Literature.

Colonist, Issue 3, 30 October 1857, Page 1

Literature.

MEMOIRS OF A STOMACH; * Every man's stomach is his own private affair. Nevertheless, however peculiar ■ iii'ay be that human sac —(with some folks, aldermen for instance, it is not so /much a sac as a carpet bag,)-— to the1 human animal, of which it isa; most important portion, there are general rules applicable to the human stomach at large; certain comprehen-; sive laws not to be broken without endurance of certain penalties. Now, this very pleasant ; stomach history before us, very physiologically and withal very philosophically allowing for every man's peculiarity of every man's stomach, treats on stomachs in general with a wisdom that is none the less readily taken down, because it is a wisdom recommended with a syropy pleasantness. The Minister of the Interior (nominal editor of the Memoirs) is a minister, at once sagacious and waggish : perhaps with more real fun in him than • any minister since the time that the Right Hon. Mr. Walpole did, the " Home Office for Derby, who did. the nation in general, and the dockyards in particular. We shall let the Stomach speak for jtself; and first for its personal appearance :— My personal appearance, I must acknowledge, is ; not prepossessing, as. I resemble a Scotch bagpipe in form, the pips part being the oesophagus or gullet, and the bag myself. I often wish there.were more '} stops," especially when I am-played upon' by gluttony, and perhaps there would have been, could I give vent to noises similar to those of the Caledonian instrument, whose strains are so terrible, that the brave Highlanders are said to rush'into battle to escape them. Ordinarily, the trials of a Stomach begin very early: generally with weaning by a sybil of a nurse, deep in Daffy's:—• V ; : The sweet ahnondy taste of the delicious food-my poo",mothcrgave me-was changed to a sort of London milk, slightly impregnated with Geneva. The tricks • this woman, played -were frightful. The doctors ibid her to drinkporterj and so she did, and every other sorb of liquor in the bargain, to be obtained at the public-house. The worst of it wa? I had no redress, but I took care tolet everybody participate in ray" disgust, by inciting my neighbouring arms and legs to kicks and contortions; slid to the small voice which dwelt upstairs., I-. suggested such shrill cries, as made every pardon in the house detest the litt c body of which I was the centre. . . The Stomach' is. next punished with breadsop :— ■ I believe ":my innocent attendants imagined they were giving me ground corn. Corn, indeed! Why, when I came to test it by the aid of my pdwerful machine of ahalysis-^a machine so strong I cou d dissolve a marble, and tell you its component : parts— when, I say, I came to test it by a strong acid, I found that there was not more than, twenty psr cent, of flour in the whole composition, the, remainder being made, of a common sort of starch", a'um, ground bones, potato flour, and often plaster of Paris. In a penny bun lately analysed were found three grains of alum and ten of chalk; and in others plaster of Paris., , • The Stoniaclv has its first cigar :— , Yes, reader," smoke; the smoke from a most deadly weed ; a spirit, I .of evil. usheredJn.igjv.fire, and exorcised by sickness! Nature made it nauseating-^poisonous; but man, combating with the penalty sha placed, upon his use of it,.puffs .-.away, through existence; and this first specimen I received •■ was ; the* puff preliminary. Repetition overcame my dislike to the taste; and at length, with the true philosophy of my.race, I endured that which could not be cured ; t . and though ultimately cigars and pipes subscribed their share with other evils in injuring the system and drying up thenjuices of the body, still I shared the ill, with, my adjacent brother--hood.; and personally T received the injury and insult with the dignity of a Stomach conscious of his own rectitude. ■ , ■ -■ : . : The Stomach in love! When, Cupid skewers •the heart, is is wonderful what mischief is played with all the secretions. In fact, it is not the heart that suffers, but the liver.. Heart, : however, is more poetic, For instance, how oddly would it sing,: a, liver for-.falsehood framed!" "When hollow livers wear a mask," and so forth:—• '■■' '.'" , , Reader,- 1 fell inlove. Now, I'beg that I may not be laughed at for this confession; but let me tell you a stomach has a heart, and a very tender one too. The worst part .of 'the '■ 'affsir was that, like1 the great potentates of the earth, I was obliged to promise' my affections, to an object. I h/>d never seen. It is true Mr. Brain gave me an inkling of her- likeness; but'the reader wil see at once, from the nature of.my position, that I was not capable of. visional contemplation. Upon this point, indeed, I was so much interested, that I longed, to knock away the plaster between the.; ribs, and get a glance at the lady; ;but as such a.pro 7 ceeding would have been unjust to others, I sat like Pyramis behind a wall,'without even a'chink through which to look at Thisbe. I soon discovered that ..the damsel, who was tlie cause of this internal commotion (for there was not a poition of the whole body-but. which was influenced in someway or other) : was nothing better than an hosier's daughter, living near the university.. . ■■-... : : ■:.'■ , : .... c, . ' : In the billing and-;cooing season, especial care should be taken of the Stomach as the great organ of the tender passion :^r- .. ; My advice to every lover, therefore, is, take care of your Stomach, for his influence is greater than you imagine; and I feel perfectly, T persuaded, that more lov.e matches have been broken off; owing to this very respectable; organ than to any other .cause., It .is ail. yer c y well to term the reasons for remaining single-^ prudence, and thrnecespiiy of providing means' to keep your carriage and servants, and all that sort of thing; but the truth is, a derangement of the digestive powers makes both men ■and' women petulant; over-sensitive, sceptical, and ; fastidious, and it engenders a' host of other ill qualities, erroneously thought to emanate from the brain- or';liver. • The ancients were- wrong, when they attributed to this last organ the seat of the affections; and the moderns arc equally so in debiting love to the account of the heart. The stomach is the vlie real source of that sublime passion, and I swell with pride and inward satisfaction when I make the avow? 1: ■ ■ The stomach preaches a sermon on Diet, the golden text of which is—Moderation :— Undoubtedly, all stomachs have their own peculiar idiosyncrasy; and Ido not pretend to put my&elf up as an authority upon all dietetic matters, but certain doctrines I will never give up, upon a principle of obstinacy entirely 'in}' own. Those especial points of my obstinacy may 'be summed up in a few general rules; arid tlu first is, moderation. With this as your weapon you nvy defy the De octois. Secondly, if by any chance you should .sacrifice to Epicurus a little too devotedly, all I ask is to give me rest, that I may profit by that grand and beautiful law, the " vis medic-ttrix naturaj,'" which often p.-oves fo great a friend to the medical practitioner, that even, in hpite of physic, lie reap:-) all the credit and reward of nature's cxci tions. Thiidly, never resort for advice, when ailing, to such medical men as prescribe large doses, for they know no more of the modus operandi of the most simple drug than moles do of astronomy. It is true th?t they are aware that ceit-iin physics hive certain effects, such as those that are drastic, those which are opiates, those which act upon the skin, or on the glandular tissues, &c., &c.; but they are profoundly ignorant (and will admit it) of the cause and manner of action.. The most chidish. question will puzzle the most learned Hippocrates. Why does opium, for instance, act, diametrically oppusite upon two different constitutions; to the one it is p. sedative, the other'it excites. Yet how often does a physician prescribe opium the very first time the patient consults him, before lie has ev.er attempted to enter into the diagnosis of his complauit. Experience has informed them of a few species, i. c, of certs in * Memoir? of a Stomach. Written by himself, that all who Eat may Read. With Notes critical and explanatory, by a Minister of the Interior, W. E. Painter, 3-12, Strand.

effects under the administration of certain drags, and; upon such data has been constructed one of the most rgL-tvingly false- systems ever built up.. Wliy doc=i the, bite ot; the cobra kiu a msn ? What U hydrophobia W.hy doea . Peruvian baric,- in most' cases, alleviate -ague-? .Why does mercury produce salivation? Why does iodine act upon the glriids? Nay. tell us why Epsom salts is a ep.tlmw'? With many of tlie simplest quo tions in medicine the whole faculty is at logger-' heads; and just in. the stmc way, that before Sir Ibaao Newton's time people saw apples fall to the ground without knowing the reason thereof, so are medical practitioners aware 01' certain sure results, patent to every one, without knowing the why and wherefore, which to them are as the Eleusinian mysteries. Far be it for an humble Stomach like myself to attach any degree of culpability to this ignorance. The subfio and hidden causes, by which nature works in the human system, must ever defy human scrutiny, till the discovery of some giand principle (like that of tlie circulation or'the blood) gives a fiesh clue to further knowledge; <*nd this can only accrue from the patient system of observation and experiment which IJacon insists upon, and which is now 'more than ever become tlie recognised method of pursuing science. The Stomach eloquently vindicates its capabilities of refined susceptibilities; contending tha^ the purest intellects give a tono'to the' sac; a harmony to the human, bag-pipe :—* A cow's ftomach digests in its own peculiar way aiimi-ably for the necessities of a cow. A gizzard docs ihe duty of mastication for the bird tribe.- A boa constrictor's slow woi king apparatus is exceedingly well adapted for that gentle animal; and the inside of many insects is as complicated as their life varied, and is nice y calculated to serve them caith, air, or water. Now, the stomach of a liun being is equally congenial to insn's nature, and ." higher his intel ectual faculcies the more sensitive j . ' delicate 3s his inside. In organic structure it is o* course i the same in all men; aVI a Hottentot's dig. tive organs and those of Sir Is'ac Newton's would j . - sent identical conformations, but tlie sympathy of ■'. ■ nervous energies m:-rk the subtle difference. Then ,-. I again affirm that the moral acts upon the physii -1, and vice versa, by the most delicate sympathy, i i\<l wonderful laws. All men possessing stomachs, and valuing V,% possession according to its meritorious claims, if, / consult our Minister of the Interior for much mi ws equally agreeable and useful'discourse. The Cujrrkncy.—ln reference to a quotat'«"-i\ made in the Journal of June sth, from the Wi -.- minster Review, to the effect that the withdrav. Cof a certain sum from the circulation ought not ru interfere with prices, or disturb trade, since largo " accounts are settkd without any cash passhig at all, a London correspondent makes the following remarks :—' In order to show the error of the reviewer, suppose I keep an account at the Bank of England, and that I owe Mr. Brown £1000, who likewise banks there. I pay him with a cheque, and this, on being presented, is charged" to my account, and placed to the credit of Mr. Brown $ a debt of a thousand pounds being thus paid and received by means of a few strokes of the pen, and without the passing of a single farthing. _ This transaction would seem to confirm the reviewer's theory; but what would become of it if Iliad not i'looo in the hank ? The case is the same with all accounts that are settled by means of books and figures. The money is somewhere, though it is not handed about; and therefore the disturbance of the currency, by adding or withdrawing millions of pounds to or from the circulation, does produce the mischief so much felt in the commercial world, and the reviewer has only added another error to the thousand and one that already existed on this important question.' LTow a Sun-Stroke Affects MAN.-^The general impression is that death by sun-stroke is very painful, but the contrary would seem to be the fact, judging; from the following account of the effect of such a visisation, given by General Sir Charles J. Napier. Ha experienced an attack while in Scinde. where th<s . thcrmom'eter, according to General Napier himself, was of as much use to him as it would, have been to a boiling lobster, and wrote as follows to one of hisj daughters:—"The sun-stroke was a staggerer; yefc my hope is to die by one, for never can death come in an easier shape. I was just deadly sleepy; it was deadly h?d I been left alone ; but the only feeling of the transition would have been a tiredness, like that experienced at being suddenly waked up before time! This was to a degree almost to be called' painful, then came a pleasant drowsiness, with anger that the doc-! tors would not let me sleep. Were it not for others, would that my horn had then sounded; so easy, so delightful, I may say, was the approach of death.". This resembles the accounts that have been given by men who have been saved from freezing to death, after having got far down into the dark valley; so that the excess of heat and excess of cold produce pre- . cisely the same effects, "' Dr. Beaufume'u Smoke-Consuming. Apparatus.— : By this invention upwards of forty per cent, of fuel is saved, and all the combustible elements of the fuel are conmuned. Consequently, the ta 1 chimneys hitherto required to cany off the smoke, and produce a powerful draught, may be replaced by others scarcely two feet high, which will emit nothing but warm air, without any noxious vapours whatever. The apparatus has been carefully tested in M. Cail's boiler inanu-. factories at Dena.in.and Greiielle. The Emperoh and the jYLvsox.—M. Mocquard, private secretary of the Emperor, is ?,t present building a country liou.se at the village, of Montretout, near St,, Cloud. "A few evenings back, one of the workmen. was employed in sawing a large blockof stone. Every one knows'the nsturo of such work-^-pushing backwards and forwards an enormous saw, which slowly cuts its way through the fetone. The man had shut his eyes, «nd, fatigued with a long day's work, was half asleep over his saw, when the instrument suddenly received a vigorous impulse from the other side, and the workman, raiding his head, perceived a well dressed gentleman pushing the,saw.' ' What are you doing there,' said the workman, in a tone of il humour, ' can you not let a man do his work quietly ?' < Do not annoy yourself, my good friend,' replied the stranger, ' I ouly wanted "to give you a helping hand.' 1 Helping hand,' said the workman, ' very fine! Do you suppose that a stone can be sawed in that way by the first person that comes up ? Come, get out of my wf,y.' ' Just as you please, 1 said the gentleman j and he moved away, shaking the white dust from his g oves. That action called forth from the workman the exclamation of' Gloves! Jle wants to saw stones with gloves on!' At the same time, ho perceived the stranger join a group of gentlemen who were standingat a littl* distance. A moment after, one of}them came up to1 the workman, and, putting a double napoleon into his hand, said, ' Tlie Emperor sends you this.' '.The Emperor!'cried the workman, 'What! it was!' and hurrying towards the gentleman whom he had so badly received,, he cried out, with great emotion, ' Mon Emporeur! Mon Empereur! I did hot know you.- Ah! you can saw the stone as long aa ever you like! —pardon me, mon Empereur!' The Emperor, for it was he, replied, with a smile, Veiy well! my good fellow, go back to your work, and another time be somewhat less rough in your manner 'to. tlnepauvre monde who address you.'-r-.-i'am Patrie, Steam Tkaction on Common Roads, &c.—Another of tlie triumphs of steam has just been made 'by .6no of Boydell's traction engines, which has brought to ■ London from Thetford, along the cqmmon road, a load of seventeen tons; travelling at the rate of about tlirce and a half miles per hour, and consuming from o:ie half to three-quarters cwt. of coals in that time. The previous week the engine was ploughing land at the rate of an acre and a he If per hour, and this week; it is carting as above, thus proving that horses may be superseded to, a great extent in agriculture.—r Engineer. ■ " Th« building up a family is a manufacture, .very little above the building a house of cards : time and. accidents are sure to furnish a blast to blow it down. —No house wanteth new tiling so often as a family wants repairing.—The desire of having children is ag much the effect of vanity as of good nature.—Men love their children, not because they are promising plants but because they are theirs : they cannot dis- ■ credit the plant' without disparaging the soil out of which it camc.r— Thoughts and Reflections by the Marquis of Halifax, 1750." ; First Love like a Potato.—Tom Moore compared jirstloxe to a-potato, because it shoots from the eyes. " Or, rather," exclaimed Byron, " because it becomes the less by paring." Heat of the Earth.—By experiments made during the test year by Professor Piazzi Smyth, at- Edinburgh, with a series of earth thermometers imbeddecj. in the earth at varying depths, it was proved that there was a gradual increasing heat of one degree •Fahrenheit for ever forty of depth, so that at less than. ' two and a half miles water would boil, and at leea than one hundred miles deep all things must be in a, state of fusion, , • ■ ' ' ' ' ' '