THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume I, Issue 223, 24 October 1914, Page 4

THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

[By "Kuscobin," of the Sydney "Bulletin."] THE CURSE OF OUEBANT O^KE. I fail to see why liquid fanatics should have all the shouting and the tumult to themselves. Why should the swill have all this obloquy hurled at his hob-nailed liver while, inferentially, the glutton receives an approving pat on the- place his waistcoat covers? Since the whole countryside is vaporous with ginger beer and fury against decent citizens like you and I because we menace the very foundations of society by enjoying an occasional glass of ale—well, I reckon it's about up to us to promulgate a little bit of our own particular brand of prohibition. On the teetotal principle of condoning) sins that we are inclined to by damning those who have no mind to, I advocate the suppression of currant cake. Personally, I detest currant cake. To me, etirrant cake stands for all that is decadent and evil in our latter-day civilisation. The vice that stalks red-garmented through our streets no less than that that lurks like the garbage tin in our back lanes, is wholly due to the consumption of currant cake. The deplorable amount of crime and poverty that is affecting the very vitals of our community is traceable in 90 per cent, of its instances to a weakwilled indulgence in the stuff that tummyaches but does not cheer. Medical men are agreed that lunacy, appendicitis, housemaid's knee, angina pectoris, German measles, barmaid's blush, dandruff, specks before the eyes, the king's evil, j sprained wrists, typhoid fever, schooli boy's colic, tonsilitis, the fear of some- ! thing terrible about to happen, premature • baldness (aloepicia), soft corns, and water j on the brain would all be banished from ! the friendly societies' books if the manui faeture, importation, or sale of currant ! cake were totally prohibited except for i industrial, sacramental, scientific, or 1 medicinal purposes exclusively. Let me j give you a local instance of the far-reaeh- | ing evils of currant cake. I saw the j Reverend Cocker indulging in two whole i slices of currant cake the other day. i Noav, had I acted as my better instincts j prompted and with a real regard to the i interests of the victim itself, I should j have seized the stuff that is alleged to ! contain currants and hurled the vile conI fection out of the window of the cafe j instanter. But I did nothing of the j kind. I let a cup of tea go down upon j my wrath. More in sorrow than in auger j I looked upon the Reverend Cocker mak- | ing a beast of itself with its besetting J sili. I moralised upon the dreadful ami I insidious effects of currant cake. Once, I

said to myself, the Reverend Cocker was born a human being. Once' it was a bright, golden-haired boy with long, jamsmeared'curls, the idol of a doting parent. It made mud pies with all the innocent, enthusiasm of early childhood. Whether beeause of an inherent weakness or due to eVil associations I do not know, but look at it now. It has just eaten the second sliee of the cake that flippant humorists aver contains currants. Its freewill is sapped; it could no more resist the temptation than repress an inward.: smile at the tinkling of a well-filled col-: lection-plate. It is a reverend slave to j the eurrant cake curse. The sins of mis- i representation, seeing the mote in its \ brother's eye and blindness to the beam j in its own, uncoguidness, subterfuge, and j a high moral sense of what Providence j would do if it knew the full facts of the case—all these terrible evils have grap- J pled its soul till, the Reverend Cocker is as you see it to-day. Yes, friends, shun currant cake as you would shun the rent-collector. Agitate for its total prohibition; ban it from this riotously joyful Dominion, and a delighted posterity will reward you 'with all its stale stock of .colic pills. Currant cake is a curse, and the Reverend Cocker is its prophet. | A CHANT OF FREEDOM. Through all the yeaus the British race Has fought that it be free; But there are those who now would filch This right from you and me. Defeat the wowser's fell design — "In Both Strike out the Bottom Line! " In Magna Carta, old King John Bequeathed the right to all Of British blood that they be free, Whatever else befall; So let the light of freedom shine — "In Both Strike out the Bottom Line!'' The Black Prince fought on Cressy field. That Britons should be free; The British bowmen bent their bows And fought for you and me. Don't sacrifice this right—in fine. "In Both Strike out the Bottom Line!" With Wellington our gallant sons Won fame at Waterloo, The British squares that fought so well, They fought for me ami you; And Wellington sends on the sign—"ln Both Strike out the Bottom Line! " Trafalgar knew its Nelson brave, And Nelson died to show That Freedom still w r as Britain 's boast, So strike a British blow, Ami make the sneaking wowser whine — "In Both Strike out the Bottom Line! " j The German Kaiser thought to tamo i The spirit of our race, i And make us thralls to German rule, But French will shut his face! So strike for Freedom, yours aud mine: "In Both Strike out BottomTino! »_

And take the moral set above, And show that Britons still Preserve their Rights of Liberty, Nor sacrifice good-will. Would you these precious eifrs resign* "In Both STRIKE OPT THE BOTTOM LINE!" SIMPLE ARITHMETIC. •I love arithmetic. The juggling with figures is my favourite mental relaxation. But a gentleman with a nose like a squashed strawberry (indigestion, I assure you) has set me a little sum in arithmetic that has got me beaten. I jingle the two coppers and the bunch "of keys in my pocket, -vainly trying to solve it. It is this. Suppose you are a little boy. Suppose you earn a shilling a day. Out of this shilling you have to pay. your mother elevenpence for the right of earning the shilling. This leaves you a penny to the good. Then something happen?. — for instance, you have to buy a pair of boxing gloves to fight the little boy next door. You haven't got the money to do this; in fact, you don't quite know what the boxing gloves will cost, and, even after they are bought, you may want to buy lib of raw steak to plaster over your eye; or else some embrocation to rub on your knuckles where you barked them against his chin. But anyway, you get your mummy to 'buy the boxing gloves, and you arrange to pay her back at the rate of I twopence a' day—a penny-halfpenny ! against the, cost of the gloves, and a i halfpenny against her goodness in lending you the money. This puts you into debt to the extent of one penny a day —you are earning one shilling and spending one ami a penny. Very you reckon you will work this penny off some way or another. But then, on the top of this another boy who couldn't fight a saveloy and is not interested in fighting comes along and tells you that you ought to pay him threepence a day. The reason that he' wants it is because lie doesn't believe in fighting, and he thinks you should pay him that threepence on account of his unbelief. Nov.-. if you give him the threepence, where will you be? Simple, isn't it? But draw an analogy. The yearly income, of the Dominion is just a little bit more than the yearly amount we have to pay in interest on" borrowed money. On 1 top of this we see a war tax looming ! ahead that will make ouf out-going •neater than our income. And then 'think- of it,. A gentleman of much conviction and many side whiskers asks i you to sacrifice the million a year of | public revenue derived from the liquor > traffic because he and his kind prefer la cup of tea to the glass of ale that I you admit a liking for. Consider the I question in this light, and you will I realise why you can 't afford to vote for (Prohibition! —Published by arrangei uienf- ° ?