WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 4 July 1925, Page 18

WIT AND HUMOUR

PROMOTED. “Please, madam,” asked, the pretty nursemaid, “may I have to-morrow oil to see my aunt?” Before her mistress could reply little Peggy added a plea of her own. “Oh, please let her, mummy!” she cried excitedly. “Her aunt’s just been made a sergeant.” « » • • IN A HURRY, “Nothing can be done well that is done in a hurry,” declared a pompous individual in a railway carriage one morning lately. “How about catching a train?” asked a man at his elbow. There was silence. SAFE BIND. Smith: ‘"Brown wants to borrow live pounds. Is he good for that amount.” Jones: “Yes, with proper securities.” Smith: “What securities would you suggest ?” Jones: “A chain and padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a dog.” IT WASN'T FAIR. Little Molly had been to church for the first time. “What did you think of it?” asked her father on her return. “It wasn’t bad,” she replied; “but I thought it as rather unfair.” “What was unfair?” said the mystified father. “Why, that one man should do al! tlie work, while the other came round and got all the money.”

' QUITE GENTEEL. Mrs. James had just moved into the neighbourhood, and it was her first meeting with the local sewing circle. As the conversation turned on the absent men, one of the members said—- “ What does your husband do?” “Oh,” said Mrs. James, “he is manager of a pail factory.” “Pail factory?” said the other. “Why, I didn’t know we had such a factory in town. Where is it situated ?” “Well,? replied Mrs. James, “my busband calls it a bucket shop, but 1 think pail factory sounds much better.” « ♦ ♦ * The married man who misses his train home usually catches it. ft « * * ‘She’s a violinist; don’t you think so?” “I wish she were.” « ♦ * » There are only two sides to a story when men quarrel. When women quarrel there may be a dozen. • • * • ■Politeness is like an a’ir cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it makes the jolts less noticeable. The motorcar that makes the most noise isn’t always the best; and the same applies to people we meet. Respect everylbody ’« feelings; even your washerwoman’s. However much you may want to know her address, never ask her where she “hangs out.”

Willie: “I say, father, what is an egotist?” Father: “An egotist, my son. is a man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself!” ON THE HONEYMOONMrs. Newly (dreamily;: “We two are one, now, aren’t we, dear?” Mr. Newly (going oxer the hotel bills): “1 suppose so. I wish I could make the hotel people see it.” A man usually gets the last word in an argument with his wife because she gives it to him.

NO HURRY. Grocer’s Assistant: “Shall I ordet some more fresh eggs?” Grocer: “No; we have enough fresh eggs in stock to last for a couple of months.” • • • • TACTFUL. Mother: “So you would like mJ daughter for your wife?” Suitor: “Partly that, madam, and partiv that vou may be my mother-in-law.” DID HER BEST, HMary,” said the mistress sternly, “I believe you were entertaining a man in tile kitchen last night.” “Well, mum,” replied Mary, “that's for him to say. 1 was doing my best with the materials available.” THOROUGH. “Doctor,” said the wealthy patient, “I want you to be thorough and strike at the root of the disease.” “I will,” said the do.ctor, and brought his stick down with a erash on a decanter standing on the sideboard, WRONG BOTH WAYS. “I am sorry, but Mr. Benson is very busy just now, sir.” “Well, I didn’t ask to see him; I asked to see Mr. Johnson.” “That's just it; you see Mr. Benson is very busy, engaged talking to Mr. Johnson.”

There may be better things in this old world than money, but it takes money to buy them.

PROVING IT. She: “Are you fond of music, MR Sharpzinflatz?" He: “Very fond, miss. Didn't you see me leave the room when tho young man began to sing?” WHY THESE THINGS ARE. “Father, why do giraffes have sucll long necks?” “In order that they may feed from the tops of trees,” replied the father. “But why,” asked the son, “are tho trees so high?” “In order that the giraffes may be able to eat,” was the reply. He: “Did you ever hear that Jag» son’s wife speaks two languages?" She: “Yes.” He: “What are they?” She: “The one for company and the other for Jagson.” GOODNESS OVERDONE. Fanny: “Why are you crying, love* I should think you would be very happy engaged to such a nice young man as he is.” Annie: “Oh, I’m afraid he won’t ba true to me.” Fanny: “Why, he’s very very good isn’t ho ?” “Yes, but I’m afraid he’s too good to be true.” Binick: “Why do blushes creep over girls’ faces?” Cynic: “Because if they ran they would kick up too much dust.”

GEOMETRICAL. Mrs. White: “Don't you know Mrs. Grey ? She lives in your square.” Mrs. Black: "Yes, but she’s not in my circle.” HARD TO SWALLOW. Down at Maiini one day a cry of “Shark! shark!” sent all the bathers ashore in haste —all but one man. When asked why he was so foolhardy, he said—- “ See my bathing-suit. My wife made it. Here in front is the Stars and Stripes, and on the back is ‘We won tlu- war.’ No shark would eve. swallow thall’*