A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 886, 1 February 1930, Page 23

A Jest or Two

Probably.—'“How is it I didn’t see you at the charity committee yesterday?” "Probably because I took the collection.” * « # Take With a Pinch.—Vicar: Now*, who can tell me why Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt? Bright Scholar: Please, sir, she wasn’t satisfied with her lot. Slow Progress.—Elsie: Why is Clara always so short of money—didn't her father leave her a lot? Madge: Yes. but, you see. she's not to get it till she’s thirty, and she’ll never own up to that. INGENUES 'A S wholesome as a mountain breeze Are simple ingenues. They’ve never learned their A B C’s But know their P’s and Q’s! An Error.—“’Ere, George,” cried a navvy to his mate as they passed a lecture hall where an address on “The Era of Cleanliness” was announced. “Let’s go in and hear what the bloke's got to say. I always thought it was an error myself.” * # * Letting Them Know.—.v notice board outside a. church announced Sunday’s sermon: "Do you know what Hell is?” Underneath was printed in smaller letters: "Come and hear our new organist.” * * * . A New Idea.—" You say you cannot get along with your husband? People must learn to bear and forbear. Did you ever try heaping coals of fire on his head?” “No; I don’t know that I ever did —but I’ve tried cold water!”

The Contract.—"ls you new son-in-law a good provider?” “He can just about keep my daughter in gloves. I pay for everything else.” “Then he deceived you as to his circumstances.” “No. I remember he merely asked for her hand.” N f ot Encouraging.—She had parked her car in front of a fire hydrant for two hours. A policeman was waiting for her. Policeman: I’ve waited for you for hours—-what’s your name? She: It wouldn’t do you any good if I told you. You look a nice boy—but my husband is about twice your size and very jealous. * * * Progressing.—A beginner at golf, when asked how he came out on the first day on the links, replied that he made it in eighty. “Eighty,” ejaculated his friend; “that’s really remarkable. Most oldtimers would envy you with that score. You’ll surely be an enthusiast from now on.” “Yes,” said the novice, condescendingly. “I’m going back tomorrow to try the second hole.” Two Song-writers Meet.—" Hello, old pal who stole my gal and left me broken-hearted. Sne went away that day in May and then my sorrow started. But I’ll forgive and on I’ll live in sadness and in sorrow, as with a sigh and tear-dimmed eye I face each sad tomorrow.” “I love her, Joe—more than you know—and hope that you won’t blame her. For love appeared and Cupid cheered the day I came to claim her.” “I thought my wife she’d be for life. You robbed me of my gladness. The whippoorwill for me don’t trill and everything is sadness. You did me dirt, and boy it hurt, you robbed me of my honey!” “She’s happy, boy. She’s filled with joy. By forest glades she’s tripping, there by the spring where thrushes sing and waterfalls are dripping. She’s squared her sin and you should grin, though once it seemed distressing . . “Farewell, then, friend. To her I send my broken-hearted blessing.” “Old pal, you’re square, so put ’er there—once more the sun is shining. Good-bye, good luck —don’t ’ose your pluck—look for the Silver Lining!”—; "Judge” (New York).

1 ] Quite Simple.—"ls your husband hard to please in the matter of cook"Xo. indeed! Just anything that 1 ; don’t happen to have suits him pti - . j fectly!” Enough tor Two.—Mistress (»o » 1 maid): If such a thing as this occurs again, Louisa, I shall have to get | another maid. , Louisa: I wish you would, ma’an L There is quite enough work for two maids in this house, t * * * i Value Received.— It's been a long and tiring journey,” said an English - man to a Scotsman, as the Londop- , Aberdeen express neared its destina- " tion. “Aye.” agreed the Scotsman, "an sae it ought to be for the money.” » « • The Old “School.”—A porpoise left 1 his friends and relatives and went to ( reside in a different part of the ocean. One day his wife observed him bow | to an elderly stranger, and asked: “Who j was that, dear ?” : ; “A fine fellow,” replied the porpoise i "One of the old school.” -|- - * 1 Not. Mr. Everest. —Mrs. Newwealth ' : objected to vulgar and common words, • ! so when her friend asked her how she 5 had enjoyed her holiday in Scotland. 5 [ she said: i "It was simply lovely. And one day i we had a splendid view of the surj rounding country from the summit of 1 ; —er —Benjamin Xevis." L | e ■* How He Did It.—Old gentleman (to a very rich old lady at a party):: Who i« that handsome young man standing over there ? t Old Lady: That’s my son-in-law. 3 He's a very brilliant young man— I made a large fortune by the law. i Old Gentleman: Really! How ’* that? i Old Lady: The law made him my i daughter’s husband.

No Choice.—Kelly and Cohen we** having dinner together. Cohen helped himself to the larger fish and Kelly said:— “Fine manners you have, Cohen. If I had reached out first Td have taken the smaller fish.” “Veil,” Cohen replied, “you got it, didn’t you?” * * * Provocation.—An old lady who took a great interest in muncipa! matters was walking over a golf course and noticed the bunkers here and there. She wrote to the town council asking why they didi.’t engage a number of the unemployed to fill in the many holes on the course, which caused the players so much annoyance and induced so much bad language. « « o Thoroughness.—A story was told at the time of the general strike of a volunteer workman whose enthusiasm was greater than his experience. and for whom the authorities at King’s Cross station, London, where he was temporarily placed, found it difficult to provide suitable employment. At last he was given an oil-can and scraper, and told to walk down the line cleaning and oiling the points. Nothing more was heard of him until about four days later, when the following telegram was received: “Haye reached York. Please send more oil.” * * <> Bigger and Better.—A tourist was enjoying the beauties of California as pointed out by a native. Said the tourist, upon passing through a large grove of trees bearing citrus fruit: “What beautiful-looking grapefruit!” “Oh,” said the Califcrnian, lighting another cigarette, “those lemons are a little small, owing to a comparatively bad season.” There was silence for a time. “What magnificent homes!” exclaimed the tourist, as they sped through Los Angeles. “Mere huts.” said the native indif ferently. “You should see some of the real buildings.” The tourist was again absorbed in unspoken thoughts. “And what are those enormous blossoms?” he asked, gazing across extensive fields of gorgeous yellow flowers. “Just a patch of dandelions,” explained the Californian modestly. “I must show you some real flowers.” Then they reached the Sacramento River. "Ah,” said the tourist, hav - j ing grasped the idea, “someone's j radiator is leaking!”