WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 17 March 1928, Page 19

WIT AND HUMOUR

Caller: "I represent a society for the suppression of profanity. I want to take profanity entirely out of your life, and—” Householder: “Hey, mother. Here’s a man who wants to buy our car.” « • a * Visitor (in country hotel): “Wonder you don’t change the name of this hotel to the Prince of Wales!” Proprietor: “Oh, sir—but why!” Visitor: “Well, there were three feathers in my bed, anyway I ” a ft ft a She was insisting he should be a punter no longer. “But let me back just one more horse,” he pleaded. "I promise you it will be the last.” “It always is,” she retorted. ft • » # Mistress (to new maid): “Oh, Norah, how could you! You’ve broken one of my best china plates in two.” Maid: “That is a good day, mum. -I generally has to gather up the pieces in a dust-pan.” ft ft » • "It’s really very kind of you, Mr. Knight, to give me your seat,” said Miss Kay. “Not at all,” replied Mr. Knight, "we men are gettin; tired of being accused of being polite only to pretty girls.” # » # # “Don’t bring me any more bills,” said ' the husband in despair. “I can’t face them.” “I don’t want you to face them, darl- • ling,” replied the wife. “I only want you to foot them.” ft ft # ft First Amateur Yachtsman: “I say, old thing, I’m getting a bit uneasy. Why haven’t we sighted land yeti” Second Ditto: “I don’t know. Since you sat on the compass, I’ve had to steer by my chronometer,” ft ft ft ft “Is Mrs. Rice at home!” inquired Mrs. Chatters, standing in the shadow of the doorway. “I don’t know, ma’am,” the new maid replied. ‘“I can’t tell till I get a better look at you. If you’ve got a wart on the side of your nose, she’s out.” ’ft * # ft “From to-morrow,” said the doctor to Old Abe, “no alcohol, no tobacco, no theatres, no jazz, no cinema—” “But vat shall I do then!” asked Abe. “Perhaps then,” said the doctor, “you’ll save enough to pay for your last two consultations.” « ft « • Mistress (to new maid) —I believe, Anna, that you have had very little experience. Anna—Little experience when I’ve had seven places in three months! ft ft ft ft Miss Flat—l’m sorry you don’t think much of my voice, professor. The people next door say I ought to go abroad to study. Professor—Yes, but L don’t live next door. » ft ft ft A firm in Sydney was anxious to judge of the selling power of its salesmen. An intelligence test applied to the staff showed that not a single one knew how to sell anything. The firm had been misled for years by the mere fact that these men were successfully placing orders. ft • ft ft PAID HIM BACK. A man ran into a station, and was about to jump into a moving train when the guard intercepted him, exclaiming, “To late, sir; you can’t get into this train! ” “Well, if I don’t catch this train,” excitedly exclaimed the passenger, as he threw his arms round the guard in a powerful embrace, “you won’t, either.”

A TALKING TO. Mother, father, and Willie were in mid-channel. It was rather rough. Father did not feel too well, and neither did mother. Mother was also driven to distraction by the mischievous antics of the boy. Finally, she appealed to her husband, sa-' “Father, do speak to Willie.” And in a fain voice father said, “How are you, Willie!” # # ft • IHS FIRST QUESTION. Wife was reading the magazines. She looked up from an advertisement to ask her husband brightly how he would like to save a thousand pounds. “What does it cost!” ft ft ft ft VERY LOW. Friend (visiting hospital patient): “Do you know, old man, that’s a swell-look-ing nurse you’ve got!” Patient: "I hadn’t noticed.” “Good heavens! I had no idea you were so sick!” # ft • • THE THIRD TARTY. Alice: “I am engaged to both Harry and Bob.” Virginia: “Which one are yon going to marry I” “Fred! ” # * ft • THE NEW TRIANGLE. Bobby: “Come on, Freely! Mo an’ Jane’re gonna play mama an’ papa. Wanta be the little boy!” Freddy: "Naw—l wanta bo the lawyer.” ft ft ft ft HOW COME! Lion Tamer: “I hear there's been a scandal in the freak show.” Ring Master: “Yes, one of the Siamese twins discovered that her sister is leading a double life.”

UPS AND DOWNS. Jones: “How much do you charge for toboggan ridee?” Proprietor; “We have a eliding scale.” ft ft ft ft REVIVED. “Have you heard Brown's story of how ho scored off a taxi-driver yesterday!” “Yes; I told it to him the day before.”

REMEDY WORSE THAN DISEASE. A man went into a chemist’s shop and bought a bottle of some patent stuff which bore the legend: “No more’ coughs. Wo more colds!” Three days later he staggered into the shop and complained to the chemist that his throat seemed all stopped up, and he could hardly breathe. “And I’ve drunk all your cough mixture, too!” he added. “Drunk it! yelled the chemist. "Why, that’s an india-rubber solution to keep your boots watertight.” » • # • “I knew my wife lied to me when we were engaged.” “What do you mean!” “When I asked her to marry me she said she was agreeable.” ft * ft » LETTER PERFECT. An amateur theatrical company was arranging for the performance of a play that contained a rich variety of characters. Owing to this fact little progress was made with the cast—a few members of the company making a dead set at principal positions, while minor characters v. era going a begging. One rather vacuous looking youth made himself particularly obstructive, and brought down the wrath of a brother artist. “In my opinion,” exclaimed the latter, “young Jones must, in the interests of economv, take the part of Simkins the Fool.” “Why economy!” demanded Mr. Jones, indignantly. “Well, you see, my dear fellow,” was the quiet reply, “yon won’t need any touching up.” ♦ • • ft •

Hubby: “]lo you know where my slippers are!” Wife: "I haven’t the slightest idea,” Hubby; “I know that. But jfbora are w clipper