WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 11 February 1928, Page 19

WIT AND HUMOUR

“And whose are these skulls?” "The larger’ is that of the man who had this castle built.” “And the little one?” “The same lord when he was a boy.” • # * •

She was only a tailor's daughter, bu she suited me.

Woman: “No, I never feed tramps.”

Tramp: “I ain’t askin’ you to, lady, jus’ gimmie the food an’ I’ll feed myself.” ■s # # *

Customer: “Say, waiter, I ordered strawberry shortcake. Where are the strawberries ?” Waiter.: “That's what it’s short of, sir.”

Mrs. Green: “And whom does this statue represent ?” Artist: “That is Diana, executed in terracotta.”

Mrs. Green: “Oh, poor thing, how brutal they are in those outlandish countries.

Ned: “We'll be friends until the end. Ted: “Lend me ten shillings then.” Ned: “That’s the end.” • * e •

Visitor: “How does the land lie out this way?”

Native: “It ain’t the land that lies, it’s the real estate agents.”

* * » • Tiliie: “What would you call a man that hid behind a woman's skirt?” Willie: “An acrobat”

“How do you tune these jazz instruments ?” “You don't.” • * # *

Teacher: “Johnny, can you suggest anything for my severe headache?” Johnny: “Yeah, stick your head in a bucket of water three times and pull it out twice.” • • » •

A hungry man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waiter having brought the soup stood nearby gazing out of a window. “Looks like rain,” he eaid.

“Right you are,” replied the man. “and it tastes like dishwater.”

Father: “Do you know that your absent-minded professor tried to commit suicide yesterday.” Daughter: “Oh, did he succeed?”

Father: “No, when they found him he was sitting on the ladder wondering why he tied the rope around his neck.”

The speaker was delivering an eloquent address on the conservation of forests. “I don't suppose a single one of us here has ever done anything to preserve our great forests,” he said.

A meek little voice in the rear piped out, “I once shot a ■woodpecker, sir.”

A farmer tells of a city lad that wanted to work during vacation on his ranch. Richard was called one morning in winter before dawn. He was told to harness the mule and get ready to work. Now, the boy was too lazy to light a lantern, and in the darkness lie did not notice that the cow had walked into the stable with the mule. The farmer, impatient at the delay, shouted out, “Hey, what are you doing? Come on with that mule.”

“I can’t get the collar over the mule’s head,” Richard cried. “His ears are frozen.” * >» ■:» #

Some girls sniiie because they have a sense of humour; others because they have dimples.

Would-be Flapper: I go cold all over when I think of my fortieth birthday. Her Friend: Did something dreadful happen then, dear?

Magistrate (tersely): The next person who interrupts the proceedings will be sent home. Prisoner (loudly): Hurrah! # • • •

She: Freddy hasn’t been put at ight or taken a drink for three weeks. He: Turned, over a new leaf? “No; turned over a new car.” ■» • # #

Business Man: “Why did you leave your last position, Miss?” Fair “There was np future