds later. “Hullo,” said the surprised passenger, “was that a tunnel wc went under?” “No,” replied the surprised ppeETA “No,” replied the demonstration expert, carelessly, “that was an omnibus.” • • * • FOR HIM TO SAY. The Magistrate beat stem brows on the defendant. “You aro charged will) exceeding the speed limit,” he declared. “Are you guilty or not guilty ?” “Well, you can decide for yourself sir,” replied the prisoner. “1 was in that car yon overtook just before I got caught!” » * • * NEATLY CAUGHT. “Papa,” said a boy to his father. ■Well, my boy.” “Why do they ham white horses at a wedding?” ‘ White horse, my boy? Er er -that is, dear me—well. I’m afraid I can’t remember for the moment.” “To draw the carriages, papa, s** . * A woman waF talking with a friend about the athletic achievements of the latter’s Son. “Your boy must be an exceptionally fast runner; 1 see this morning’s paper states that ho ‘fairly burned up tho track under Ills record-breaking speed. I suppose you saw him do it! “No, 1 didn’t sec him do it, replied the boy's mother, 'but I saw the track this morning, and there was nothing but cinders there..” « 4 • 8 . NOT SPEAKING. His shipmates watched the sailor putting a bank sheet of paper in an envelope he had addressed to his wife. “What’s that for?” they asked. “Well,me an’ th’ mi..-:.- ’cd a row just afore I come aboard, an’ we ain't on speakin terms.”