Facts and Fiction

Colonist, Issue II, 8 December 1857, Page 4

Facts and Fiction

YANKEE NOTIONS ABOUT THE COMET.

It would seem from the following, taken from the Philadelphia Evening Journal, that the telegraph wires were kept in lively operation on the day of the expected arrival of the comet:— THE COMET —MINUTE AND PARTICULAR ACCOUNT OF ITS TRIP, AND THE OBSTRUCTIONS IT MET WITH. 7 a.m., June 13, 1857. We have not yet heard of the comet. Inquiry at every available point has elicited nothing new. Bets are offered two to one that the visitor will not arrive. Six reporters—dispatched to the State House Steeple, the High Church Observatory, and the City Shot Tower, Smith's Island, Manayunk, and the Almshouse—have returned without any information. The one sent to Manayunk, a short, stout man, thought he saw a piece of the 1 tail, and tried to stand upon his dignity to get a better view. It wouldn't support him, the tail escaped, and ho was brought home on a gravel train. Great excitement exists at the Almshouse; the paupers refuse the fare,, declare it unfair, and say that if the comet strikes they will join with it. At Smith Island four men have ensconced themselves in an Evans and Watson fireproof safe, with provisions for a month, .and a keg of' lager.' Later—lo o'clock a.m. The following despatch is just received from Squankum, New Jersey:— " June 13, a.m. "Messrs. Editors, —Work has ceased. The people have just completed a hole in the sand two and a quarter miles in dept. The tail of the comet will be run into this and immediately secured by a chain of circumstances. The luminous head will then be used during the coming summer to illuminate the coutry. —Lux." A very good idea—the tail might be split into pieces and used for opening Jersey claims. They turn everything to. account in that kingdom over the water. Still no news of the serial visitor in this city of Love. Thermometer at 81 deg. in the shade, and four ladies seen in the streets without hoops. Significant! Our reporter has just returned from consulting a spiritual medium. Reporter pretty near became a medium himself—very fond of spirits. Says that the rapper declares progress, having just been conversing with Thomas Paine. Paine advises the steam fire-engine be put in readiness, with an editorial from the "Daily Blower" on the top to keep it down, and enable it to sustain the shock. Thomas also thinks that the comet is now passing the " Great Bear" preparatory to a descent upon the little Bears of the Stock Exchange. (Note for the comet —don't forget the Bulls.) " ■ Still later—l 2 o'clock a.m. Great sensation everywhere — crowds rushing to Vine-street —comet plainly visible in the north-west —large fiery round body —tail not perceptible—alarm bell struck—six of our debtors pay up, and ask forgiveness. * * . * * IJshaw —The comet turns out to be a redhaired girl hanging out clothes on top of a house; great disappointment; the six debtors aforesaid come back and want to borrow. Thermometer 83 deg. Another telegraphic despatch:— "Washington Observatory, noon.. " The air smells of sulphur; attributable either to William Walker, or his associate, or the approaching comet. More anon.— M. F. Maury." Later yet, 1 o'clock p.m. Sweltering! Rush for Smith's Island ! and Point Airy. Arrival of the German Musical Society from Reading. The Trombone reports having examined a curious looking serial body about forty miles above Manayunk. His report is interesting:— " Yen ich fertzig meilen var fonder Ma- ; nayunk, den haben ich gesechen un der hoche, elder tremendous great big comet. Es gaet noch der erde." The Trombone promises further disclosures, which we await with anxiety. 2 o'clock p.m. Mrs. Hornvan, the great planet reader, having been consulted (fee 1 dollar—no deadheads), give information calculated to cause sinners to shake in their shoes. She says, " The end of the world is coming!" Our reporter left, and has since taken to read his catechism with avidity. His crei ditors will please call and receive their money. Half-past 2 o'clock, p.m. As we go to press we learn the most astounding tidings. A despatch by an oyster sloop on the Delaware reports an earthquake on Reedy Island, and the destruction of the quarantine station. Sixteen property men from different New York and Philadelphia theatres were'at the spot, trying to bottle up for use the numerous blue and red fires that were "gushing from the water. The earthquake was progressing northward up the Delaware, and the comet was following in the air just above it. Its couductor (seated on its tail) expressed an intention to " make a hit" on the residence of bodysnatchers, anti-city railroad men, Mormons, spiritualists, fortune-tellers, and black-legs. P. 5.—2*36 minutes p.m.—The comet has stuck fast in the mud in the streets just below the navy yard. Blessed be the street commissioners!

(From the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin.) THE COMET —IMPORTANT INTELLIGENCE — SPECIAL DESPATCHES OF THE BULLETIN. Constellation of the Southern Cross, June 13, 9 a.m. The comet has just come across the South Pole. He looks as if he had had a stroke of the sun. South Pole, 9| a.m. The comet's tail came in contact with the pole and slightly damaged it, besides deranging the wires. No lives lost, and nobody to blame, as the accident was unavoidable.

Orion, 10 a.m.

The equinoctial line is out of order, so that we have no intelligence from the comet. Leo, 10£ a.m. The comet has just passed and announced that he is bound to strike some of the smaller planets of the solar system, but whether Mercury, Venus, Mars, the Earth, or Uranus, it is impossible to say; most probably the latter. Wall-street, New York 11 a.m. Jacob Little has just received a private despatch from the Great Bear, who says the comet's sure to strike. The consequence is a great decline in Erie and New York Central. Nothing yet heard from Taurus, and the bulls are waiting anxiously. Luna, 12 a.m. The comet is come near, and presents a very striking appearance. Later. The man in the moon has been struck. It is feared that the moon cannot shine alongside the comet. Still later. The man has recovered and struck back. Result doubtful. Later than ever. The comet is evidently damaged. A writ de hnatico inquirendo will have to be taken out. Arctic Circle, 1 p.m. The North Pole has been knocked down by tne comet, and the-line is out of order. Send on a Pole of some kind, exiled, hoop, or fishing, to repair damages. Washington, 2 p.m. President Buchanan has issued a proclamation warning the comet off, and threatening to send an expedition against him. General William Walker has been closeted all morning with the President, and will probably command the expedition. Of course the comet will not dare to touch the earth, and no more fears need be entertained. One of the laws of Paris is, that no dog shall go at large without a muzzle. Once upon a time a man was brought up for infringing it. In defence he alleged that his* dog had a muzzle. ' How is that ?\ quoth the justice. 'Oh,' said the defendant, *the act does not say where the muzzle should be placed, and as I thought the animal would like the fresh air, I put it on his tail.' Sanitary Inteligence.—A vener&ble matron of the Gamp School has addressed to us an appeal, complaining of the cost of constructing harbours of refuge, by which term she apparently means sewers.— Punch. A gentleman of Alabama was lying in bed one morning, when a friend stepping in, said:— * P——, breakfast is coming on.' 'Let it come/ exclaimed P , with a look of defiance, * I am not afraid of it.* The Height of Impudence.—An editor, who had been fined several weeks in succussion for getting ;drunk, coolly proposed to the judge that he should take him by the year at a reduced rate. Quite True.—lf .girls-would have roses, in their cheeks, they must do as the roses do—go to sleep with the lillies, and get up with the morning glories. Reasons for Thinness.—'Thisis George the Fourth,' said an exhibitor of wax work for the million, at threepence each, pointing to a very slim figure, with a theatrical crown on his head. ' I thought he was a very stout man,' observed a spectator. 'Very likely,' replied the man shortly, not approving of the comment of his visitor; 'but if you'd a been here without victuals half so long as he. has, you'd a been twice as thin.'