A SHORT STORY.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume I, Issue 259, 5 December 1914, Page 3

A SHORT STORY.

PADLOW'S PET. e [COPYRIGHT.] [By R. ANDOM.] You need not believe this story unless you really want to. Frankly, I myself do not believe it, and I wouldn't •even if I wanted to quite badly — ■which I don't. It was told to me by Padlow, the hero (or ass) of it, as a reason, I believe, for my lending, him ten pounds until next August. Padlow does drink, though I had never before then suspected him of doing it to the extent of sapping his intellect. He said he didn't know his intellect was sapped or sappy, but if it was it was not through drink, but grief. "I have lost my pet, old man, inject Potto," he said, tearfully. "Oh," said I. "I am sorry to hear that. What was it—a dog?" "No," said he, "not a dog. Dogs are common fool things. Potto was unique, distinctive-—gave me a standing among my neighbours, "Potto did> «,nd when he ate the tax-collector I was the most popular man in the place. They couldn't do-enough for me." '' I should say not,'' said I. '' What about the tax-collector's people? Did they share in the rejoicing?" "Oh, Potto ate them as well," said Padlow, indifferently. "They were ,a bit of a nuisance hanging about, complaining, and, besides, it- helped to keep him,/ because he had a terrible appetite, and 1 found him quite expensive enough even when he did do a bit Of foraging on his own account. Potto was a "hipjSb," he added, proudly.

"Great Scott!" I ejaculated, too astonished to say anything more intelligent or useful. •

.'' Yes, he was,/' said Padlow. "I picked him up on my way home. It was very late, and I had to walk from the junction, which, as you know, is about three miles from my place. Well, I had crossed the common, and was turning the corner by the milkshop into ray own road, when my way was barred by a great black mound lying across the: pavement. I thought at first our push-ball team had left their ball lying about, and it struck me at the time as being an odd sort of thing to lose. £t was pitch dark and raining heavily, and I could not see anything definitely. I put out my hands and felt leather, and that, * with the size, of course, led me to suppose that it was a push-ball, which, you know, is a very big, lumpish •sort of a thing. "It didn't move when I put my weight against it, and theii I.began to, notice that .it felt warm. So I lit a match under the shelter of my , gamp, r,nd saw tht it wasn't a push-ball, but a hippopotamus. Who ; it belonged,, to, or where it had strayed from, I couldn't make out; but ther£ it was, and a very unpleasant thing to - have about the streets at night,.to,say nothing of forcing, me to plunge; into the mud to get round it. Our roads aren't, made up yet, and theu beast,\-w,as across _the pajfti piroje, cting into the road. ■'■•'"./.'.*/"••.••■' „ :■''.'.. ■'.';....-,.

"I didn't feel altogether comfortable dt passing It, apart from mud ».nd. slop, which'.came well, over my boot-tops, and 'when, I got round to his "jicad and. found it wicle awake and ready for business I grew downright 'nervous. Fortunately I .recollected a lesson my Uncle John, who used to hiirit big game in all parts bf the world, had once given me—never to show fear in the presence of wild ' animals. Strictly speaking, Potto was not a wild animal. He began to wag his tail as I approached, and when I patted him on some of his head, and called v him 'Good boy,' he put out about three yards of tongue and licked my hand, and then got up and trotted along by my side to my garden gate. .'' He stood there wagging his tail and gazing appealing into my face while I was hunting for my latch-key and trylug to> persuade him to go home, and as soon as he saw I was going to leave him, he sat down and bellowed like a child, with great tears streaming from his eyes and splashing on the path. I was. afraid he would wake up Mary, and, besides it. .seemed cruel to leave the poor thing out there all by itself. I thought perhaps" a loaf or a. bit of sugar or something would console it, and went into the kitchen to find it. Potto followed me, though I didn't know tht until I heard Jones's hallstand go over. It was a fairly tight fit, but the party wall was pliable and springy, and.by borrowing half a yard from Jones's hall PoVto just managed to squeeze through. ' ■ " Jones .'s wife, who is superstitious, nearly had a fit when she came down in the morning and found the hall-stand overturned with nothing to account for it. She said it was a warning of something dreadful about to happen—a <leath at least. Perhaps it was! While I was looking for something for Potto to eat, Potto found the cat, and ate that to go on with.

"I didn't mind about the cat, which was a stray, and persisted iu adopting us, but I was'annoyed with Potto for coming into the house. A stray hippopotamus is worse than a stray cat for domestic purposes, and I knew Mary would fuss when she saw the marks of his muddy feet all over the hall and kitchen. Bhe„ would over mine, and when there are four of them, each about the size of a tea-tray, the best natured woman in the world is likely to kick. But do what I would, I couldn't persuade Potto to shift, and so I had to loave him in the kitchen for the night. Tt wasn't very comfortable, but it was better than the road, and I thought with,a cushion for his head he could manage very well till the morning, when I.hoped to be able to find his owner, and get something iiseful by way of reward and expenses. Potto ate the cushion—it was one of our best ones — and I was afraid Mary would be vexed about it. "It was very late then, and what with that and being tired, I suppose I slept unusually soundly. Anyway, I heard nothing to make me uneasy, though towards daybreak Mary woke me up to tell me that there was a strange noise downstairs, and the house shook so she was afraid it was going to collapse. I had forgotten about Potto being down there, and said it was possibly a traction engine outside, or perhaps the 'Jenkinses were having their chimney swept. Our house does shake a good ileal when a cart goes by or the winu is a bit strong. "Gertrude, our maiden, woke us up. She. said it was eight o'clock, and she couldn't get down .to.light the kitchen fire because burglars or someone bad been in and left a great leather sack lying on the stairs. Would the master

come and see about it? It was Potto, of course. The poor, faithful beast had tried to come upstairs after me, and had got jammed in the staircase, with his forelegs dangling through into the coal cellar, the great weight having been too much for our slim suburban dwelling.

''He was so pleased to see me that I hadu't the heart to scold him; but it was very awkward. I had to let Gertrude down from hev bedroom window by the aid of blankets, so that she could climb into the kitchen and get the breakfast. The blankets parted when she was. half-way down, and Gertrude did the rest of the journey in a rush. I wanted her to make haste, but not to break her leg over it. I was glad to think that my domestic insurance policy would not be wasted; but, of course, the girl couldn't get my breakfast with her leg broken, and as I wasn't covered by the policy I didn't care to go down by Gertrude's route and get it myself. So I opened the window and called to our policeman, who, fortunately, happened to be resting in Eichards 's porch just over the road.

" 'Policeman,' I said, 'our girl's broken her leg." " <Well,' said he. He was snappy because I had spotted him resting. 'I ain't a doctor.'

, " ' But,' I urged, soothingly, ' there's a' hippopotamus sleeping on my stairs.' "'Nor I ain't the Zoological Gardens,' says he. 'Anything more?' " ' Half-a-crown,' said I. "' All you have to do to win it is to get the hippo in the garden, and the girl on .the stairs. It's easier than Limericks, and perfectly fair.' "The bobby said he'd have a shot at it just to pass the time till he was relieved, and he took on the hippo first as being the easiest part of the job. He used to be engaged to Gertrude, and knew what sort of a handful she was, even if he didn't know much about 'tarn uses.

'' The front door was bolted, of course, but that doesn't matter with our houses.- He crawled in underneath, not being very stout, and the door had shrunk somewhat since it was made in Sweden, and I went out on to the landin» to give him some useful advice. When Potto saw me he wagged his tail fluently,|. and the policeman who was standing right in the way with his mouth open, too dazzled to swear, got a tremendous clout that sent him flying through the drawing-room door on to Mary's piano. "The policeman got up and ran out of the house without his helmet, and came back presently with five more policemen and the fire brigade. The firemen said it wasn't their job, properly speaking; but if I would go five shillings a man and pay all expenses they would take it on. The policeman said they would wait round to arrest me as soon as the way was cleared for keeping a disorderly house without a license. The sanitary inspector, who had come too, said it was a case for his department, and he should summons me for not complying with the game laws. I said I didn't know there were any laws regulating that game; but if he would read out those pertaining to hippopotamuses I would see what I could do about it.

"Mary had gone home to her mother by then, and left me and Potto to help ourselves, deserted by all our relatives and half our friends. She said it was all my fault, and she dressed herself in all her best; things, climbed over the roof into Jones's -place, and I never saw her again. I felt very miserable when she deserted me, and I went out and sat on the stairs with Potto while the firemen were below fighting as to whether it was a case of fire or salvage. The firemen said it was fire, and the salvage men said it was salvage; and as they were about equal in weight and numbers, neither won in the fight or argument, and at last they agreed to toss up for it. They borrowed half-a-erown from the police sergeant —it was all the money he had, aud the others had none at all—and the head of the fire gang spun it and dropped it. I don't know who pinched it, but they couldn't find it, and as the fireman was a noted amateur conjurer it did look rather bad, and the police sergeant arrested him on suspicion. He refused to be arrested without a warrant, and his mates sided with him. So the policeman arrested everybody, and such a disgraceful scene ensued that all the neighbours came running out to see what was the matter.

"Potto was very disgusted, too, and I daresay he was hungry as well, because a eat and a sofa cushion are not much for a full-grown hippopotamus. Anyway, he wriggled his legs free, and began to back down the stairs. The pressure was too much for the party wall, and it bent so much that Jones's servant, who was standing on the other side listening, was squeezed flat against the banisters, and my staircase, being deprived of the normal support of the next-door house, fell in a heap, with Potto.on top. I skipped down and threw myself on Potto's mercy. " 'Look here, old chap,' said I, 'you're getting me into an awful mess. Here's a loaf of bread to complete your meal. Take it with my love and clear off. I can't afford to keep you, or I would. I have treated you well, and now, to oblige me, go and give some one else a turn.'

"The intelligent beast understood me, and he licked my hand, grabbed the loaf, and got clear away tnrough the back door, taking the frame with him as a sort of memento. No one seemed to notice him go, so I took the hint and went the same way. That's my story." "It's very simple and very pathetic," said I. "When did all this happen!" "This morning," said lie, "or yesterday morning. lam so upset that I cannot quite remember. I haven't been home since, and I cannot go unless you can lend me £lO. The house is in a shocking condition, and it will take that to clear it up and make it habitable. Besides, the policeman is suing me for his lost helmet. I can square that for a pound, and the other four will just about replace the stairs." "You said ten just now," said I. "No, I didn't, I said six—one for the policeman, and three for the damages," he retorted. "I know what I said. Of course I ani not legally if the landlord doesn't repair the house I shall sue him. He's got his remedy against the .owners of Potto if he cai'es to take it."

"But I thought Potto had eaten him," I gasped. My brain Avas giving way under the strain of so many conflicting stories. "Look here, let me understand this before we go any further. Did Potto eat the landlord, or did the landlord eat Potto? Tell me that, and I'll lend you the half-crown. It was half a crown you asked for, wasn't it'?" "Five bob, my boy; five bob," said Padlow. "I can't put things straight under five. Your question puzzles me rather. Frankly, 1 don't know. It is this way. If Potto ate the landlord, the landlord couldn't have eaten Potto, could he?"

*' Not very well,'' said I. ' l But if it was the other way round, I don't very well see how Potto could have eaten the

landlord. It all depends on who began it."

•"That's just what I said," agreed Padlow. "And until we kuow that we can't know for certain, can we?" I declined to have a drink; I declined to lend Padlow any money. I took Padlow by the arm firmly, and ran him to the station and remained with him until I handed him over to his., wife at their front door. The house didn't look very much disturbed considering what had happened to it so short a time before, and a cursory glance showed mo that the staircase had been repaired and cleaned and carpeted.

Coming away, I met Jones. I told him I had been looking after his neighbour, and. he burst out laughing. "Oh, he has got back, has he?" he queried. "There is a good joke about him going round; but he'll have a nasty time of it with Matthews. You know he went to that club dinner last night, and I suppose he did himself very well. Any way, it seems instead of coming home he" spent the rest of the night in Matthews's cowshed, and when he left this morning he forgot to shut the door, and all Matthew's cows got out, and were pounded. His neoci milk bill will be a heavy one."