Miscellaneous

Te Aroha News, Volume III, Issue 128, 14 November 1885, Page 7

Miscellaneous

"Did yon marry him for his money?" "Yes, I did." "Did you get any of it?" ( ' No. " • ' Did you get any of his property ?" " No," " Did you get anything ?" •• Yes." "What?" «• Divorce." "How could Jephtha have made that rash vow to sacrifice the first person he met on his return from victory ?" said an inquisitive child. "Ho might have been sure it would be his wife or hit) daughter." " No, it might have been his mother-in-law," dreamily murmured papa, who was seated in the bosom of his family. A distinguished Scotch Divine, of unusually solemn appearance, said to the clerk who was showing him over the Church on the Saturday afternoon :—": — " Young— man — do— you— smoke?" "Y — yes, sir," said the trembling clerk, "I'm sorry, but I learnt the habit young, and haven't been able to quit it yet." "Then," said the great divine, without the movement of a muscle or the abatement of a shade of the awful solemnity of hia voice, " can you tell me where I can get a good cigar ?" " You didn't laugh at my stupidity before we were married," remarked, in a complaining tone, a repentant benedict. " You always said I was a duck of a lover." " Yes, that's so," replied the wife ; " but a duck of a lover is always sure to make a goose of a husband." "Brace up !" whispered the hangman to a poor fellow whose hempen cravat he was skilfully adjusting. "Yes, it's easy for you to say that," was the grim reply, " because you are a suspender," This is told of an assemblyman in Albany : A colleague accused him of striving for nomination to a certain high office. He denied the statement indignantly. Rising to a question of privilege, he waxed warm upon the subject, " Why, Mr Speaker," said he, "if that place were offered, to me upon a golden platter I would not accept it. " Up rose a rural member who had a very squeaky voice: "Mr Speaker," he piped, " will the member inform the House what would become of the golden platter ?" A bright story in grammar is told of a little school girl. " Quarrel," she parsed, "is plural." "Why?" "Because -why it takes two to make one." Perhaps an equally good reason for ignorance on the tender point was given by - a woman recently in an American court of law. "Now, then, madam," said the lawyer to the lady-witness, " will you please tell us your age ?" "It is impossible, sir." "Why, madam, impossible to tell your age ?" " 1 can only depend on witnesses in regard to the matter, and as I have never asked them to give sworn testimony I cannob swear myself what my age ia." "But madam-?" "It is true, air. lam willing to admit that I was; present at my birth, but I assure you I have not the least recollection of the event, and you would not have me speak of anything under' oath of which I am personally ignorant." -The lawyer did not press the matter further. A German judge, who was , immensely stout, ha zing tried many antifat remedies to reduce jhis weight twith'put; any satiafactory result, finally wenUo, some hot springs, and muoh^to his" joy, Jost considerable adipose tissue, returning home in a most happy frame of mirfd/,. He thought and talked of nothing else 'except his loss of fles V He; went; to', market one morning recently, and* said? to the butcher, "Cut me,, off ;twenty£pb\md3 of pork." The request waß complied with. The judge looked at, the, ; meat for some time, and--then f walked; pff. 1 ;. ".Shall I send the&eaW to, ypur^h^usre.'^Herr'Richter?" askedjjtHoi^ buto%,; : ;«Ohtrnp,'?; was the repljfglsi dof t^tfe f l.hayffallen off iafflfflKl rjbunds;/and l only wanted to%fsmsßffl