"FUNK!"

Sun (Christchurch), Volume VI, Issue 1578, 5 March 1919, Page 11

"FUNK!"

MOUNTAINS NO REFUGE. MORGUE HAUNTED PICNIC PARTY. We arrived simultaneously at the mountain boarding-house. The hostess expressed surprise at the sudden and urgent request for rooms at such an unusual time; the Christmas set jußt gone; the Easter crowd not due. She could not recall such an untimely rush before. ■ ♦> We explained to her and to each other that we were quite run down; we had been overworking for such a long time, the doctor said a serious collapse was inevitable unless we went off for a week or two at once. Our visit had nothing to do with the in/luenza epidemic. Not at all. Bless you, that sort of thing did not worry us. AVe were none of the nervy sort. We all were emphatic on this point. We repeated it quite a number of times, on the principle of Alice in Wonderland—"Say a thing three times in a loud voice and it is bound to be true." 1 said mine loudly enough, and considerably more often than three times. I don't know how many of the other chaps I convinced. 1 know none of them convinced me. They overdid it. Liars always do. It is said that when the fallen-idol Hindenburg was nervous he showed only one sign. He whistled. In the later days of the war it frequently flashed through the German lines—"Hindenburg is whistling." Well, that is how these fellow boarders or mine felt. Under their breath they were all' whistling. Everyone but myself had hurried from town out of sheer funk at' the epidemic. .Skeleton at the Feast. Yet all through our first meal these ! chaps talked hot air about what they ! would authorise the authorities to do; I what they would compel people to do, g 'and what punishment they would inflict upon those who dared to defy the war precautions—cr—no—the Epidemic Pre- »« cautions Act. We did the first meal on one conversational item —the epidemic. These men ' had fled from town to escape it; they foimd themselves pitched right into it. Long before the meal was over the most funky ones saw the conversation was a tactical blunder. They were white the gills; their talk was jerky. of them separately tackled me. said they had had enough epidemic talk.; lt must stop, and I seemed the man to stop it. I thought it a fine personal tribute. My appearance evidently suggested I was the sort of man to tackle a desperate situation. The third man, however, put it badly. "Look here, old man," he said, "that morgue-like talk at the table must stop. Not that it affects me, but I was downright sorry for you. I thought you were going to faint several times."

The hypocrite! His teeth chattered; with fear as he spoke; yet he tried to foist it on to me. I was annoyed, but, for the general good, I crushed my own feelings. Soon as we sat down for next meal I said —"See here, gentlemen, our last conversation left a nasty taste in some mouths. I suggest that we seek a more cheerful subject than the For myself, I don't mind. I am not in the least nervous, but I am always solicitous for others. As a matter of; honour, let us agree not to mention the epidemic in each other's hearing." I daresay it was my nice, affable way that did it, but I never saw any group « of men assent so readily to any proposition. Another man would have put it in a way that would have hurt their pride. He would have hinted that they were all in a blue funk. They would have jibbed at that. It is the nature of human nature to be pig-headed. Always Back to 'Flu.

We got started. It looked quite easy. Any group of men should be able 'to avoid a subject they are feverishly anxious to avoid. But they cannot.... At least this group couldn't. It resembled a game with epidemic as centre. The players' business was to keep out of . the centre. Each man started from the outmost edge, and was eager to stay there. In a couple of sentences he found' himself in the centre, face to face with the epidemic. He got a shock when he found where he was. The others sat silently reproachful as ho tried to recover from his shame. We started with every sort of subject. The more remote, the more improbable it seemed, the mort certainly we reached the epidemic. ... One has heard of men, moving in less refined circles than our own, men who frequent bar parlours. In the interests of the higher morality the landlord sets up a swear box. One penny is exacted for every swear word. Such bbxes are said to be filled swiftly, certainly much more swiftly than boxes handed round in religious edifices for the reception of voluntary contributions. Had we had such an arrangement against the subject of the epidemic the banker could have made as much as would have paid his fare as far from the epidemic zo'rWg as he wished 1o oe. The second meal was more hateful than the first. Before it ended we were stricken dumb. 3fo word crossed our lips, only one thought possessed our minds—the epidemic. Tjie prospect was terrible. We had' all loudly intimated our intention of staying for a fortnight at least. J felt I couldn't stand another meal. .I'd; rather- take my, chance of infection in town. I got o/r- hostess on the quiet. I said I had suddenly remembered some important business for which I must) hurry back to town. . I would'rise two hours before the others next morning and walk to the statibn. I secretly calculated I would be in town before these other men would'be out : of bed. ' ,' i My plan woYked perfectly. Jj sneaked from the boarding house in the gwy dawn and tramped to the station. . As I walked on to the platform my heart stood still. I fancied I saw one of those funky chaps slip into a shed, another peeped out from the waiting room. When the train came in seven mjen ■emerged from as many separate hidijig places and found scats in as majiy separate compartments. We contrived not to notice each other on the way [to town. VYe seemed to vanish into thin air when we arrived there.