WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 8 January 1927, Page 21

WIT AND HUMOUR

CARE NEEDED. “Six years ago,” said Smart, “I decided to -give up smoking and save i»y money.” “Very sensible of you,” said Sponger. “So I thought at the time. I set aside very week the amount I would have spent for cigars, and at the end of six years I found I had. £lOO in the bank.” “Good!” exclaimed Sponger. “Could you let me have—” “And a few days ago,” added Smart quickly, “the bank failed.” a * * * SAFETY FIRST. Judge: “What do you mean by running down this person in broad daylight on a perfectly straight stretch of road?” “Your Honour, my windshield was almost totally obscured with safetyfirst stickers.” * * * • A QUESTION OF DOUBT. The proprietor of the new store in a crossroads village was Isaac Cohen. Business was far from good, and Isaac stood at the door of his store one morning gazing gloomily at the all but empty street. A little girl, who had just turned the corner, paused uncertainly before him, a crumpled dollar bill in one hand. Instafitly Isaac was all smiles. “Say,” began the little girl, “does my mama owe you a dollar!” “She docs, she does!” exclaimed Isaac. “And —and —whose little girl are you?” * • ♦ • ALL THAT SAVED HIM. Gordon, seven years old, was playing bandit, and for some time had been staggering around as if badly wounded, without actually toppling over as a victim of the imaginary bullets of his playmates. A neighbour watching the game ealed to him: “Gordon, why don’t you fall down?” “I can’t,” answered the boy crossly; “I’m not allowed to. If I had on my old pants I’d have been dead long ago.” * * * • Highway Cop: Let me see your license. Motor Tourist: Marriage, car, driver’s, camp-fire, fishing, or hunting? Open tho license trunk, Maria. # ’ * * e CHANNEL SWIMMERS FREE. The bathing attendant at a certain South Coast resort is a person or some wit. Recently an elderly lady, who was making inquiries on behalf of her young niece, said to him, “How much is a bathing ticket, please!” “Well, mum,” came the quick answer, “sixpence for an ordinary dip, but if you’re swimmin’ the Channel, why, jump in and help yourself.” **' * * A model hpsband is one that doesn’t get his shins kicked under the table when company is present.

TINK’S CROSSWORD PUZZLE. Did you discover the hidden notice, in last week’s puzzle, Humans If you did, you will quite understand why the school-boys were so cheerful. Here is the solution: ACROSS. 1. First word of hidden notice (The). 2. Deeds (Acts). 0. Second word of hidden notice (School). 8. Third word of hidden notice (Io). 10. To peep or pry (Peer), 11. Ground grain (Meal), 13. Last word of hidden notice (Week). 15. Girl’s name (Ada). 10. Civil engineer (abbrev.) (C.E.). 17, Four word of hidden notice (Closed). 19. South American Sloth (Ai). 20. Exclamation (Ha). 21. Fifth word of hidden notice (For). 23. A small species of deer (Roe). 25. Pronoun (She). 27. Sixth word of hidden notice (A). 28. Termination (End). 29. Used in a camp (Tent). DOWN. 1. Neat, tidy (Trim). 2. Playing card (Ace). 9. Masticated (Chewed). 4. Ripped (Tore), 5. Very (So). 6. Bespatter with water er mud (Splash). 7. Sheet of water surrounded by land (Lake). 0, A largo eared seal (txro words) Sea Lion. 12. Fuss and bustle (Ado). 14. Resound (Echo). 17. Anxiety (Care). 18. Where the sun rises (East). 21. Marshy land (Fen). 22. Royal Academy (abbreviated) 4R.A).

USUALLY. Willis: Hid they raffle off the prizoi at the Church Fair! Gillis: Yes. Willis: Who got them? Gillis: Smith, the baker, won the loaf of bread; Jones, the hardware man, won the stove; Perkins, the farmer, won a dozen eggs, and the president of tho bank won the five-dollar gold piece. Mr. Juggs: Have the Benders been married long? Mrs. Juggs: No, I don’t believe so; they’re still keeping a budget. * » • • Insurance Examiner: “You say you j never had an accident. How about the time you were bitten by a dog?” Applicant: “That wasn’t an accident. The dog did it on purpose.” * # ♦ • Nervous Old Lady: “Guard, I hope there won’t be any collisions.” Railway Guard: “Oh, no fear, mum.” Nervous Old Lady: “I want you to be very careful. I’ve got two dozen eggs in this basket.” » # • * Magistrate: “You are sentenced to two months in prison. Have you anything to say.” Prisoner: “Yes, sir. Will you please telephone iny wife that I shall not bo home for dinner!” » * • # Husband: ‘What a splendid dinner you have to-night.” Wife (complacently): “Yes, dear; I thought it would please you.” Husband: “What kind of a dress are you thinking of getting!” • • * • “How did you ever get caught in such a compromising position, Betty.” “Well, he wanted to see what colour my eyes were.” “That's harmless enough.” “Yes, but he’s so terribly near-sight-ed.” • « « • Amateur Golfer: “Caddie, I’ve discovered what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve been standing too near the ball as I strike it.” His Caddie: “I don’t think that's what wrong, sir. You’re too near the ball after you’ve struck it.” A man found himself at a teetotal banquet. He suffered patiently until dessert arrived, when a neighbour pressed him to have some grapes. “No, thank you,” he growled, “ 1 don’t take my wine in pills.” * * • • Tramp: “Won’t you give a little something to an old hero of the battlefields? I have survived four wareStranger (handing him some money) t 'TIow did you do it!” Tramp (after pocketing the money) I “Kept out of ’em.”

24. Newspaper chief (abbreviated), (Ed). 26. Pronoun (He). As you sec, the notice read: “The School is closed for a week.” Now let’s try another. It is called “To-day’s Garden Note,” and tho old gentleman—he looks like a doesn’t he—is a little mystified by it, Can’t seem to understand it at all. Bee it you can find out what the “Garden Note” is. The sentence is hidden in the puzzle. Here are the clues: ACROSS. L To xist. 3. First word of hidden sentence. 5. Exclamation. 7. A limb. 9. Floor mat. 10. Walked. 12. Detest. 13. Second word of hidden sentence, 14. Fourth word of hidden sentence Ifi. Head covering. 17. Indefinite article. 19. To entreat. 20. 1 ae played on horseback. 23. ve oi Arabia. 24. Not out. 25. Dark, oily liquid. 27. Preposition. 28. Kind of table. 29. You and I (reversed). DOWN. 1. Stick used by conductor !n beat jng time. 2. To blunder. 4. Preposition. ■ 5. Little House. 0. A deputy. 8. A human being. 9. Thin slice of bacon. 11. Third word of hidden icntenetb 12. Pronoun. 10. Precious stone. 18. A short letter. 19. Last word of hidden sentence 20. A deep hole In the ground, 21. Upon. 24. Ornamental knot. 20. Because.