WIT AND HUMOUR

Te Awamutu Courier, Volume 53, Issue 3827, 30 October 1936, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR

THE REASON, Griggs: Do me a favour, old man. Don’t let your wife wear her new autumn costume when you come round to our place. I don’t want my wife to see it just now. Briggs: Why, man alive, that’s just why we are coming! A GIFT, A man who had not been very good during his earthly life died and went below. As soon as he got to the nether regions, he began to give orders for changing the positions of the furnaces, and started bossing the imps around. One of them reported to Satan how the newcomer was acting. “Here,’ ’said Satan to him, “you act a sthough you owned this place.” “Certainly,” said the man, “my wife gave it to me while I was on earth.” STRICTLY SPEAKING. An actor fell in love with a chorus girl who did not return his affection. After he had proposed to her for the twentieth time she became exasperated, and said, excitedly: “Look here, I wouldn’t marry you, not if you was the last man on earth. I don’t want nothing to do with you. Is that plain English ? ” “It’s plain enough my dear,” replied the unabashed suitor, “but it isn’t English, you know.” BOIL -IT DOWN ! “Well, what did our eminent statesman have to say?” asked the editor. “Nothing,” replied the reporter. “Very well. Keep it down to a column.” HALF WAY OUT. Southern Mistress (to coloured maid): “I had thought of giving you this .blouse this morning, but then I recalled that you were dressed in mourning, and it would be too bright for you to wear.” Magnolia’s reiply: “Now, ain’t dat funny? Ah says to mahself jes’ this mawning, ma’am, Ah believes Ah’ll go out of mawnin’ from de waist up.” THAT WAS ALL. Golfer: Notice any improvement? Golf Pro.: You’ve had your clubs shined up, haven’t you?”

NEXT. "Well,” said the dentist, cheerily, as he entered the waiting room, “who has been waiting the longest?” “I have,” said the tailor, as he presented his bill. PROBLEM. She was bidding her lover a fond farewell, for he was going on a business trip around the world. Tearfully she clung to him and asked: “My darling, promise that you will write to me from every town you visit!” And as he gathered her in his arms he cried: “Oh, Ada, is it love that prompts you to say this? Do you really love me, or are you merely collecting foreign postage stamps?" I GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL. Lady (reading paper): "Well, well, I never knew that our firemen were so childish. It says here that, after the flames were extinguished, the firemen played on the ruins for some hours.” AHEM. “Do you' realise, Eloise, that I have a great future?” "Yes, of course, Jim, but a little present wouldn’t do any harm!” OR HEARD A SCRAPING SOUND. “What would you do if you woke up and smelled smoke?” “I’d go back to sleep.” “You would?” "Certainly; I don’t like toast.” WAVING POLO. A cavalry officer was showing an elderly visitor the sights of the post. Although rather puzzled by some of his military technicalities, she did her best to take an intelligent interest in everything. . "And there,”. said the officer, pointing to the verdant middle distance, “is our polo field.” “Ah, yes,” said the lady. “I always {think there are few more beautiful sights than a field of waving polo.” EXPLAINED. A Scottish minister was explaining why he never invited other ministers to preach.in his pulpit. “If anither mon came and preached better than I do,” he said, “ma folk would never listen to me again; and if he didna preach better than I do, he woudna be worth listening to.”

AHA! A man was strolling down the main street of the town, holding a large dog by a leash, when he met a friend. The talk turned from one thing to another, and at last the discussion turned on the merits of the dog. “Yes," said the- owner, “that dog can smell a bird a mile away.” "Indeed!”, said his friends, incredulously. He glanced at the dog and was surprised to see the animal sniffing. “That dog acts as if a bird were under his nose, and there isn’t a bird anywhere near,” he said. The owner of the dog was puzzled, Upon seeing some other men in conversation, he approached one of them and inquired: “Pardon me sir, but have you a bird in your pocket?’.’ “No,” .answered the man. The owner of the dob was puzzled, but, after a few moments of deep thought, he said, “Excuse me, but what is your name?” "Partridge.” “Ah!” exclaimed the owner to his friend, “that explains it.” HIS DIFFICULTY. “My advice to you is to go through the movements of driving without using the ball,” said the golf instructor. “My dear fellow,” answered the duffer, “that’s precisely the trouble I’m wanting to overcome.” NOTHING TO DO. "How did Jones get out of taking his turn at cooking?” "He agreed only to cook the fish we catch.” „ | ( HOPEFUL. Daughter (scanning the pages): “William” means "good," I see. “James” means “beloved” (blushing slightly). I wonder what “George” means? Father (tartly).: I sincerely trust, my dear, that George means business. SURE. Teacher: “Who flew the first plane?” Willie (sparring for time): “Who few the first plane?” Teacher: “Right.” Willie: “Wright.” Mother (preparing for dinner): Whatever have you done with the jelly, Johnny? Johnny: I’ve put it in front of the fire because it was shivering.