A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1028, 19 July 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

No Deposit. —St. Peter:. And here is your golden harp. Newly Arrived American: How much ie the first payment? Fated Already. —Onlooker: I shall be mighty surprised if that referee doesn't get into hot water after the match. Country Fellow: Then you’ll be surprised. 'E's goin’ in the 'orse trough. see Disarmament Note. —Elderly Lady (meeting sailor on country road in 1940): “Sir, do you know my son Jack in the navy?” Sailor: “Which ship is he serving in ?” Lady: “What! Bo there two?’* c * / t Too Low Down. —Mother: “You had better stay in the yard, Willie. The pilots might take you away in their airplanes.” Willie: “Oh, there’s no danger, mamma, they never get so low down as that.”

Acrobatic. —Sergeant (drilling awkward squad): Company! Attention, company, lift up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you! One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake This brought his xiight-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together. The officer, seeing this, exclaimed: “And who is that fellow over there holding up both legs?”

One Consolation. —Customer: What’s this? I had only a leg of chicken, and you’ve charged me for the whole bird! Waiter: Yes, sir. I’m sorry, but that’s the custom of this restaurant. Customer: Well, thank goodness I didn’t order a beefsteak.

The First Essential. —Agent (to newly rich client, engaging talent for her “at home”) What about Madame D’Oprano? Client: Is she good? Good? Why, she’s a great virtuosa. Never mind about her character. Can she sing? « * *

H<: Understanding. —The pedestrian had suffered serious leg injuries in a motor accident, and he had brought a claim against the motorist to the court. “How much are you claiming?” asked the judge. The pedestrian consulted his legal adviser. “One thousand pounds,” he answered, after a while.

The motorist sprang up and protested at once.

“One thousand pounds!” he cried angrily. “But I’m no millionaire.” “And I’m no centipede,” retorted the claimant.

Duckv— The sportsman was returning from a day on the marshes. As he entered the village he was met by a villager. “Morning, Charles,” he greeted. “’Morning, sir!” said the man. “Been out shooting, eh?” “Yes,” replied the sportsman, a little breathlessly'. “And what have you killed, sir?” asked Charles. "Just a few ducks,” the sportsman explained, opening his bag. Charles looked at tl.a catch. “Were they wild?” he asked. <r Well,” said the sportsman, as he recollected the expedition. “they weren’t exactly wild—but the farmers were.”

First Qualification. Lieutenant: When is a man entitled to be buried with military honours? Recruit: When he is dead, sir. We’ve Read It. —Poet (tenderly): your eyes inspired me to write this poem. Adored: Then I must see an oculi.--T at once. • • • The Honest Crib. —Professor (taking up examination paper): Why quotation marks on this paper? Student: Courtesy to the man on m: right. Professor.

Well Meant —“ Miss Wilson, do let me help you to more pudding.” "Well, thanks,” said the young woman, “I will take some more, but only a mouthful, please.”

“Emma.” said the to the parlourmaid, ‘*fill Miss Wilson* plate.”

Breach of Copyright. —“ Why have you come to prison.” “Competition brought me here.’’ “Competition ?” "Yes. I made the same sort of bank notes as the Government.”

The Argument.—“ Boy. you’ve been in this class for nearly a year and don’t yet know a thousandth part of what I know.”

“Well, sir, you’ve been thirty years in the same class.”

The Climax. —The Bore i relating one of his experiences abroad) : Out there of course, every man carries a shooter. I was out alone one night, and came face to face with a tiger. Up came my shooter, and what do you think. Listener: I know; you'd forgotten your peas.

The Sham Fight. —Captain Smiff: “Sergeant Bjones, don’t you know you are exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy over there SOO yards away? Sergeant Bjones: “Yes. sir, but I am standing behind an imaginary rock 20 feet high.”

Tha Counsel. —“ Did you give your account to the defendant?” asked a lawyer of a client. *T did,” was the reply “And what did he say?” “He told me to go to the devil.” “And what did you do then?” “Why. I came to you.”

Monosyllabic. —Motorist: I thought you said that if I were polite to the magistrate he would let me off. Friend: Well, didn’t he? Motorist: No. When the old chap sat down I said, "Good morning, your Worship, how are you today?” Friend: And what did he say? Motorist: Fine.

The Fowl. —The visiting team came from a coalmining district, and they were brawny fellows. The home team was not equal to their opponents’ rough tactics, and were faring badly. Time after time little incidents were passed over by the referee that were not strictly in accordance with book of rules. At last one of the home supporters could stand it no longer. “I say, ref.,” he bawled, “do you only know a foul when it wears feathers?”