A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1034, 26 July 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Definition. —Personality is the Quality that enables you to be dignified without making people think you are sulking. With Love And Kisses. —"lf an elephant charges you," advises a biggame hunter, "let him have both barrels at once.” As far as we are concerned, he could have the whole gun. On the Job. —Her Sweetie: “How long will it be until your sister makes her appearance?" Younger Sister: "She’s upstairs making it now/’ * c • Need No Help.— You can fool some of the people all of the time and all the people some of the time, but the rest of the time they will make fools of themselves. Cute Both Ways.—Mrs. Nagge: "Statistics prove that marriage is a preventive of suicide.” Mr. Nagge: "Yes, and statistics also prove that suicide is a preventive of marriage.” e * • Horse end Horse. —Ephraim: "What yo’ all doin’ wif dat pappah, Mose? Mose: Ise writin’ mah gal a lettah. "Go 'way, niggah. yo’ kaint write." " ’At’s all right, Smoke; mah gal kaint read." • • • All Depends.— 'You’ve been convicted 14 times of this offence—aren’t j*ou ashamed to own to that?” "No, your worship. I don’t think one ought to be ashamed of his convictions." me* Staving Off a Squawk.—Mountaineer (to three-year-old son): "Ezry, quit pointin’ that thar gun at yore little brother. Hit might go off and kill one of them chickens lie’s playin’ with." Criticism.—Aspiring Poet: "Have you received any expression of public opinion on my new volume?’’ Publisher: "Well, one man with the same name as yours has asked us to announce that he is not the author.”

Terrible Temptation. —"My little daughter has swallowed a gold piece and has got to be operated on. I wonder if Hr. Robinson is to be trusted?" "Without a doubt. He’s absolutely honest.” • • c Salubrious Solitude. —A Highlander who plays the bagpipes every day for an hour has Just celebrated the 95th anniversary of his birthday. His longevity may possibly be explained by the fact that his nearest neighbour lives nearly a mile away. • • • Aek Dad, He Knows. —"l was sorry for your wife in church this morning when she had a terrific attack of coughing and everyone turned to look at her.” "You needn’t worry about that. She was wearing a new spring hat.” • o * Likes Hers Straight. —"Ho you care for dancing, Peggy?’’ "No.” "Why not?” "It’s merely hugging set to music." "Well, what is there about it that you don’t like?" "The music." • • « Dad Might Shoo Him. —First Classman: Well, dearest, what did your father say when he found that I wanted to marry you? She: At first he demurred because he didn’t want to lose me, but I explained that he could have me, and that he would have you to boot. First Classman: That sounds all right, except for the "to boot" part. • • • Knowledge. —The prosecuting counsel had encountered a rather difficult witness. At length, exasperated by the man’s evasive answers, he asked him if he was acquainted with any of the jury. "Yes, sir,” replied the witness, '‘more than half of them." "Are you willing to swear that you know' more than half of them?" demanded the man of law. The other thought quickly- "If it comes to that," he replied, "I am willing to swear that I know more than all of 'em put together.”

Domestic Yes-Man. —"The man wri gives in when he knows he is right is weak,” says a novelist. Or. of course, married! • • * Diplomacy.— " Hid you make the debating team?" "X-n-no. They s-s-sald I w-w-wasn’t t-t-tall enough.’’ 9 9 9 Why Wives Stay Put. —"My Wife s-j s if I don’t chuck golf, she'll leave me "I say—hard luck!’* “Ye-es. I’ll miss her." 9 9 9 Tame Volcano. —The lie: "What is this thing called Love?’’ The She: "The tenth word in a telegram.” No Perjurer. —" You seem to have plenty of intelligence for a man in your position," sneered a barriste:, cross-examining a witness. "II I wasn’t on oath I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness. • • • Getting Hie Hide. —Squire Perkin- " Nell, after I die, I wish you wdulo marry beacon Brown." Nell: "Why so, Hiram?" Squire: "Well, the deacon trimmed me on a horse trade once." 9 9* New Kimberley. —Yvonne: ’Whatever induced Hora to take up golf so suddenly?" Yvette: “Oh. she read a newspaper urticle about somebody finding a diamond in the rough." Not Eve.—Old gentleman <to old woman selling apples): "No. no, my good woman. Very nice, but you mustn’t tempt me.” Old Woman: "’Oo’s a-temptin' yer? H’yer think this is the bloomin’ Garden of Eden ?” • • • Needs More Elbow Room. —Speaking of the good old days, do you remember the old-fashioned girl who usee to make ash receivers out of cigar bands? Well, she now lias a daughter who makes one out of the parlour rug.

He’s Got Her Dated. —GolT Widow: "You think so much of your old goif game that you don’t even remember when we were married.” Bug: "Of course I do, my dear; it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.” Why Worry? —Constable: "Let me see your driving licence.” Girt: "Well, as a matter of fact, officer, I don’t happen to have it on me, but if it will save you any bother I can assure you it’s very much like any other jolly old driving licence." • • • Lacks the Repose of Vers de Vera.— Mrs. Hoskinson: "I have found out one thing about that Mrs. Newcome. Whoever she is, she has certainly never moved in good society." Mr. Hoskinson: "How do you know that?” "She shakes hands as if she meant it.” • • • Almost an Angel. —Tie: Ho you smoke? She: No, I don’t smoke. "Ho you drink?” "No, I don’t drink.” "Ho you neck?” "No. I don’t neck.” "Well, what do you do?” "I tell lies.” • • • The Tactful One. —Judge: Have you anything to say? Hefendant: No, your Honour. Those beautiful women on the jury, however —I mean the wonderful, youthful, graceful Lawyer: I object, your Honour. Hefendant: They are beautif u. women, and I Judge: It’s no use—we may as well dismiss the case right now. Not So Bright. —There had been a motor wreck. One of the driver® climbed out in a fit of temper and strode up to a man standing on the sidewalk, thinking him to be the other driver. "Say, where is your tail light?" ha roared. The innocent bystander looked up at him. "Wot do you think I am—a. bloomin’ lightning bug?"