... A JEST OR TWO . . .

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 637, 13 April 1929, Page 27

... A JEST OR TWO . . .

Coue Stuff.—“ George, dear, why do you shut your eyes so tight when you kiss me?” “I’m trying to make myself believe you’re Greta Garbo.” Fellow Sufferer.—A landlord wrote to his tenant: “Lear Sir: 1 regret to inform you that my rent is much overdue. Will you please forward me a cheque?” Back came the reply: “Lear Sir: I see no reason why I should pay your rent. I can’t pay my own.” In Lullaby Land. —The following preciously preserved extract from _ a love letter written home to his wife by a soldier on active service will evoke tender memories in thousands of former service men: “Don’t send me no mere nagging letters, Lettie. They don’t do no good. I’m twelve thousand miles away from home, and I want to enjoy this war in peace.” Pass the Glycerin. —Tears were streaming down the movie actress’s face. Reverses had come—she was in a pawnshop. Slowly, silently she drew from her pocket a little package, and laid it down on the counter before the eyes of the hardened pawnbroker. “How much?” she asked, and her eyes with a tiny hand\?rchief. She was pawning her six wedding rings. Ask Anne Rutledge. —Q: What should the lady of the house do if the inaid reparst that the week-end guest has left his shoes outside the bedroom door? A.: See if they will fit her husband. Q : What course should the hostess follow when she discovers a guest is peeved because the peas won’t stay on his knife? A.: Advise him to mix them with mashed potatoes. Q : If conversation lags at the table, what should the hostess do? A-' Ask the guests if any of them had an opeiatioru

Alibis For All. —lt was visiting day at the insane asylum. One of the inmates imagined himself to be an artist, and he was busily engaged in dabbling at an empty canvas with a dry brush. A visitor, wishing to humour him. asked what the picture represented. “That.” said the nut. “is a picture of the Israelites being pursued through the Red Sea.” “Where is the sea?” “Why, that's rolled back to allow the Israelites to pass.” Where are the Israelites?” ' They've just gone by.” “Then where are their pursuers?” “Oil, tfa-ey'll be along in a minute.”

Send It Some Eye-Wash.— A naturalist assures us lions are nearsighted, but we wouldn’t go looking for one if we knew it was stone-blind. Now You See It, Now You Don’t.— “What’t a joint account, Pop?” “It’s an account where one person does the depositing and the other the withdrawing.” Waiting List. —Suburban Neighbour: "Is Air. Jones at home??” Lomestic: “INTo. sir; but I’ll tell him you called. What shall I say you wanted to borrow?”

Hoodooed.-.— He: “Yes, I’ve been married seven years to-day.” She: “Gosh, you must have broken a mirror.” Case For a Club.—Husband: (testily, after going down badly at bridge): “You might have guessed I had no heart, partner.” Wife (sweetly): “Quite, but I thought you had a brain, darling.” EQUAL RIGHTS I went home late, removed my shoes, And played a sneaking game Up the front stairs. But lo! Ahead, My wife was doing the same! Betty’s Good Taste. —When Betty came in from the children’s party she had attended her mother said, “‘Well, daughter, did you have a nice time?” “Oh, yes,” said Betty enthusiastically, “it was the best party I ever tasted.” Super-Chivalry. —A gentleman who had been attending a regimental dinner was unable to find a taxi, so he boarded a bus. When a lady entered he immediately rose and gave her his seat. He explained his act, at some length to the conductor. “Noblesshe oblegge.” he said in a whisper, “once a genieman always a gen’leman. The age of chivalry is not yet o’er, eh, what?” "Quite so, sir.” said the conductor. “but surely that’s a bit unnecessary when you and the lady are the only two in the bus/i „

Pass the Hammer. —Roger: “Mummy, I have such a surprise for you!” Mummy: “What is it, darling?” Roger: “I’ve swallowed a nail!”

The Born Salesman. —Enterprising Vendor: “I say, mum, ’ave you got such a thing as a match you could give me?” Kind Lady: “I haven’t one in the place.” “Well, will you buy a few boxes? I sells ’em, mum!”

SALE OF A MASTERPIECE It’s written in boyish fashion, A simple and childish scroll; I wrote it when wild with passion And in it I wrote my soul. I gave not a thought to diction, I gave not a thought to gold, Nor if it were truth or fiction, And now it’s about to be sold. For Commerce is e’er the destroyer Of Art—and my fate I can see, For she took it ’round to her lawyer— And the guy who will buy it is ME. —Life.

Beauty Treatment. Man—“"Well, Bobby, how do you like your little brother?” Bobby—“lt isn’t a boy, it’s a girl.” Man—“ Your father told me this morning it was a boy, and I guess he knows.” Bobby—“l know it’s a girl because I saw them putting powder on it this morning.” ~

Waiting List.—He: Darling - , will you marry me? She: Not yet, old thing: I’m booked solid for three years. * * * In Wonderland.—“ Will you please drive off the track?” asked the motorman. The truck driver promptly pulled to one side. “Thank you, ever so much,” added the motorman, with a smile. “You’re very welcome,” responded the truck driver, “but you must pardon my seeming carelessness, I had no idea your train was so near.”

——~— Raising the Limit.—“l’se for a fiveday week. How ’bout you, Sam?” “Man! I’se for a five-day week-end.” * * *. Familiar Mileage.—Friend (to motorist) : What! Three thousand miles in her this summer? Some tour! Motorist: No tour at all. Just back and forth to the grocer’s for things my wife forgot. Corking.—A fellow was sitting in the club with a look of unrelieved gloom on his face. After a time, a friend approached him. saying. “You look frightfully fed up. Bill. Why not drown your sorrows?” “It’s a good idea,” said Bill iin a desolate voice, "but she’s one of I the kind who would float.”