A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1082, 20 September 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Is It? —Teacher: “In which zone are ] the United States of America?” j Boy: “In the temperance zone, sir.” The Skirts of Happy Chance. —Lord j Floue: “Mullins, how strong is the wind , today ? Mullins: “About knee high, milord. Power of Music. —And after hearing: the Stein Song a few' million times, we sent our first contribution to the AntiSaloon League. Marathon Philosophy. —Life is an endurance test, a clergyman says. "’ell. it keeps us up in the air a good ueal 7 and it has its own refueling problem. Mob Decision. —First Picnicker: “Isn't this an ideal spot for a picnic dinner?” Second Ditto: “It must be. Fifty million insects can’t be wrong.” Ammunition. —She: “Three lipsticks, please.” Clerk: “What size, miss?” She: “Three motor rides and a house party.” 0 Duly Protested. —“What became of the unpaid bill Dunn sent to us?” remarked the bank clerk to his wife. “Oh,, that?” she asked. “I sent it back marked 'insufficient funds.’ ” It Had Come Bactf<. —Friend: “Do you think the great outstanding poem of the century has yet been written?” Poet: “It has not only been written, but it has been rejected!” More Strings. —" Did you hear that Jones is earning £2O a night playing his violin? Just think—£s a string!” “Why doesn't he learn to play the harp?” Friend of the Came!.- —Professor fin Engineering class) —“What's a dry dock?” Student—“A physician who won’t give out prescriptions.” Hard-Boiled M iss. —Corporal—“They say that girl you introduced me to is pretty hard, eh?” Sergeant—“ Hard is right. It would take a diamond to make an impression oil her.” Making it Easy for Dad.— ‘Tell me the truth now'. Eric. Who did your home exercise?” “Father.” “Quite alone?” “Xo, I helped him with it.” She Pack® a Wallop. —Press dispatches say Amy Johnson, the English skyrider, slapped a young man who tried to kiss her. and he backed away with his nose bleeding. That wasn’t'a slap: it was a sock.

100 Per Cent. Plus. —New Yorker (incredulously)—“And you mean to say that in California you have 365 days of sunshine a year?” Man from Los Angeles—“ Exactly so, sir, and that’s a mighty conservative estimate.” Outsize. —Mr. Little: “Why did you | get me such big shirts? These are j four sizes too large for me.” His Wife: “They cost just the same ; as your size, and I wasn’t going to let a strange clerk know I married such j a little shrimp as you.” * • ° Free Speech. —“ Who is really the » boss in your house?” inquired the j friend. “Well, of course. Maggie assumes j command of the children, the servants, ■ the dog. the cat, and the canary. But ! I can say pretty much what I please ! to the goldfish.”

Pleasures of Hope. —Chairman (finishing eulogistic speech).—“Our dear old friend here has lived among us for forty y’ears, is living with us now, and ho say's, hopes to live among us for many years to come. Gentlemen. I can only’ add that we are looking forward to burying him here.” Left In Doubt. —Burglar (making bogus telephone call to maidservant): This is the hospital speaking. Your master and mistress have met with a motor accident, and have been brought here.” Burglar’s Mate: “What does she say. Bill? Is she going at once?” Burglar: “I don’t know; she just j said ‘Hooray’! ”

f Time to Duck. —“ Really, Bill, your I argument with your wife last night was most amusing.” “Wasn’t it though? And when she j threw the axe at me I thought I’d ! split.” A Hard World. —Wifie: “Oh. George, do you realise it's almost a year since our honeymoon, and that glorious holiday we spent on the sands? I wonder how we’ll spend this one?” George: “On the rocks.” Cost of Questions. —Wife: “You don : love ine any more. When you see me ei*ying now you dont’ ask why.” Husband: “I’m awfully sorr3\ my dear, but these questions have already' cost me such a lot of money.” Child of Nature. —Visitor—“And' wot was you thinkin’ of doing wiv your boy, Mrs. Smith?” ?Jrs. Smith —“Well, ’e’s that fond of animals 'is father was thinkin’ of making a butcher of ’im.”

Safety First. —The Smith family went for a sail on the river. Mr. c . Smith,‘gazing down at the waves, said to her husband, “If the ship went dowr, w'hich would you rather save, th% children or me'?” Smith: “Me!” * * © Dobbin and Joan. —Farmer’s Wile (to druggist)—“Now, be sure and 1 write plain on them bottles which is i for the horse and which is for my husband. I don’t want nothin’ to happen to that horse before the spring ploughin’.” Champion Breadwinner. Mode.*?' Suitor.—“l have only' £I,OOO a year, sir, but I think I can support 3*our daughter on that. Father (enthusiastically)—“Support her, my dear boy? Why, you can support her entire family' on it.”

Hero or Scapegoat. —“ Politics is very' uncertain.” “Very,” agreed Senator Sorghum. “Even after a man succeeds in being elected, he doesn’t know whether he’s going to take credit for what happens or whether he’s going to get the blame.” © © © Trust Mother Nature. —“My husband is peculiarly liable to sea-sickness, captain,” said the woman. skipper nodded. “I’ve heard of the plaint before, ma’am,” he said. “Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?” asked the woman. “ 'Taint necessary, ma’am,” replied the skipper. “He’ll do it.” © © © Sunshine in the Rear —“lt is the duty of everyone to make at least one person. happy during the week,” said a Sunday school teacher. “Have you done so. Freddy'?” ‘Yes,” said Freddy’, promptly. “That’s right. What did you do?” “I went to see my- aunt, and she was happy* when I went home.” © © © The Ultimate End.—Seeing a man. digging in the road. an inquisitive passer-by’ stopped and asked what he was digging for. “Money’,” replied the workman. “Really!” cried the stranger. “And when do you expect to get it?” “Pay’ day,” said the workman, going on with his digging. © • © Overweight. —Jones (to his grocer): “You seem angry’, Mr. Brown.” Brown: “I am. The inspector of weights and measures has just been Jones: “Ha, ha! He caught you giving 15oz. to the pound, did he?” Brown: “Worse than that. He said I’d been giving 17.” © © © No Flowers. —Brevity' is the soul of modern journalism. A budding journalist was told never to use two word*; where one would do. He carried out his advice in his report of a fatal accident in the following manner: “John Jones struck a match, to see if there was any gasoline in his tank. There was. Age t>s.” © © © Hang on to the China. —Farmer Wayback (starting home from station): “Please ma’am, do you wear false teeth ?” Fair Boarder (for the summer). — “Sir!” ' Farmer Way back.—“Oh, I don’t mean to be curious. Only this road is a leetle rough, and ef your teeth aint’ good j and fast you’d better put ’em in your I pocket.”