WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 18 December 1926, Page 21

WIT AND HUMOUR

c FAMILY CARES.

A little beggar of twelve years accosted a lady. “Charity, if you please, kind lady,” said he. “I have a wife and three children to support.” “But you’re not old enough to bo married, my child,” was the astonished woman’s answer.”

“No, but my brother is,” explained tho boy. “It’s his wife and three children I have to support.”

• * * • STILL IN WANT.

A man called on the Mayor of a small town. “You may not know my he said, “but twenty years ago, 1 was a poor boy in this town, you gave me a five-pound note, and said: ‘Go ahead, boy, and when you’ve made good return to your home. I can wait for the five-pound note’. Well —” “Yes,” said the Mayor, with interest. "Well, here I am. I suppose yon don’t happen to have another fiver on you?” • « • « CAUSE FOR CONGRATULATION.

"Bang!” went the rifles at the army manoeuvres. “00-o!” screamed the pretty girl—a nice, decorous, surprised little scream — as she stepped backward into the arms of a young man. “Oh,” she said, blushing, “I was frightened by the rifles; I am awfully sorry.” “Not at all,” said the young man. “Let’s go over and watch the artillery.”

Wife at the head of stairs: Is that you, John? Heavy voice from Dark: Who was you expectin’?

When a woman appears to worship the very floor on which her husbands treads it is probably because she hates cigarette ash on it.

The story is told of two opposing English politicians who met in the Parliamentary lobby and smoothed over their differenced in a friendly talk. But tho Opposition fangs did not remain in very long.

“Why is it that you always heap coals of fire on my head, comrade?” asked the Socialist M.P.

“I heap coals of fire on your head because I love the smell of a wood fire!" was the Tory retort. * • * ♦

A Tonic for a Young Child. —If a baby or young child is run down, raw meat juice is a splendid tonic. Put about 2oz of steak fresh in a jar, cover with cold boiled water and a pinch of salt, and leave it to stand twenty minutes, then pour the liquor off, give it to the child. If an older child, give in a red wine glass. Sugar may be added if the child refuses it without.

Bamboo furniture should be cleaned with warm water and salt and polished with a soft cloth.

SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER.

The city detective had been sent out to a small country town to investigate an epidemic of minor burglaries. Approaching the oldest inhabitant, the sleuth said: “Seen any suspicious eharaeers about here recently?” “Ay, by goom, I have,” responded the aged rustic, “there wor a feller with a travellin’ curcus ’ere last week, and he took a pair o’ rabbits out of my whiskers.” » * * * OLD MASTERS.

Eminent Musician: “Well, sir, what do you think of my compositions?” Critic: “Probably they will be played long after the masters are forgotten.” Eminent Musician: “Really!” Critic: -“Yes, but not before.”

“Why were you dismissed?” asked a friend of a dejected looking secretary. “I insisted on writing ‘show’ with an “e,” was the answer, “and so my boss said: “If you like it that way I’ll shew you the door, and sew you can gew.” “Well, what do you knew about that,” ejaculated his slangy friend.

Scene: A shoe store. The owner sees a Swedish clerk throw a pair of brand new shoes in the wpste basket. Boss: What’s the idea of throwing those shoes away?

Clerk:. They bane no gude. I try them on Bix fellers already and they don’t fit no one.

Wife—l’ve put your shirt on the clothes-horse, Jim. Jim—What odds did you get?

“Your work is quite original?” “Oh, yes, Professor. Even the spelling is my own. • « • •

“Has your wife a lot of relatives?” “Yes, indeed! I feel just like I had married into the four hundred.”

Magistrate: What happened after the prisoner gave you the first blow? Witness: He gave me a third one. Magistrate: You mean a second one? Witness: No, I gave the second one.

Ethel (to rejected suitor): He’s so romantic. Whenever he speaks to me he starts “Fair Lady.” George (tersely): Oh, that’s force of habit. He used to be a tramcar conductor. * • * •

Light Literature: Gas Bills. • • • •

To remove bruises from furniture, wet the part with warm water; double a piece of brown paper several times, soak it in warm water and lay it on the bruise; then apply a warm (not hot) iron until the moisture has evaporated. If the dent is not raised to the surface repeat the process.