WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume L, Issue 60, 27 July 1907, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

IIE WAS. Chaplain: This is your third time in this prison. Are vuu not ashamed to have you see your friends here?" Abashed convict: Indeed 1 am. The prison is disgraceful. The reception-room smells like a tap-room, the cells are as dark as caves, I lie governor is no gont'eman, and the table is not fit to sit down to. Ashamed to lnve my friend - come here'/ lam mortified every time I see them; but what can I do?

A~L GLASS. "Dear," she said tremblingly, as she nestled against him on the moonlit beach on the first night of their honeymoon, "i have a secret to tell you." "What is it?" he hissed tragically. "Can you "ever forgive me for deceiving you?" she subbed. "My left eye is made of glass?" "Oh!" he murmured, with a sigh of relief, "don't say any more, dearest; so are the diamonds in your engagement ring!" When she heard that she said a great deal about man's deceit. AN APRIL 1 JOKE. There is a private telephone in tlie ofliee of Mr Binks, and when that gentleman answered the call on a certain memorable date, the following conversation took place: "Are you Binks; No 000?" ••Yes."

"1 am the inspector. Your 'phone is not working properly, and I want to make some tests, l'lease stand over to the right a yard and shout 'Hullo!"' Mr Binks did as directed. "Now stand about two yards to the left, and shout again." Binks complied. "Now stand right in front and shout as hard as you can." Bfnks raised a yell loud enough to be heard a mile away. • "Good. Now, you Balmy idiot, stand on your head and whistle!" Then it dawned on Binks that it was the Ist of April.

POOR CHAT. Successful suitor (joyfully): Well, I j have won Miss King. She sent me a I beautiful east of lior hand, labelled, 'Twns mine; 'tis yours.' Disconsolate rival (sneeringly): Well, why didn t she finish the quotation, 'And lias been salve to thousands' ? PLEASED I-IIM. "What's you fare?" asked old l'lintskin ol his cabby the other day, and was met with the stereotyped reply: ell, sir, I will leave I hat to you." "Thank you! you are very kind," said old F.. buttoning up hi pockets and walking oil', "you are the first person who has ever left me anything."

I.WLT TO IN'Jfl!v. _ A ftmtli Island paper lias (he following: "Tile young man wjio came into this "Hire yesterday, sat down on a box, and immediately allerwards jumped up with an unearthly yell and lied from (lie office. is requested to bring back the four ! brass-headed tacks that, were standing on the box when he took his sen!. ,\ T U questions will lie asked." CAN YOU ? can (ell the Soda-water Mail—by his phiz. The, Temperance Man—by his no's. The Conceited Mail—by' his T's. The Surveyor—bv his feet. The Captain of Tnduslry—bv bis hands ''lie Military Aran- by his arms. . The .Miserly Aran- bv his chest. The Tourist—by bis Ininl,-. I lie T):iirv Alan ■ by his calves.

SMART. His Worship: Whatever could you have been thinking of to steal the lieep? The prisoner: T dunno, your Worship: 1 suppose T must h:r been wool gutlieriii'. TTTK WORM TT'TIXKT). Architect: Wow, where would you prefer th" di'-iwing-room, sir? Mr StruekTic: Look here. youncr man, I've let you put up a smoking-room, when T don't smfSße: a music-room, when T couldn't play a mouth-organ: a nnrserv. when T ain't s?ol no nurse: and a nantrv. wle>n T don't pant: but I'm rroi'"r to cut n line at a drawing-room, when 1 can't draw a straight line!

VTVTD. The concert was over. Outside in the street, carriages that had been waiting patiently for the past half-hour were being tilled like magic. In the Green Room the singers delighted at the enthusiastic reception by the audience, were telling stories of'their past performances. " I was singing a pretty song once," ' said lone. "It was called -Row, Brothers, row, the stream runs fast,' and when I was half-way through, the audience were bending backwards and forwards, and 'pulling' for all they were worth."

"My dear chap, that's nothing," said another vocalist. "Why, at my last | concert I sang 'The Last Post,' aiul the hole house began to lick imaginary stamps, and rushed out to the first pillar [box, so as to be sure not to miss the last collection!"

*o one offered further reminiscences, If" 1 ' one and «U recognised that tliev had msUkeis match,