A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 828, 23 November 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

The Limit. Motorist Is there any Natiw: “No. y uU tellers cant gc: , through here any too last tor us. Solved At Last.—The only possible reason whv they call them weather men" must be because ihe> never . Ignorance.— 'What >re the three most used 1 school?” asked the father of his son. 1 don’t know." was the reply. "That’s first time.” No Encouragement. - .Man in >ro\va: Auy-'ow. I’m glad i didn't back the orse you was grit-in* yesterday—e come in last. Tipster: ’Ere. re, be reasonable why should the Vrse tr> to win if you don’t back ’im?” Easy.—"My Dear.” e» . husband when he arrived home kite and found his wife waiting: for him. "You’d never guess where I’ve been tonight.” "Oil. yes. I can.” replied his wife, "but go on with your story, anyway.’ Origin of an Invention. back from the circus much excited. "Oh. mama,” he exclaimed. "Katie spilled , some peanuts on the ground, and what do you think happened ? The elephant . picked them up with his vacuum Damaged Deacons.— How the pastor; talked to the highwaymen who sought ; the cash that he did not have: “Ah. gentlemen, I might, indeed, have some- , thing to give you if only I had such energetic fellows as you to pass the plate now and then.” Hee-Haw! —In the Country: “LandLord, you said there were donkeys for ‘ all strangers who wished to ascend the I mountain, and I can only see two.” "Wait a moment, sir. When more | tourists come, there will be more don- j keys.”

Both At Once. —An old farmer was . picked up on the highway and given a ■ lift by a reckless driver. As he got ; out ho said: “Thank you very much , for both rides.” “What do you mean—both rides?” j asked the benefactor. “You have given me my first and my j last,” was the answer. * * * Epidemic. —Doctor: “Well, my friend. • what seems to be your trouble?” Patient (nervously): "I believe I have caught insomnia, doctor. I can- • not sleep a wink until around 3 o’clock I in the morning.” Doctor: “Nonsense. Insomnia is not J ; contagious!” Patient: “It is in my case, doctor. j The baby next door has it!” Method In It. —Elderly Clerk: “I don’t j like this new fashion of the young men going without hats.” Friend: "Why not?” Clerk: “In the days of long ago, when the chief wanted somebody who was I not in tlie office, one could say-, ‘He j must be about —there is his hat,* but i now there is nothing to show.’* • * * With Care. —“ Here!” screamed the station master, “What’s the idea of throwing those trunks about like that?” The porter gasped, the passengers were numb with amazement. Then he continued: “That’s no way to act. Look what you’ve done to the platform!” * * * Knows His Chuck. —A lady was entertaining the small son of her married friend. “Are you quite sure you can cut your meat, Willy?” she said after watching him a moment. “Oh, yessum," he replied without locking up. “We often ha\*e it as tough as this at home.” * * * Doubtful. —“l don’t know whether to i use this testimonial or not,” mused the : boss. “What’s the matter with it?” demanded the advertising manager. “Well,” explained the boss, “the man writes: ‘I used to have three bald spots on the top of my head, but since using a bottle of your hairrestorer I have only one.” . Big Boss. —A coloured gentleman who appeared in court as a witness was asked: “AVhat is your name?” “Calhoun Jefferson, sah/ “Can you sign your name?” “Sah?” Is “I ask if you can write your name.” 1 ; “Well, no. sah. Ah nebber writes ! my name, Ah dictates it, suh.”

Knowledge.— Passer-by: <low do . Tii ks»? Mine can’t do a thing." &>mall Hoy: I don’t nee it I ** much • ' . . In a Bad Way.—Beggar Otanding 'ho corner? "Could v.m give a poo ■rlpplo enough for .» tin of coffee <»©od Old Lady * Why. my poor innn how are you crippled " Beggar Financially, lad'

Ker- Plunk! i Iftdd) said MI I daughter, as they watch cJ an airplane ! ‘‘Do you think they will ever gel m j heaven flying up like that? ’ "Not by going away up. my dear tw his reply : • to do it by coming down.*’ When We’re Careless. —The posio- ; wa.** examining on© of the young**I classes, and asked the Question. ‘Wha i are the sins of omission ?" After a little ; silence one young lady offered J "Please, sir. they’re sins we ought i * have committed and haven't ’* • * • Preferable.—Mrs. Withers hac bee j to the talking pictures for the firs- • time. ! ‘"Ow did yer lit*© it Nell?** asked : her friend. I "All right enough, bur to tell >e the truth. I’d rather *ave been to one of the old unspeakable ones

Squelched Simpleton.—There is story, of a visit John Barrymore paid !<■> a haberdasher in Hollywood. After ordering this and that, he turned to leave. “And your name?” the clerk asked. Innocently. “Barrymore.” was the chill reply. “Which Barrymore, please?’* John surveyed him cold!*-. “Ethel.” Pacifist Household.—Little Louise was lost on the street and was brought into the police station. The officers tried in every way to learn her name. Finally one of the officers said: “What names does your mother oa.l your father ?” “Why,” said Louise, very innocently, “she don’t call him anv name; «he likes him.” Out of the Question. —The orchestra was practising the com poser’e long and very tedious piece when he auddenly arrived. “What’s this?” he demanded, angrily. “I can hear only the violins. What on earth are the wind instruments doing?” “Well, you see,” replied the leader of the orchestra, "it’s too difficult for the wind instruments. They can’t blow and yawn at the same time!” * * • What He Had Done.—One* of our younger novelists is engaged as a master in English at a school in an industrial area. Recently, a correspondent informs the London “Morning Post,” an employer was interviewing a boy who had just left school. “Let me 6ee,” said he, “Mr. X , the writer, is a master at your old school, is he not?” “Yessir,” came the ready response, “that’s him what learned me English ” This story is told by the novelist himself. Expert Handling.—The night was dark and the hour late as a solitarywayfarer passed along the deserted street. Was it deserted, though? No! three slinking figures emerged fronr. the shadows, marked their prey, and then attacked him. Three to one is powerful odds, but the wayfarer held his own. One by one his assailants landed with a thud on the ground, battered and bruised, their clothing torn. A policeman hurried up and surveyed the wreckage. "Fine work!’* he said, addressing the hero, who was calmly lighting a cigarette. “Ju-jitsu?’ “No.” answered the other. "Railway porter.”