A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 714, 13 July 1929, Page 3

A Jest or Two

All Explained. — ‘Don’t you think the water is awfully hard here. **Yes, but it rains harder here.'' S.O.S. —Customer (to s —-I have lost my wife in this shop, so let me talk to you. She is sure to turn up if I am talking to a pretty girl. Try the Dead-Letter Office.— Coloured Employee to Express Agent. ‘Boss, what we-all go’n do ‘bout dat goat? lie done et up where he s gwine to.” Bargain Day.—Couple— "Five dollar - for a marriage? We haven't that much, Judge." Justice —"Well, I can give you a tiia.l marriage for two dollars." Obsolete Implement. —Complaint is made that some crossword puzzles are too difficult. What girl, for instance, could be expected to guess that "worn on the linger” may mean a thimble . Inspection Invited. —Cousin Sophy ‘‘Marriage is a lottery! ” Cousin Reggy—"Oh, I don’t know. A man ought to have a fair idea what lie's getting these days.”

Mama’s Revenge. —“l heard that Ella had eloped with Mr. Brown. Has her mother forgiven them?” “I don’t think so—she has gone to live with them.” Encouragement for All. —A famous sword swallower is appearing at a continental circus. We understand that he started in quite a modest way with green peas and a knife. Need a Vacuum - Sweeper.—Farmer—“l never see such a season. My corn isn’t an inch high!” Neighbour.—‘‘An inch? Why the sparrows have to kneel down to eat mine.”

The Young Dentist.— -“I told you to comb your hair, Betty!” “Yes, mummie, but I can’t: Bobbie s been playing at dentists, and there’s not a comb with a tooth left in.” Ancient Retainer. —Lady (making her will, to lawer): “And I wish to leave the sum of twenty pounds to my old and valued parlor-maid, Eliza Jenkins, who has served me well and faithfully for over six months.” * * * Candour. —“Honestly now, you would never have thought this car of mine was one X had bought second-hand, would you?” “Never in the -world. I thought you had made it yourself.” * * * The First Talking Machine. —Willie: Did Mr. Edison make the first talkingmachine, pa? Pa: No, my son. The first talkingmachine was made for Adam, but Edison made the first one that could be shut off. Double Jeopardy. —A correspondent assures us that the following notice has been posted around about an electric station in Donegal: “Beware — To touch these wires is instant death. Any one found doing so will be prosecuted.” * * * Mighty Poor Chance. —Little*Milton came home from Sunday-school with a mite box. “Why do they call it a mite box, mother?” Milton. “Because,” chirped in his brother, “you might put something in it and you might not.”

Desperate Remedy. —" What have you there?” "Some insect powder.” "Good heavens! You aren’t going to commit suicide?” Let ’em Writhe. —An Indian snakecharmer now plays to his pets on the bagpipes instead of the usual re«*d pipes. We don’t care: wo never did like snakes. Narrow Escape. Fond parent (finishing story): And so they lived happily ever alter.” Angel child: "dec. Pop. lucky they didn't get married.” Not Up to H s Job. —Laura: ‘ Why do Eileen’s people object to her future husband?” Vera: ‘ Well, there are seven in the family and he’s only got a two-seater.” March of Culture.- -First l-ady— “Y«.:i rotund, decangular. eolithie. ferric inous, neuropathic, cassowary, you!” Second lady—“ Would you listen t<> the languidge of er since she’s been doin’ crossword puzzles?’ Took the Words Out of His Mouth —“Did you toll her when you proposed that you weren’t worthy of her? That always makes a good impression.” "Well. 1 was going to. But she told me so first." Horrors of the Next War. —A daily paper states that a new musical instrument combining a saxophone and bagpipes has been invented. That’s not a musical instrument —it’s u. weapon. # Just Once Would Do. —An airplane built for an American millionaire contains a bathroom. An excellent shower may be obtained by the occupant of the bath who clings tightly to the rim and then signals to the pilot to loop the loop a few times. No Go-Between. —“Won’t you give a shilling to the Lord?” said a Salvation Army girl to an old Aberdonian. “How auld aro ye. lassie?” he inquired. “Nineteen, sir.” “Ah, weel. I’m past seventy -ft v ft. I'll be seing Him afore you, so I’ll hand it to Him mysel’.”

Still Out. —“ How about the jury’ in that prohibition case?” “They’ve been out six hours and they just sent word to the court to send in some more evidence.” sp * * Not Pat With the Reply. —Mistress: Who was the man who visited you last night? Maid: My brother, ma’am. Mistress: What is his name? Maid: Er —I think it is Harry. Too Many Clothes. —Cyril: What are all those trunks doing over there by the door? Horace Oh, they belong to the chorus girls. Cyril: Let’s go to another show.

Salad For Two. —A newly-married couple stopped for lunch at an hotel where the manager was over-attentive, i For the tenth time he sailed up. • “And what can I do for you now, 1 sir?” _ _ , „ i “Some honeymoon salad, please. “You have me there, sir,” replied ! the manager. “May I ask what it j consists of?” I “Just lettuce alone.” __