THE DIVIDED HOME

Te Awamutu Courier, Volume 56, Issue 4054, 30 May 1938, Page 7

THE DIVIDED HOME

WRECKS. FOUNDATIONS OF CHILD’S LIFE. There is nothing more destructive to the very foundations on which a child’s life is built than division in the home. By division I mean constant tension and disagreement between the parents, leading in many cases to definite estrangement or divorce. “If a home is filled with dissension ... it is probably worse for the happiness of the children than a home with only one parent.”—“The Councillor.” The little child’s greatest needs are security and affection. In infancy he is. surrounded by them, and takes his mother’s lovting and , protective care for granted. But, as he develops, and begins to understand and return the affection of those who are caring for him he becomes acutely sensitive to disharmony and angry tones. Both father and mother are necessary to his normal development. At first he sees them as one—“ Mummy “Daddy-Mummy” calls the toddler from his cot; and it is a sad day for him when he finds that what pleases Mummy makes Daddy angry, and what pleases Daddy might make Mummy cry. There are many mothers and fathers, too—who some time during their married life come to a parting of the ways. They feel that they just cannot carry on a partnership from which all the joy has gone, and they have to make the vital decision whether they will cut adrift from their family life, or stay and “stick it” for the sake of the children. For mothers the pull of the children is so strong that they usually stay. But staying is not enough. Certainly it is good for the children to live in a house which contains both parents; but if that house is filled with dissension and divided authority it is no home. It it probably worse for the happiness of the children than a home with only one parent. Where the mother or father decides that the welfare of the children matters more than their own desires, then they must be prepared to go one step further and make a definite attempt to build up a home life that will make their sacrifice worth while. The home should supply security and loyalty, a haven from the storms of the outside world, and a place where there is always some one who loves and understands.

Even if there is no love, there can at least be loyalty. Yet there are many parents, who, to satisfy a certain irresistible spite, will play off the child against the other parent. The father deliberately spoils a daughter and undermines the mother’s authority, or the mother works on the sympathy of the little son until he comes to fear and hate his father. Thus the natural unconscious attraction which exists between father and daughter, mother and son, is made a disruptive factor, instead of a source of strength and unity in family life. Betty was the only child, and the adored of both parents. Her mother complained, however, that she could do nothing whatever with her, and that, although Betty was only three, she actually seemed to bait her mother to the stage of exasperation over every little detail in the day’s routine. When the mother tried to enforce discipline or punish her, she would have a temper tantrum and say that she would tell her daddy and he would whip Mummy. , This poor little unhappy child had actually been taught to disregard her mother’s wishes, and knew that ner father would always take her part against the mother’s authority. Such a State of affairs was just as bad for the child’s character as it was unhappy for the mother. Sometimes one parent will undermine the child’s affection in more subtle ways. For example, a mother may constantly disparage the father in front of the children or may teach them to deceive him, or to fear him. How often have we not heard: “You wait until your father gets home; he’ll give you a hiding for this. It is an excuse for weakness on the mother’s part, and it is most unfair to the father to save up punishments for him to administer when he returns from work full of kindliness and expectation of a romp with the kids before bedtime. As he is .so frequently held up as an avenging deity to his small sons and daughters, he finds the basis of good palship almost impossible to reestablish in the short time that he is with them.

Another attitude most disruptive to harmony in home life is that entire and exclusive devotion to the children which some women display. Instead of undertaking the big and creative job of bringing up the family m partnership together, with all its joys and responsibilities, the father is made rd feel out of it. He misses the companionship of his wife as well as his rightful share in the life of the children. It is small wonder if he comes to take little interest in them and seeks his pleasure outside the home.

It is certain that our present civilised life, with its emphasis on individualism and the assumption by the State of more and more of the parent’s responsibility, tends towards the

disintegration of the home. Some psychologists go so far as to say that children would be happier and develop fewer complexes if taken from their parents as soon as weaning is over. Such a suggestion immediately arouses a strong resistance in the bosom of every mother and every father. Instinct is too deep to be denied! However artificial the standards of life become thjire will always be parents yearning- to do their best for their children. Because parenthood is difficult, and we make many serious mistakes, that is no reason for decrying it. It is a reason, though, for parents to learn more about their job.

Mistakes and all, we will not go far wrong- if the mother and father pull together for the good of the children, and, whatever their personal differences, try to build up for them a home life that will prove a tower of strength, and not a stumbling block in the trials of the years ahead.